04/28/2017

I have a lot of things on my mind tonight and I am not sure how I feel about any of them. Lying in bed right now I am just thinking about all these things and coming to no conclusion.

Today was one of those days where you wonder if the decisions you made were the right ones to make. Particularly socially in this case.

I was supposed to go on a firsts date tonight, but he cancelled because better plans came up. I told him we shouldn’t go on a date at all then. 

Telling a guy I don’t want to go on a date with him because of something he did is something that always sticks in mind for awhile. I haven’t done it very many times, but a few times my mother has said I was too critical and hasty. I now sit and wonder if I was, even though I still don’t want to go on a date with him.

 It’s not about him specifically, I just think it’s that you closed the door on an opportunity permanently and was that right? It seems like a simple thing, but what if it wasn’t? Who’s to say.

The other social situation on my mind is that I don’t have any friends in Draper. I live with my sister and brother in law who are my best friends, but at work or church I don’t really know anyone.

Today at work, after the date thing, I was craving some social interaction, so I started IMing this guy I’ve been in a few trainings with while I worked. It was great! We IM’d almost all day and it helped the day go by. 

But as I drove home, I wondered if being a single woman in my 20s and him having a girlfriend made that inappropriate. I enjoyed talking to him and nothing inappropriate was said, just chatting.  I want to be respectful, but I need a friend as well.

This is all just classic overthinking. That coworker probably doesn’t think anything of it and that date doesn’t matter. It’s just had because you grow up and try to interact socially and it’s constantly like “Am I doing this right?”

I guess these are just the things I worry about before falling asleep.

Oh that’s how you are? Heh Nice…

This will be a rant. You are warned.

Alright, the time has come for me to talk about one of my favorite social cop outs. Oh, the forced laughter and shaking of my head that ensues from me after someone does this. It may even cause me to occasionally put my head in my hands and say “Oh God Guys, Really?”

Now I come from a family of very important business people and natural-born salesmen. Being charismatic and socially capable is something that I have been trained since I was about 5. You have to have a lot of emotional intelligence and social skills in both of those fields and in families with both of those people. That’s just life.
Also, when two people decide to have 6 children, they don’t put up with a lot of those children’s funk. If they had only one child; Sure be a total brat up until your 30.
But we can’t have 6 brats running around or even just three. My parents would never tolerate it if we acted up or used bad social skills. Or at least this is what happened with me. I could not be one of the two brats our family was allowed.

I find that because I am so young, I deal with a lot of people who are close to my age. And when you are dealing with people who are just barely out of their teenage years, there is a lot of social skills that I feel are missing.
I am not trying to be on a high horse here, I just have a lot of frustration when you are dealing with people and they are very difficult to be around.

(Tangent: That was just one of those sentences where if someone else had said that I would tease them by saying something like:

That’s funny, because I personally love being around difficult people.

Really Corrie? Do you have to make fun of everything when I talk? Damn you.)

So, one of my favorite cop outs that people around my age use, either for themselves or someone else, is when they do something that is offensive, you point out how offensive it was and they turn around and say:

Well, that’s just how I am.

Oh, how I hate this.

Okay, we all have really offensive behaviors. Like me. I am a bit of a jerk. I say super offensive things all the time, but when I do that I own up to it. I don’t turn around and say:

“Oh, I offended you? Well that’s just how I am so that makes it okay.”

It’s just a  cop-out. It implies that people should just accept someone’s social awkwardness and allow them to continue in their ways. That’s just how they are. They don’t need to change, you need to change and accept it.

So, I am a bit of a jerk and I find the only way to react to that is just to let them be the way they are…without me.
They can be exactly who they are by themselves, because in the end it’s not okay with me that that’s the way they are.

I suppose I am a just a loner (totally not trying to sound cool by saying that). I think I am one of those people who isn’t used to having a lot of friends, so when I am hanging out with someone and they repeatedly try to pull crap like that, I lose interest very quickly.

In the end, I think that is my flaw and being a lone badger is not fun. Badgers are ugly.

I don’t know how to act.

So, today was my first day of my new seasonal job(I moved to California last Tuesday). And as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep tonight I realized something; I said a lot of really weird things today.
Every 6 months or so, I start to get feed back from people very close to me saying that I should change some of my social habits. This of course sends me into a worrying state about my personality and the way I act around people.

Now, my mother keeps telling me that I have been through a lot these last few weeks (breaking up with my boyfriend, quitting my job, moving to California and away from the place I grew up. No B D). She says that because I have had so many changes, now is not the time in my life where I should be worrying about what my psychological problems.
As if I could just suddenly stop worrying.

Well, I have moved to a new state. Which means people act a lot differently and have a completely different social environment and set of expectations than they did in Las Vegas.
It is a bit weird to think that there is such a huge difference in culture just from changing states, but there is. Example: Southern people or people from Utah.

So, I really don’t know how people act here in California and now looking back on my day, I said some really weird things.
Of course I know why I said those things, but it is not like I can go back and explain to everyone why I said them. There is no commentary option for real life. Plus, no one watches commentary anyways.

But what this leaves me thinking is that maybe I am one of THOSE people. Those really weird people who say oddball things out of nowhere.
I mean, I’d like to think that I am one of those weird people who say weird things because they are just so smart they can’t help but say weird things. But I am pretty sure I am not one of those super smart people. I think I am just someone who says weird things because they are a weird person.
Maybe I just don’t know how to act. I just don’t know.

Anyways, interacting with other people is stressful. Everything is kinda stressful right now. I find that when I am stressed, worried or focusing really hard, I clench my jaw without noticing. I am now at the point where my teeth are hurting from being pressed together so hard.
I don’t really know what to do about that or about my weird social practices.

At least I am cool on the internet, right?

I’ve lost my mind, have you seen it?

Occasionally people do things that are so completely perplexing that I can barely function when I think about it. So, it gives me great comfort when people do these things to just think “Hmm, I must be insane.”
Funny how that works. Instead of thinking that they do these things because there is something wrong with them, I think there is something wrong with me because these things bug me.
Is there something wrong with this thinking? Most likely. But it’s so much easier and comforting to just think that obviously I am insane.

Clearly I have examples.

Recently I saw this “friend” of mine that I haven’t talked to in about 2 months. I felt like I should take the time to talk to this person, so I quickly ended the conversation I was having to talk to this person. So we were in the middle of talking and he says “Well, I think that…” and walks away in the middle of his sentence. Uhhh…?
I can understand if I was boring you that you might walk away in the middle of my sentence. That’s fine, I don’t mind that. But walking away in the middle of your own sentence? Yeah, that’s a new one.

Second example, cause people need two. One is the loneliest number and all that jazz.
Yesterday was the second time I hung out with a friend of my sisters. Well during my time with him and my sister yesterday it was mentioned one of his nicknames. I kinda laughed about it and asked if I could call him that. He said yes. I called him it for the rest of the night and he answered.
So today I said something to him and I called him by the nickname. He got upset that I would call him that. I told him that he said I could call him that and I had been calling him that. He told me he thought I was joking and he did not say I could call him that.
Wow. Honestly I have never told someone they could call me something that I would turn and get upset about later. And people call me some pretty crazy things.

In both of these situations, which happened within 2 days of each other, afterwards I was just sitting there thinking “Uh, what just happened?” When things like this happen, I find it not only weird but I just plain don’t understand.
So it leads me to think that I’m weird because I would never do these things.

Obviously I’m insane and I can dig it. I will accept my fate and hopefully my fate comes with drugs.

Minding my Own Business, For a Change.

False. I didn’t realize how completely impossible this is until I actually tried it. For me at least.

People say it’s a good thing to be confident and social. To put yourself out there and really be outgoing. Now whether this is better than being reserved or not, I can’t be the judge. But this is just what I hear people say.
Well the fact of the matter is, I am one of those people who inserts myself deep into people’s social lives. I put myself out there, I head I’m outgoing. No fear. Whatever. Basically, I make myself an easy target. And I hear a lot that people covet this trait of mine. That’s great for them.

It’s so hard when all people see is the plus side of a certain trait you have and not the negative. What is the negative to being outgoing?
Well for one, you can never really get out of people’s business. Why? Because, at least for me, people gain a certain amount of trust for you. Why? Because people respond to the fact that you are willing to talk to them and to listen to them. You are willing to open up yourself, which unintentionally makes them want to open up themselves. This gains their trust and they are more willing to confide in you.
The big problem I always have with this? When people open up, they most of the time want advice on their lives. Sometimes they don’t, but the majourity of the time people see me act this way and they come to me for advice. The problem? I don’t have any advice. Does it look like I have everything figured out? That’s funny someone would think that cause I feel like I’m failing.

The second problem I’m having, I’m an easy target. Honestly, if someone decided they wanted to kill me today, I would be an easier target than freaking Obama. I’m easy to pick out of a crowd. I’m loud and everyone knows who I am. Mostly the last part is the one I have trouble with. How does everyone know who I am? Well I’m not being conceited, the fact of the matter is I pretty much talk to every single person who walks past me. Why? Trained.

How is this a problem? Well occasionally I like to hide from people. How is that for maturity. Ask me for advice now.
Occasionally I like to hide from people. Whether I am having issues with this person. Whether the thought of talking to them gives me anxiety. Or whether I am just flat-out ignoring them for some silly reason in my head. I’m not above playing hide and go seek in my head with you. And I will avoid you if necessary. The problem with that is, everyone knows who I am, so all you would have to do is say my name and a you’d have someone point right to me. That’s not ideal.

As much as I am aware of these problems, I can’t quite contain myself. I hear it’s my “personality”. Ugh.
In fact, last night one of my best friends said that she has since learned that it’s not creepiness or awkwardness anymore in her mind. It’s just me. So instead of hanging out with me being a string of adjectives, she has realized that it’s incomparable? Why? She said that no one else is doing things like me. That it just is me.

I don’t know how I feel about all this.