04/28/2017

I have a lot of things on my mind tonight and I am not sure how I feel about any of them. Lying in bed right now I am just thinking about all these things and coming to no conclusion.

Today was one of those days where you wonder if the decisions you made were the right ones to make. Particularly socially in this case.

I was supposed to go on a firsts date tonight, but he cancelled because better plans came up. I told him we shouldn’t go on a date at all then. 

Telling a guy I don’t want to go on a date with him because of something he did is something that always sticks in mind for awhile. I haven’t done it very many times, but a few times my mother has said I was too critical and hasty. I now sit and wonder if I was, even though I still don’t want to go on a date with him.

 It’s not about him specifically, I just think it’s that you closed the door on an opportunity permanently and was that right? It seems like a simple thing, but what if it wasn’t? Who’s to say.

The other social situation on my mind is that I don’t have any friends in Draper. I live with my sister and brother in law who are my best friends, but at work or church I don’t really know anyone.

Today at work, after the date thing, I was craving some social interaction, so I started IMing this guy I’ve been in a few trainings with while I worked. It was great! We IM’d almost all day and it helped the day go by. 

But as I drove home, I wondered if being a single woman in my 20s and him having a girlfriend made that inappropriate. I enjoyed talking to him and nothing inappropriate was said, just chatting.  I want to be respectful, but I need a friend as well.

This is all just classic overthinking. That coworker probably doesn’t think anything of it and that date doesn’t matter. It’s just had because you grow up and try to interact socially and it’s constantly like “Am I doing this right?”

I guess these are just the things I worry about before falling asleep.

Oh that’s how you are? Heh Nice…

This will be a rant. You are warned.

Alright, the time has come for me to talk about one of my favorite social cop outs. Oh, the forced laughter and shaking of my head that ensues from me after someone does this. It may even cause me to occasionally put my head in my hands and say “Oh God Guys, Really?”

Now I come from a family of very important business people and natural-born salesmen. Being charismatic and socially capable is something that I have been trained since I was about 5. You have to have a lot of emotional intelligence and social skills in both of those fields and in families with both of those people. That’s just life.
Also, when two people decide to have 6 children, they don’t put up with a lot of those children’s funk. If they had only one child; Sure be a total brat up until your 30.
But we can’t have 6 brats running around or even just three. My parents would never tolerate it if we acted up or used bad social skills. Or at least this is what happened with me. I could not be one of the two brats our family was allowed.

I find that because I am so young, I deal with a lot of people who are close to my age. And when you are dealing with people who are just barely out of their teenage years, there is a lot of social skills that I feel are missing.
I am not trying to be on a high horse here, I just have a lot of frustration when you are dealing with people and they are very difficult to be around.

(Tangent: That was just one of those sentences where if someone else had said that I would tease them by saying something like:

That’s funny, because I personally love being around difficult people.

Really Corrie? Do you have to make fun of everything when I talk? Damn you.)

So, one of my favorite cop outs that people around my age use, either for themselves or someone else, is when they do something that is offensive, you point out how offensive it was and they turn around and say:

Well, that’s just how I am.

Oh, how I hate this.

Okay, we all have really offensive behaviors. Like me. I am a bit of a jerk. I say super offensive things all the time, but when I do that I own up to it. I don’t turn around and say:

“Oh, I offended you? Well that’s just how I am so that makes it okay.”

It’s just a  cop-out. It implies that people should just accept someone’s social awkwardness and allow them to continue in their ways. That’s just how they are. They don’t need to change, you need to change and accept it.

So, I am a bit of a jerk and I find the only way to react to that is just to let them be the way they are…without me.
They can be exactly who they are by themselves, because in the end it’s not okay with me that that’s the way they are.

I suppose I am a just a loner (totally not trying to sound cool by saying that). I think I am one of those people who isn’t used to having a lot of friends, so when I am hanging out with someone and they repeatedly try to pull crap like that, I lose interest very quickly.

In the end, I think that is my flaw and being a lone badger is not fun. Badgers are ugly.

Dear Imaginary Friend,

Well, this is a bit embarrassing. Remember that time when I got really cocky and forgot about you cause I didn’t need you anymore? Heh. I’m willing to eat crow here.
I need you again. It’s pretty bad right now. I thought I had it bad in elementary school. Remember that? And I used be so anxious to graduate so that I could do all the things I wanted? I was a silly girl.
In other news, kids don’t make fun of me anymore, but just me by myself. I think you know that I can’t be left alone.

No one gets my jokes here. No one gets my movie references. What the heck? I’m funny. I distinctly remember being funny.
And even though I am nice to people, they still don’t like me. This isn’t kindergarten anymore where we have to be nice or at least we make puppets.
No. This is adult times. And in adult times you have to wing it by yourself.

That’s why I need you. We can be a team again. I know you’ve been waiting. But we have to be different this time
See, I kinda want you be a guy and not a dragon this time. That way I can cuddle you at night without you burning my face off. That also means that you won’t have to live in my closet anymore.
And I want you to be very excited to go places with me. Just you and me in the carpool lane. We can sing at the top of our lungs and have dance parties in my car. I have a car this time!

Mostly I need you to be on my team. I need you to care about me and think I’m the greatest person alive. I promise I will return the favor.
And if you just want to be my friend with the long-term plan of exacting revenge on me for ditching you, I’ll take it.

I’m patiently waiting your response and totally wishing you were here.
See you Soon,

Corrie

If you don’t care, then I don’t care…to your face.

Okay, what I am about to impart with you can only be the result of two causes, but it shall be another “Woe is me” post. You will all get used to it eventually.

Lately I have found that the only people I encounter (outside of family) are ones that I end up caring about, but they could care less about me. So, I’ve decide that maybe it’s just because I am lonely or maybe I am just super pathetic.
First off, I am okay with the idea that I am socially pathetic. Not in the fact that I can’t socialize, but in the fact that I can’t seal the deal. Or if I do, it’s only in my head. I like people a lot and it just doesn’t work both ways.
And then I figure “Oh, I’ll show them and leave them alone.” Then they forget about you. Who did I really hurt during that one?

See, I have this amazing capacity to care about people. To empathize then try to be everyone’s best friend. I guess I am one of those bleeding hearts people. Not that I let everyone walk over me.
I just like people. I enjoy complimenting people and making them feel good.
But it all goes south, because I have this tendency to attach feelings to people who do not necessarily reciprocate such feelings. And I am not talking about romantic feelings, although this does happen in those situations too, I am talking about feelings in general.
I have them, you don’t.

It’s on days like today where I end up sitting alone thinking: Why in the hell do I do that?  Why help people when I need help I have no one to call? Why should I care about people when they don’t give a damn about me?
I mean, it may seem like an admirable quality to always be caring and nice to people, but at the end of the day I find I just crave for someone to extend the small bits that I do to them.

Anyways, I’m going to go eat some worms.

Oh, this is not safe.

Do you ever have moment where you think that you are among friends, but then as it turns out you are not? You are sitting there with someone who you have known for years and you feel like you should be able to trust completely, then out of your mouth comes a comment. Not the nicest comment, a comment you would have said with anyone else. It would have been inappropriate if you were with someone else.

It’s always my favorite when in that moment that person who you thought you could trust turns around and just let’s you know what a horrible person you are.  In that moment you realize that this person is not the person you thought.
You are not in a safe place where freedom of speech is in full effect. You are not among friends, you are among superficial friends.

I guess the worst part is what comes next. Worrying, regret.
Worrying that the person you said such a thing to will spread that around. Regret because you know you said something inappropriate in that company.
You see, if this thing you said were to be spread around, no one would understand that you are not a vicious and mean person. No one would understand, that was a comment of secret thoughts for secret friends. But you made a mistake. You told someone you thought you could trust and it turns out they are not on your side.
It’s even better when it is someone in your family.

I would like to think that situations like this do not mean that you are two-faced. There are certain things that you can think about someone else that are not always positive. You can’t think everything positive about someone.
The problem is that people do not accept this truth. They think if you do not accept all of them, you accept none of them. This is false, but that is how social interactions go.

I will now conclude my shame with a song:

I like this song because I actually feel that way all the time. Especially in the situation I just described. This whole song pretty much sums up my entire social life and every social interaction I’ve ever had.
Eh….