03/09/2017

So, I know that I haven’t written on my blog in a while, but the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t had much to say.
I have still had conversations with people, but it is again similar to calling your parents and the first thing they ask is what is new?
There is no news.
But this is something I have thought about this weekend and again today. I know it’s something that I have written about on here before, but I have had my blog for 6 years now, so that is bound to happen.

The thought that I have been having mostly revolves around the idea of how people perceive me in that first 7 seconds that they see me.
I had a boss once when I was 16 years old who told me that people make their first impression judgement in the first 7 seconds that they meet you.
I have never taken the time to look up studies to confirm this, but this idea has stuck with me since that boss told me about it.
If I only have 7 seconds in the beginning to make that first impression, which many people say is hard to later get over, what do people in those first few seconds.

These are the two specific questions that come to mind when I think about that perception:

  • Do I look like an adult or a child?
  • Do I look like a girl?

Now, in today’s day and age, or maybe just in the popular media and Tumblr’s world, people supposedly aren’t meant to decide if you are a female or not when they first meet you?
I can’t speak for that, but I can speak for the fact that I want them to clearly see that I am a female.
Why do I sit and wonder about this?
Well, I mostly wear the same things everyday. There have been times, like at the beginning of the year, that I have thought that I should dress cuter or more feminine, but I always end up dressing the same and wanting to wear the same clothes.
I have found that when I do wear different clothes, I am always waiting for when I can change back into the basics that I wear:

  • High Waist Skinny Jeans
  • Plain T-shirt (Usually a mens, sometimes a V-neck)
  • Toms or slip ons (sometimes Tennis shoes)
  • Hoodie (if it’s cold)

That’s all I ever want to wear. I dress up every Sunday or when I am asked to, but that is it for style. And again, when I try to change what I wear, I just think about how much I wish I was wearing the basics again.

Anyways, a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs of my new job and at the top of the stairs was this man dressed in a suit.
And he looked good. He wasn’t particularly attractive, in case that is what you meant, but he looked snappy.
This is what I was wearing:

 

And when I walked past this man and we said Good Morning, I wondered if he thought I looked like a child.
Did he? We don’t know.

But this is a reoccurring thought of whether I look like an adult female or now.

That’s it.

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The cons to being nice.

So, remember that one time I posted about me going to the Optometrist?
That lady said some crazy things to me and after when I told my sister about what she had said, her response was “Why didn’t you stop her when she was saying this?”
Well, like most passing things that are said to me, I started to think about this a lot.
Why didn’t I stop her when she was saying all these things to me?

There is this co-worker of mine who is rather negative.
There is not one thing in the world that this person does not complain about.
Well, this person has taken a habit of coming to my desk in the morning and telling me all the problems they have with the company.
Venting to me about all the things they do not like and how they should have been promoted and most often how much they do not care about their work anymore.
In fact, anytime I bring up anything to this co-worker, since we are on the same team, their answer to me is “I do not care.”
They proudly tell me how they have given up at their job.
Well, I hate that they confide in me like this. I love my job, I want to do a good job and I dislike anyone who is doing a sub par performance because they feel they were owed something at some point.
I hate when someone consistently tells me the issues with a company, but have given up trying to make it better.
Please, keep your complaints to yourself as I am not the company’s complaint department.

But do I say this to this person?
No, I simply listen and nod when they are talking.
Give them my attention and taken in what they same.
The same thing happens when the lab assistant at the optometrist starts telling me about being abused as a child.
I do not want to hear this, but I just sit there while it happens to me.

WHY CORRIE KARTCHNER?! WHY?!
Well, when they start talking and telling me personal things like this, I always just sit and listen, because what if no one else will listen to them?
What if  that lab assistant was really opening up to me and needing someone to hear what happened to her?
I’m an odd choice, but what if?
I’m just trying to be nice. And I wonder if the cons of trying to be nice and be there for people is to hear things that you don’t really want to be hearing, but you do it anyway?

The more I have thought about this, the more I realize that there are so many times when people come to me and tell me stories in which I just give an ear and don’t lend any advice.
I have often wondered why certain people would flock towards me and why suddenly they would feel very close to me.
I wonder if it is listening or if it’s some other thing I do that I cannot see.

Anyways, I am slowly noticing that if someone approaches me and starts talking about something I don’t care to hear about, I will most of the time just take it.
On the flip side, I rarely open up to people in real life.
My sister is always messing with me about how private I am.
Which is unintentional.

I am slightly hypocritical when it comes to information.
What can you do?

I wonder what people like about me…

First off, none of this post is said depressingly or out of bitterness. As with most my posts, I’m just talking.
Okay, one thing my mother can attest to is the fact that I have always had a problem with people.
I’m not antisocial. I can be very charismatic. I’m not crazy weird and I don’t have any disorders.
But I always just find that I have difficulty with other people and the things they do.
I have found that people will respond differently to me than they would to others. It’s like all filters are off.

Anyways, in this year living in Orange County, I have seen first hand that a lot of the qualities that I always thought were universally positive qualities aren’t quite so universal.
I’ve been told I think too much.
I’m too nice.
Etc Etc Etc.
And if qualities that you think were really great to have and you strived to have can be dismissed as undesirable, do you really have a good personality?

I remember when I was in junior high and I was bullied pretty heavily. Wished I was one of the girls that bullied me and I would come home and my mother would tell me I “have more personality in your pinkie than they have in their whole body.”
And I felt better. Because I had the important qualities. The lasting ones.

I guess I sometimes wonder what people really like about me. I mean, I stopped trying to date and socialize a few month ago, because it just seemed like people didn’t appreciate me.
And I thought:

Well, I’ll just appreciate myself. I think I’m fun.

And I have done that for 5 months. I was my own biggest fan.
But now I start to wonder what people like about me. If anything.
I’m not saying people dislike me, but are just more indifferent.

But maybe people don’t think I am as great as I think I do. Maybe my personality is all in my head and I just exist to other people.
Maybe I am just someone moving around in the background.
Full of delusions of grandeur.

Oh Well.

Thursday/Monday after Christmas

Okay, Christmas is over children.
Which I feel really becomes the climax of the year near the end. It’s like we have all been building up to Christmas.
That moment at the end of the year where you just get to relax and cherish a few things.
Even though right before it is super stressful.
I honestly thought that if one more person cut me off or stole my parking spot, I was going to lose it.
In fact, I was so damn tired and stressed out that I could barely think at work on Tuesday.
Luckily it was pretty slow that day.

Anyways, today I feel fine. I was actually wide awake this morning when I woke up at 4:15 am.
And I was able to get myself out of the door before 5:30, which had been pretty much a miracle after the past three weeks.
Also, not to brag too much, but I have already drank 3 glasses of water. Pretty much on a roll here.

However, despite the rest and the newly found strength to carry on, it definitely felt like a Monday walking into work today.
First off, I spent most of my earliness taking down my Christmas decorations that I had decorated my cubicle with. It was really sad.
Now there really isn’t anything on my cubicle walls.
It’s just a box in which I sit in.
Not even fort-like.

And I guess there is just this feeling I am getting after Christmas that is just a bit like “Now what?”
I mean, I have plans for the new year and things that I have been working on, but it’s just a little bit disheartening and there’s no real common goal for everyone anymore.
And none of the festive clothes anymore either or the nice looking family photos.
That’s a bummer.

But I think the real thing that is bothering me most is how quickly you’re “back in the swing of things”.
I work Monday and Tuesday, I was off Wednesday and now I am back on for Thursday.
Like nothing happened.

I don’t know, it feels like a Monday and everything has been taken down. And it’s not that I need closure on Christmas, I guess I can just feel time passing today?
Feel how quickly things change and how fleeting things are.
Not in a depressed way, just acknowledging its there.

I don’t know. It’s weird.