04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

04/08/2017

So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why?
Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?
Cool.

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over

04/01/2017

First off, I would just like to say that this is not about April Fools.
I don’t get those sorts of holidays now that I am an adult. In fact, I was never someone who was interested in pranking.
But I also don’t get pinching on St. Patrick’s Day. Someone brought up that I was not wearing green and I was going to get pinched. I told them that adults don’t normally pinch other adults.
That would be weird.
A few days later the same person asked me if I got pinched on St. Patrick’s…nope.

Maybe I am just weird, but the idea of pranking or pinching someone else in the name of a holiday seems a bit immature to me.
Pranking has never been something I was super into, I can do teasing, but pranking always seemed a bit more malicious than fun to me.
Also, the whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you thing” sticks in my head and I wouldn’t find it funny if someone pranked me in the way that is popular these days.

Am I just a stick in the mud who doesn’t understand holidays?
I wouldn’t say so. I still think Halloween and Christmas are great, but I have to admit the other holidays don’t really have much appeal to me at this point.
I am a single person who doesn’t live near any family but my sister and brother-in-law. None of us really have a ton of adult friends or go to any parties.
So, as you can imagine, holidays that are most just to get together with friends don’t really have a ton of appeal either.

Two years ago, two sisters that went to my ward put up an April Fools joke that they got their noses pierced.
They ended up getting in trouble with their mother. They were both adults though.
I guess I just wrote this post to complain about April Fools, because I don’t get it.
I never have and I probably never will.

03/04/2017

Tonight I am sitting here reading some of the textbook for my psychology class and the book is talking about how you can properly calculate happiness when doing a study on it.
They gave a couple of different options, but one study done by The Gallup Polling Organization (look at me giving credit even though this isn’t an essay) just did their study by asking the following question:

Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally stand at this time?

I am curious as to what people’s answer would be.
My first thought was “Maybe I haven’t even reached the ladder yet.”
I think this is an easy answer for me to give, because it’s a cop-out for me to not having to sit and think about where I sit in my life right now.
I think it’s easier, since I don’t know how well I am doing and I feel like I am just trying my best, to think that maybe I haven’t begun to climb the ladder. Maybe I am just gearing up for my big climb at this point.

Obviously I am that polling company’s worst nightmare. Can’t even answer a simple question. Deflection.

03/09/2017

So, I know that I haven’t written on my blog in a while, but the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t had much to say.
I have still had conversations with people, but it is again similar to calling your parents and the first thing they ask is what is new?
There is no news.
But this is something I have thought about this weekend and again today. I know it’s something that I have written about on here before, but I have had my blog for 6 years now, so that is bound to happen.

The thought that I have been having mostly revolves around the idea of how people perceive me in that first 7 seconds that they see me.
I had a boss once when I was 16 years old who told me that people make their first impression judgement in the first 7 seconds that they meet you.
I have never taken the time to look up studies to confirm this, but this idea has stuck with me since that boss told me about it.
If I only have 7 seconds in the beginning to make that first impression, which many people say is hard to later get over, what do people in those first few seconds.

These are the two specific questions that come to mind when I think about that perception:

  • Do I look like an adult or a child?
  • Do I look like a girl?

Now, in today’s day and age, or maybe just in the popular media and Tumblr’s world, people supposedly aren’t meant to decide if you are a female or not when they first meet you?
I can’t speak for that, but I can speak for the fact that I want them to clearly see that I am a female.
Why do I sit and wonder about this?
Well, I mostly wear the same things everyday. There have been times, like at the beginning of the year, that I have thought that I should dress cuter or more feminine, but I always end up dressing the same and wanting to wear the same clothes.
I have found that when I do wear different clothes, I am always waiting for when I can change back into the basics that I wear:

  • High Waist Skinny Jeans
  • Plain T-shirt (Usually a mens, sometimes a V-neck)
  • Toms or slip ons (sometimes Tennis shoes)
  • Hoodie (if it’s cold)

That’s all I ever want to wear. I dress up every Sunday or when I am asked to, but that is it for style. And again, when I try to change what I wear, I just think about how much I wish I was wearing the basics again.

Anyways, a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs of my new job and at the top of the stairs was this man dressed in a suit.
And he looked good. He wasn’t particularly attractive, in case that is what you meant, but he looked snappy.
This is what I was wearing:

 

And when I walked past this man and we said Good Morning, I wondered if he thought I looked like a child.
Did he? We don’t know.

But this is a reoccurring thought of whether I look like an adult female or now.

That’s it.

My heart hurts.

So, this morning I was in the process of writing a different blog post when I had an interesting and actually very disheartening conversation.

This morning I reached out via Facebook to an acquaintance of mine who is going through a divorce, which is something we have talked about before, just to see how he was doing.
I just wanted to reach out and lend support to let him know that I was thinking of him and people are there for him.
He started to tell me how things were difficult because some of his friends had sided with her and then he noticed that some of her friends had sided with him.
He said he was not sure who to trust at this point.

I think those are all fair thoughts.
But then he told me the reason his friends sided with her was she was white and he was African-American.
This is where things got…sad for me.
I simply said (Quote):

“I don’t know if it’s about race…people unfortunately feel they have to take sides in a divorce. Either way, I’m very sorry.”

He then went on to tell me that I couldn’t understand because I was white and it wasn’t anything personal against me, but I just wouldn’t understand.

…This was a huge blow.
My heart just dropped in my chest when I read it.

This has stuck in my head all day and I was worried writing about it on here, because no matter what I say, by society’s standards I am in the wrong and have no right to be sad about what happened at all.
But I am.

See after he said that to me, I just simply told him he had made me uncomfortable and it sounded like I wasn’t the right person to talk to.
He told me I couldn’t understand what he was going through.

What made me so sad about this situation was that it didn’t have to be about race.
Perspective is everything and I understand that.
However, that conversation we were having wasn’t about that and now instead of me being a friend to him and able to talk to him, I feel alienated and sad about the state of affairs between us.

I hear about this divide every single day and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Especially having someone directly throw it at me in a situation that does not seem related.
I don’t see him as just a African-American, just as I would hope he wouldn’t see me as just White.
But everyone is so concerned about a divide being created between people due to unimportant differences that people are creating that divide.
At least in this instance and many that I see.

I am not saying that racism isn’t real or that these things don’t exist.
What I am saying is that it doesn’t have to be everywhere. It doesn’t have to be here.
This man and I could have been friends. I never thought about him as just a, in his words, “person of color”. Nor did I ever think that had anything to do with his current struggles.
But now I do feel he only sees me as a white person, which hurts because stereotypes hurt.

My sister has a friend at work who brings it up frequently that he is an African-American and she is not.
I know how often he brings it up, because she texts me when it happens feeling the same sadness I felt in my conversation.

I saw this video awhile back (it’s obviously old):

“How are we going to get rid of racism?”
“Stop talking about it! I’m going to stop calling you a ‘white man’ and I’m gonna ask you to stop calling me a ‘black man'”

This is truly how I feel.
I also wholeheartedly agree with another quote from Morgan Freeman about racism:

“If you talk about it, it exists.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s stop talking about it in these instances. Let’s stop bringing it up in unrelated personal conversations. Or in our workspace just because someone is of a different race than us.

If you have followed my blog, you know I am very devote religious. (LDS to be specific)
And when someone goes to a LDS temple it is required that we all wear white and very similar outfits.
It’s done this way to signify that “God is not a respecter of persons”.
Wealth, race, career…none of this matters to God. We are all on the same level.
He sees us all the same and as his children and we don’t have to talk about those things that can divide us (if we let them) there, because we are all the same.
That is how I try to see people and how I feel.
I’m absolutely, 100% no better than anyone else and when a situation gets brought up where someone feels that I think I am for whatever reason, it hurts.

This is a controversial post and I get that.
I really went back and forth on whether to write it, but then my friend told me that I should because blogging/journal-ling is a “good way to keep a record”.
That is why I wrote this post, because I would want my children to know how I felt about this.
That I never saw anyone differently and when I hear of those filters being placed in any instance, it hurts me.
But I also want anyone who reads this to know that I did not write this lightly.
In fact, I already know I will have to disable the comments and walk away from computers for a minute after pressing “Post” because I am nervous.
But nervousness should never be a reason to stop yourself from speaking what you feel and believe.

So, here we go.

10/03/2016

So, over the last year and a half or so my goal has been to get out of debt.
I have also been wanting to be better financially, so I worked on different savings/investment account and even started balancing my checkbook as well as doing a budget.

Now, there is occasionally when I am doing all of this, it seems like I am really on top of things.
Like that huge mountain of debt (not that huge, but still more than I could pay off in a year) is going to actually be attacked.
But then there are days like today when I am making my budget for my 5th paycheck and I realize that making a budget just shows me exactly why I am broke.
It isn’t really helping me to be smarter with my money, it’s really just showing me exactly why I am broke.

For example, random unexpected charges.
Like my gym’s annual fee which is 2x my monthly fee, meaning I am going to be paying my gym payment 3 times this month.
Or Amazon randomly charging me for something that I did not buy, thus over drafting my account.
They did issue a refund, but now I have a nice $35 fee slapped onto me.

I don’t really spend a lot on excess. I really try to be frugal, especially now that I see where all of my money goes.
But in a lot of ways I wish I didn’t know.
Like I wish I could just throw up my hands like “I don’t know where all my money goes!”
Instead I know exactly where it goes and that there is simply a lack of funds currently in my life.

Budgeting is just one of those things that will get better once you do it more and as I slowly pay off my debts, there will be more money.
However, right now I feel like every few weeks I should just create a budget and write “YOU’RE POOR” across it and call it good.
Except once you get in a habit, you cannot stop.

Anyways…

mo-money-mo-problems

05/30/2016

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he came back at me asking:

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he responded with:

“What, why? I thought you came to Utah to be amazing!”

 Ehhhh.

Obviously, since it’s me, I have thought about this a bit before I responded.

I didn’t come to Utah to be amazing. In fact, I didn’t really move anywhere to be amazing. I feel like with each move all I was expecting for things to be different than they were before. 

So, I just showed up one day in all these places and, because of my personality, when I just show up somewhere I act like I’ve always been there. Then I memorize people’s names and act like everyone is my good friend.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t remember ever going to a place or situation expecting to be amazing.    

 Recently a couple of people have asked me to describe myself or, even more challenging, to tell them what makes me different from other people. I was asked also to tell someone one thing they needed to know to understand me.

In almost everyone of these cases my answer was “Nothing.”

Now, don’t mistake anything I’m talking about here as low self esteem or a lack of self confidence. I actually enjoy myself quite a bit. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and I wouldn’t have been as successful in some areas or met a lot of the people I have without my high self assurance.

What I am talking about is not feeling any different than anyone else and not feeling like I am just amazing. 

I am very fun, I am friendly sometimes, sassy sometimes. I am easy to be around. I can be quick, but I don’t think any of those adjectives lead up to amazing. It’s not like a math question where fun+sassy-clumsy=amazing.

I am a little eccentric, but at this point I feel like that is perspective based and once you realize that, who isn’t eccentric? And eccentric isn’t different.

At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing that makes me different from anyone else that I see is my experiences and the choices that I make, which all leads back to my perspective on life. That is the only thing that can truly distinguish me from another person, because no one else has exactly gone through the experiences that I have, which is what then shapes my decisions and my perspective.

All I’m saying is that when I look around, I don’t feel any different than anyone else besides those three factors. And though I really enjoy myself, I do not feel “amazing”. 

But all of this is not something that I can explain to someone who simply asks me what makes me different. Discovering that takes effort and time and I feel like someone wanting to simply ask that is expecting a simple answer.

Oh Well. 


(There is a song, you can listen to it here. Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson)

05/19/2016

So, tomorrow marks the second week that I have been here in Utah.
All week I have been feeling like I should post something on my blog, but I really just didn’t have anything to say.
It’s like avoiding the question “What’s new?” that you get from people sometimes.
Nothing. Literally nothing is new.
I have not figured out any new truths. I have not met anyone new or done anything interesting or note worthy.
I have nothing that I could say to respond to that question.

How is that possible when I just moved to a new state?
Well, I did live here before, so it’s not like I am in completely new terrain.
But I just feel like I have re-started my life over so many times that it’s not really unique anymore. The process involved in living in a new place is just tiring now, not really exciting anymore.
(Part of the reason that I have decided to stop with the jumping around.)

What I have been doing since I moved to Utah is mostly apply for jobs, interviewing and when I am not doing that, I discovered a couple of the Walking Dead game apps on my phone that have been occupying my time.
It’s really exciting, but not enough to tell someone when they ask what’s new.
Especially since my virtual apocalypse team isn’t very good. We can’t beat any other teams and I almost feel like I might be better at it in real life, which is far-fetched.
Oh! And I also started running again in the mornings, because there is no excuse for not working out if you aren’t going anywhere for a while.
My endurance is shot though since I sprained my ankle last November.

To sum things up, after two weeks of being in Utah, nothing is new.
I have gone on a lot of interviews, gotten a couple offers that didn’t pan out and can only run 4 miles an hour for 20 minutes.
My sister keeps reminding me that I can’t expect for things to happen immediately for me and I need to be patient.
So, that’s what I plan to do.
Just take things as they come and as for it being a “good move” or a “bad move” I cannot really decide and it does not matter since I won’t be leaving any time soon.

What’s new with you?

03/02/2016

Today I was thinking about something that I come in contact with often who is very intense. They are a very rough and almost difficult person to work with. I honestly think that they hate me in someways, but like me in a lot of other ways.
(I’m a very difficult person to not like. You really have to try.)
To be fully honest, this person intimidates me a lot. They can just be downright scary to me and not necessarily because I feel lower than them, but a lot of it comes from their approach being so different than mine.
Anyways, one thing that I end up thinking about a lot when it comes to dealing with other people is what their lives are like outside of the brief moments I happen to see them.
It helps me to re-frame my interactions with them when the situations get difficult and it also helps me to think of the reasoning behind their actions.

Well, as I thought about this person that I am intimidated by, a question for that person came to my mind:

What makes you cry? What fills your soul with sorrow?

Now, obviously I would never ask this person that question, but it still stuck in my mind and I even started picturing a few people that I have been thinking about lately crying.

I think the question came to my mind, because crying is a very humanizing action. It’s like hunger or fatigue, but more personal.
It is something that everyone, no matter how manly or what they say, have done at least once in their lives. It’s how doctors check to make sure that we are alive when we are first born.
But the more I pondered this thought and applied it to multiple people I have been thinking about, I realized that it was not just crying. I was thinking about these people (and even picturing them like an unseen observer in my head) filled with sorrow.
Not just any sorrow, but the kind that fills your stomach and can almost be felt in every inch of your body.

But there is a little more to this thought that kept creeping back to me. They say you can tell a lot about a person by what makes them happy, but I am almost inclined to believe that you can tell a lot more about a person by what makes them filled with sorrow.
The more I think about it, happiness can be personal, but sorrow is almost always personal.
Anytime a person or moment can bring us to tears or break us down, it is always personal and often times more lasting than happiness.

As I apply these thoughts to more people I come in contact with, I just have this aching desire to know what would bring them to that point.
And not maliciously, like I want them to feel that way, but for understanding.
If I understand what breaks your heart, later I can understand what wears you until eventually I can know what your plight as a human being is.
And that’s all I want, is to know and empathize and be connected.

But I am not even sure what the answer to what causes me sorrow is. I imagine it has something to do with loneliness and rejection, but it’s hard to tell when you are nowhere near feeling it.

It is still something to think about though.
What makes you cry? What causes you sorrow?