05/22/2017

The other day I watched this Ted Talk about stress and how it is actually healthy for you to feel stress.
The scientist discussed how if you view stress as healthy and the reactions your body has as rising to the occasion instead of getting stressed out, you will not have the negative reactions health-wise to stress that we normally hear about from doctors.

When I watch these sort of things, I see the benefits of knowing the results of these and trying to change your habits to be happier and healthier.
However, the last little while has been a very stressful time as we moved from our apartment to a house and I ended up having to quit my job in order to help with some of the things happening with my sister and her baby.

So, during this time, I kept thinking about that Ted Talk and how it was my body rising to the occasion….yeah that did not work.
Even though I understand the logic behind the idea of how stress is actually healthy and natural for you to experience.
That makes complete sense to me, however, it does not take away from the actual experience of being stressed and trying to function in that situation.
I think I do okay when I am in stressful situations, but being able to try to be super stoked or see my stress reactions as being ready for what I am about to do.
That may just be due to years of seeing the stress reaction for what they are, but I guess it helps to just keep the idea in the back of your head that it might be healthy?

Who’s to say, but I still am feeling stress as not the best feeling in the world and ready for it to go away.

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I don’t have a Fort, but…

Okay, living in Utah for the last couple months has been difficult.
I have said this before and I will continue to say it til the end of time.
(“Hey, remember that time I moved to Utah? What the hell?”)
Well, I still haven’t made any friends or even found the type of people you want to hang around with. This takes time, especially when you are an adult and you are never consistently around people.
Plus, the places I used to feel comfortable in that should be consistent are no longer comfortable, but that is a different post.
You can’t see me wink.

Anyways, my day is mostly filled with working. Lately I have been working 10 hour days.
With lunch it’s really 11, but lunch doesn’t really count.
Well, then I have a roommate who is a little…different.
Just imagine coming home after working 10 hours and you are immediately greeted by someone telling you everything horrible that happened in the news.
Or all the details of their day. Complete, full details.
I find a lot of nights I suddenly do not want to make dinner.
So I just go to my room which is still not my own.

Anyways, I have been noticing a strange trend where I wake up every morning wanting ice cream for breakfast?
But also every day after work I drive home and I park my car. Then I sit in said car in silence for 20 to 45 minutes.
Just sitting there. Not really thinking about anything.

I have felt it before that my car is more like my room now that I am an adult.
Which makes sense, it’s the one thing that is always 100% mine. I haven’t had my own room in 4 years.
I pay double my rent on my car payment. Even more if you count gas a month.
And just like rent I will no longer have my car if I stop paying.
Also, I strangely expect people to respect the fact that it is my car. Anytime I have been insulted in there, it was more offensive because obviously my car is a safe place.

Well, today was an especially hard day. Again, worked 10 hours.
And in a skirt, which is always the worst. (Going to have to wear a hoodie for a couple of days to balance that out. One meeting and you have to be in a skirt all day? Blah.) My hair needs to be dyed, so it looks horrible.
I still don’t know what I am doing with my life (see previous post) and due to recent changes in my life, I have been trying to learn to control my emotions. Or not act on them really.
I am a very emotional person and a very reactive person. So, holding things in is not really my forte.

Anyways, finally got home for the day and I again just sat in my car.
And then I almost wanted to sleep in my car. Just not go inside, but take a nap in my car.
But that would mean more time in the pencil skirt and we just can’t have that.
Yet another reason why I need my own apartment and possibly a puppy.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, but you get the point.
Blah Blah Blah, something about my car.

(There is a song, you can listen to it here. In My Room by The Beach Boys)

Red Rover, Red Rover…I’ll take anyone.

Okay, I would like you to read this paragraph and then close your eyes. (I can’t tell you to close your eyes now, cause you have to read)
Imagine the whole world was playing Red Rover. On one team though.
All the trillions of people on this planet all holding hands on one team. (And I actually imagine them more in a group holding hands, rather than a line. Better Effect.)
Just vast amounts of people holding hands in a group on one team.
Pretty powerful image, depending on how great of an imagination you have.

Well, sometimes I reach a point in my life where my job gets very stressful and I get overwhelmed. I have so many things I have to take care of, so many things I am trying to do. The whole time I am trying to be as calm and mature as possible while wishing I’m in bed the whole time and don’t scream at anyone.
And it’s during this time that I realize that everything would be 60x easier if I just had some positive reenforcement. Just someone going “Hey, you are doing a great job.” Or “Hey, you’ve got this.” But you really only hear about what you’re doing wrong.
I understand that this is not how the world works and that the default human setting is to be oblivious to most people’s triumphs except your own. But it’s also the default setting to need some form of praise.

This is when I think of that game of Red Rover where the whole world is playing on one team.
And I’m on the other team. Hoping someone will come over.
It’s times like these where I just want someone on my team.

That’s really all I had to say.

Good Morning, Monday.

So, I haven’t been blogging lately. Mostly because I haven’t had Internet in my house, which makes life incredibly hard when you do online schooling.
But even more so when you have a blog, because even if I have a blog post in mind, it’s really difficult to motivate myself to sit down and write it out on my phone.

What’s also difficult is the fact that I can only do word blog posts. I mean, so many times I have sat down and started to write out a blog post on my phone and then realized that I had the perfect song to go with it, but I couldn’t.
Or how about the people who (for some odd reason) are requesting I do another video.
Well, I’m not ignoring you, I am just living in 1976 technology wise.
…with two smart phones.

If there is one thing that I am beginning to notice about life, it’s that stress and happiness seem to be on a loop.
It’s not consistent or even in a small loop, like being bipolar.
No, it’s like things are going really good and then it slowly goes down, til my life is boring and all I have is stress.
That is where I am at right now. I did nothing this morning.

Anyways, I would keep going with my thoughts about the cycle of my life, but I can’t post the song I want that goes with it.
So, just take comfort in the fact that at some point you will here more about this subject and here a gorgeous song that illustrates my feelings.
But as of now, you can’t.

In other news, I woke up this morning thinking about pirates and I just feel that’s something we should be encouraging.

Living Consistently is Hard.

Okay, all of my life I have been considered to be a very sweet and kind person. I smile a lot and I am very friendly.
But life always appears to run in a cycle. Every once in a while I will be going about my business, trying to be “me” like I just described and for some reason it just isn’t working out.
For some reason I am not being as nice to people as I want to be. I am not tolerating the things that people around me do. And I start to be very vocal about my disapproval in what they are doing.
On the one hand, this can be a very good trait. It is always good to stand up for yourself and to be vocal about the things that are bothering you….in moderation.
I am not talking about moderation here. I am talking about getting frustrated very easily and just an unpleasant person to be around.

I mentioned in one of my other posts that I have been making a lot of strides lately that I have been wanting to make for a long time.
But I noticed yesterday, when I bought my first car, that things that should be making me very happy and having an extended amount of happiness (more than a few hours) just have not been keeping me pleased for very long.
I have been grouchy. Consistently. Like an 80-year-old man.
Except I am a girl and grouchy. It’s still unpleasant for people around me though. I just have a nicer voice when I complain.

So, yesterday I took a little while to sit and think about why I have been so unpleasant and so ornery to everyone around. Cause no one likes someone who is short-tempered. Especially if its someone you are not used to them being so prickly.
The conclusion I came to whilst I was sitting there pondering, I realized that I have been really stressed out lately.

Now, I am one of those people who do not realize when they are stressed out naturally. It’s not until someone indirectly brings my attention to it. Like my sister telling me that I do not put up with anything and I have been a jerk to everyone lately.
Clearly she sugar coats things.

You know how you always hear that admitting something is wrong is the first and the hardest step?
Well I find that is really the only step for me. Once I realize I am being a jerk and it’s because I am stressed, I took care of it. I did things that I knew would not only relax me as a person, but relax my subconscious as well.
That simple.

Here is the problem I have with being “stressed”: Even if I have a viable excuse for being stressed (which I feel I do), it is not like no one else in the world is stressed out or they don’t have stresses in their lives. So it seems pretty selfish to act like a jerk because I am stressed out and only my stress matters.

But on the other hand, I do have to mention that I think saying “You are usually such a happy person” when someone is clearly having a rough time doesn’t help much either.
I mean, no one can consistently be happy. They can have a track record of being happy and generally they can be a happy, sweet person.
But expecting someone to always be happy and to always be sweet to everyone seems like a lot to ask. Ideally I would of  course like to be happy all the time and to not have stress in my life, but that is unrealistic.
It’s simply unrealistic.

The point is, for right now I recognize that I have been having some trouble with positive thinking and stress.
And we are going to go from there.
That is all.

“No use stressing, we will all die eventually.”

I have been thinking about all the things I want to post on here all week and yet I have not posted any. In fact, there are a lot of things that I have been meaning to do this week that I just haven’t.

I always like to think that I am a very composed person. Someone that is very flexible and easy-going. I like to think that big changes in my life don’t throw me off-balance at all or maybe for just a day or two. Which is a bit ridiculous.
I am a person who loves routines. It’s rather ridiculous how much I love routines. I like to eat the same things when it comes to my calorie counting. I like to go to the same gas stations at the same times. I even like jobs that have uniforms so I don’t have to switch up what I wear everyday.
Yeah, it’s that bad.

So, I have no clue why I have this idea that not only moving wouldn’t throw me off, but finding a new job, getting a full-time seasonal job immediately which is actually very exhausting, trying to live with my parents again AND  a break up all at once would not faze me at all. I mean, I go around thinking that I will be completely fine.

It wasn’t until tonight when I realized how not okay I am doing at this and I am feeling a little bit stressed about it. Tonight I have a sore throat from restlessness that I was unaware of. I am getting sick and I also just found out that my school has a group project that was given to us 2 weeks ago and is due at the end of this week.
Imagine my embarrassment emailing the leader of the group finally asking for an assignment.

With all of these things happening tonight and me realizing everything that I have let fall through the cracks these last two weeks, I started to think about one of my seasonal job co-workers. On Wednesday we were hanging out in Santa’s Office and I can’t remember what I said, but later on I apologized for whatever I said.
He replied with “Don’t worry, there is no point stressing over small things when we are all going to die eventually.”

At first I thought this was a really depressing thing for him to say. Why get upset ever? You are just going to die. Any statement that brings up the fact that we are all going to die is pretty freaking depressing in my mind.

But after today, I am realizing that it is not that bad of a saying. Why worry about if the leader of the group project is going to get mad and chew me out? In the grand scheme of things, that’s not that bad.
BUT! I have to say, that does not apply to my blog. I want to post everyday, whether I am going to die or not. And the days I don’t, I feel missed opportunities.

Anyways, I don’t know how to end things. My head is foggy. I’m complaining.