8/16/2017

I’m at a point in time right now where life just seems really long and really hard and really lonely.

I have been feeling it for a couple weeks now and the typical things I use to comfort myself aren’t doing it so much for me anymore. When they are comforting, it’s just temporary.

I don’t really have a direction for this post or even had a ton I wanted to say, I just wanted to write down my feelings, because I am having them again very strongly tonight.

I know I will feel better after reading my scriptures and this reoccurring feeling that will pass over time. Kind of like a slump, but it is one I’ve had for the past while and I just can’t shake it. It’s a waiting for it to pass thing and I just wanted to talk about it.

That’s all.

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06/17/2016

So, a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I just haven’t really talked about it, because I have just been kind of rolling with it.
Some people may feel that this is the best way to be in life, I am still on the fence as to whether it is or not.
However, I have found that I have just surrendered to living that way, because making a lot of plans or having a lot of expectations has never really gotten me anywhere anyways.
But that could just be my personality. I am sure if I was someone that really stuck to plans and had to have one, I would be more married to the idea.

Either way, life happened in the past few weeks and I let it.
I am now living with my grandfather in St. George, UT. I moved here last week and I am still not even used to waking up here.
It is one of those things that just happened.
My cousin was living with him, but he got married three weeks ago and I still didn’t have a job, so I ended up taking his place.
I was just in the right place, right time for it to happen.

I was in an interview the other day here in St. George and they asked me how long I was planning to stay.
I told them that I didn’t know.
I know that I was moving to Utah to start building an adult life that I could have for the long term, but I guess I am just going to do this first?
Or maybe this is where I am supposed to be?
I’m not sure. It is still Utah, but a little more desert than I was hoping to move to.

The point is, I am just winging this and going to see how it goes.


(Young Lion by Vampire Weekend)

“The vote has been noted.”

Okay, I’m LDS (or Mormon) and I don’t really talk about it that much on my blog, but today I really want to talk about it.
Particularly I want to talk about the LDS opposing votes from General Conference that everyone keeps talking about.

Tonight I was at FHE

FHE
FHE is an acronym for Family Home Evening. Family home evening is what the Mormons do every monday night. They get together as a family, play games, tell stories, etc. Also known as Family Night but this occurs on a weekly basis.
by NinjaSteve June 09, 2009 (Courtesy of Urban Dictionary and Ninja Steve)
and we were talking about conference and someone brought up the opposing votes. One of the people in my FHE group said (and this is not verbatim)
“Why do people have to do things like that? You don’t have to be a member of our church. If you don’t like it, don’t come.”
But I think we are totally missing the best part about someone opposing.
Now, I wasn’t able to listen to the Saturday Night session as it was happening. I don’t have some great excuse for this, I was probably at Target with the Homies.
But when I did hear about people opposing in the session, my first thought was “That’s pretty awesome!
And not just because of President Uchtdorf’s response.
The vote
Dieter
I was actually pretty stoked about the opposing vote itself.
I feel like we become to complacent with the idea of
“Those in favor?”
Everyone raises their hand.
“Those opposed? The vote has been unanimous.”
It gets to the point where we forget that we are even voting for something. And that’s amazing.
So, again, when people in the church want to talk about and ask the following question:
“Why do people have to do things like that? You don’t have to be a member of our church. If you don’t like it, don’t come.”
Why do they still come? Because the Lord’s plan for agency is alive and well!
It still exists! We still get to choose!
And you know what, people got to choose in the pre-mortal life when a third of the host of Heaven said they didn’t like that plan.
God could have easily said “Sucks, go to Earth.”
But he didn’t, he let them go off and do whatever they wanted to do.
Yet how badly do we wish they hadn’t now?
You want to know what is ever more amazing?
People can still not choose it after they die. Don’t you feel like maybe that’s a little crazy and yet amazing?
“Do you accept that these things are true?”
“No, thanks.”
“Are you kidding? Look where we are right now. He’s standing right there.”
“Mmm, better not.”
And God respects that.
He has said to each and every single person, if that’s how you feel, you don’t have to follow me.
And that’s awesome.
Recently I posted something on my Instagram about conference and someone else commented saying that the church is cult.
It bothered me at first, but then there was the opposing vote.
And you know what, we are the only cult I know of that lets you take a vote and acknowledges your vote.
In fact, we are the only religion I know of that lets you take a vote.
How amazing would it be if the Vatican came out and said to those thousands of people watching:
Hey Guys, we are about to release the white smoke, but first, how are you feeling about this new pope?
And how much better is it when someone actually asks you what you think?
We are still going to have President Monson as the prophet, but we did ask. And when we ask, we want an honest answer.
I think the major flaw in how we are viewing this is first of all, we assume that these 5 people dislike our entire church. Maybe they don’t.
Maybe they just don’t approve of the prophet or maybe it’s just one thing that one of the authorities said that’s just been eating at them.
But shouldn’t our answer be “We’re so glad you came anyways.”
We are so freaking glad that you came despite what is bugging you about our church. We’re so happy to have you here.
Because how badly do we wish they were there when they aren’t?
Into the boat
There are things that I’m sure each of us don’t agree with in the church.
I sure as hell don’t agree with every little thing, but I want to be there anyways and take part anyways.
And I want to use my agency to say the word hell anytime  I want.
I guess what I am saying is that if agency, voting and opposing views are a part of this life and not only a part, but welcomed by the Lord.
We should welcome it too.
The Lords Plan
The next time there is an opposing vote, even if it’s just in my regular church meetings, my reaction will still be Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you so much for understanding the plan of Salvation and that you have agency.
Thank you for remembering that we do care about your opinion.
And Oh My Heck! Thank you so much Heavenly Father for caring about each of our opinions individually to let us vote.
BANGARANG HEAVENLY FATHER! Or in other words, Hallelujah to the Most High God!

Neck Fat.

Okay, so I mentioned that I was visiting some family recently and while I was there I had an interesting conversation with a male member of my extended family.
It was a very open conversation in the beginning and he mentioned that he liked my hair short and why I cut it.
I thanked him, but I mentioned that I wasn’t as fond of it as I think it makes my neck look big. (Again, open conversation)
His response was “So, lose weight.”

I just ignored the comment and instead started telling this man who I rarely see about some of the body positive movements and how I felt like I watch my weight and that I wouldn’t want to continue feeling bad about myself and my body when one day I may have a daughter. I wouldn’t want her to grow up knowing that I felt that way about myself.
And that’s what I told him. About my hypothetical future daughter.

He responded letting me know that he knew exactly what I meant. Like how his girlfriend’s roommates all had fake breasts and his girlfriend didn’t, but that was okay.

Two for two.
He finished it off with letting me know that he has seen bigger girls than me get married, so not to worry.

Arrested Development Body

Now, here is the thing, this particular person in my family considers himself to be a very big feminist and I happen to know that he thought he was really being uplifting towards me.
So, I didn’t say anything.

But this is one of the reasons that I am a bit of a feminist and that I began to be a part of this whole body positive movement.
First off, if all I have to look forward to is marriage, I’ve got issues.
I don’t even have a prospect at this point.

But second, there is way more to life than having the perfect ideal body and gaining my sense of accomplishment by being married, it’s not going to lead to being happy with myself.
Quite the opposite. It may make me happier, but definitely not my happiest if my goal are dependent on what other people think about me.
The point of body positive movements is not about giving up on things like losing weight or making your body look more in a way you want, but it’s about accepting who you are without having those things, being happy despite those things and not comparing yourself to others or to ideals that others might have for you.
It’s about just being content even if it’s not where you want to be.
And a big part is not letting things other’s say about you or your weight affect what you are doing. Like said situation which before would have really got me down.
“He thinks I need to lose weight?”
“A guy will let me marry him because I am big?”

Absolutely not. We are just going to power on through those comments.


(There is a song you can listen to it here. Houdini by Foster the People. Lyrics Here.)

That is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs. Recently one of my favorite body positive movements asked for pictures on Saturday of people smiling and I used one of the lyrics from that song.

Focus on your abilities
Then they can’t get what they want to steal

(You can see my picture here.)

Focus on who you are right now today and then you won’t worry about your neck fat or the fact that you don’t have fake breasts.
Then you can’t be backed into a corner where someone will let you marry them or think your future wedding pictures are beautiful, because Hey! They’ve seen bigger.
Focus on your abilities.

 

3 hours and 41 minutes.

So, this past weekend I was at my grandparent’s house in St. George just hanging out and helping them run errands. Nothing really special, although I may talk about it more later.

Anyways, St. George is 3 hours and 41 minutes away from Provo where I live. So, I just barely got home after making that long of a car ride by myself. Normally I will listen to some books or something to distract myself, because songs are only a 3 minute distraction, but tonight as I was making this drive, I was thinking about my life and whether I am happy.

Recently I was browsing online (I do that sometimes) and I found a quote that said 

“If your life were a book, would anyone want to read it?”

This was the basis of what I was contemplating the ride home. Would someone want do read my life book?

I’m not fully sure, I don’t see why they wouldn’t. Would it be a best seller? Maybe not, but I do think a few people would read it, just like a few people read my blog. I mean, if people like watching Indie movies where there is less of a plot and more just watching people interact, they would like my life book.

But then I started to wonder if I was happy with the book that is being written about me. This is something that I have been wondering a lot lately, since I’m running around making a ton of life altering decisions, like moving to Provo, but at the same time it can feel like I am just doing the same thing over and over again each day. Then it makes you wonder if your goals are ones that will make you happy.

I, of course, learned nothing in over thinking this for 3 hours and 41 minutes, but I did remember that while I was at my grandparents house, there were a few times where I realized that I was ready to go home and that normally doesn’t happen unless there are things you are ready to see again. Which implies a certain sense of happiness with some situations.

Maybe that’s all you can ask for sometimes. 

(There is a song which you can listen to here. Mango Tree by Angus & Julia Stone)

St. Patrick’s Day…Stuff.

So, this morning I woke up an I got dressed like any other day, but then I looked at my phone and noticed that Google had it’s St. Patrick’s Day little logo going on.
I sat there wondering if I should go and buy a green shirt for the Holiday, but then I decided that I really didn’t want to.

I feel like St. Patrick’s day has turned into another holiday that was created for a purpose, but not a ton of people know what the purpose of St. Patrick’s day is.
Christmas and Thanksgiving aren’t like that since people know why they were originally created, but a lot of it is more traditions rather than why the Holiday was originally celebrated.
St Patrick’s Day just seems to be a little bit about drinking, wearing green OR this year I heard a lot about Scottish and Catholic people wearing orange to protest it.
…Hmm.

You know, it was originally made to celebrate a priest.
I am actually partially Irish though, so I should probably know about this and have slightly more pride in it…
But the biggest thing I don’t like about it is that I woke up this morning and realized what day it was, then I decided I didn’t need to wear green.
Why?
Because we are adults and I shouldn’t have to worry about unwanted touching, like pinching.
…Not so.

Apparently pinching and touching other people is still valid when you are an adult. In fact, people almost find it more funny.
I don’t get this.
I also don’t like random people touching me. Like I really don’t like that.
Call me strange.

Anyways, I did end up going to Wal-Mart and buying a $4 green t-shirt for this occasion.
I figured I would share, because anyone who follows my blog would know I love posting the things I am wearing.
I just need to get a better camera than my phone with a timer and a camera stand. Then I would go stand in the middle of the woods in a very Indie way and take pictures of myself.

GreenShirt GreenShoes

You guy’s know I love those tropical shoes.
Also, this was on my work’s announcement system for St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know what it means and neither did Google, but I’m love with it.

GreenBearHappy Day.

Liberty Spikes

So, I have a friend who I work with that was going to shave his head and before he did he said he would send me a picture of him with a Mohawk.
Which he did and it was amazing. I am not going to be posting it since I don’t have his permission.

Well, I said that I would return the favor.
Last Friday I did this and I wore it to work.

Liberty SpikesI thought I would post it as a slight brag and also because it is pretty fun to look at.
I watched a YouTube Tutorial. It took an hour and 45 minutes to do and just a ton of hair spray.
My roommate wants me to do a faux hawk next.

Please listen to this song as you think about my bad ass hair.

(You can listen to the song here.)

Days like this.

I’m having a bit of a weird day.
Lately I have been going through certain things in my life and slowly trying to fix them one by one.
Some of those things include how I text people in such a demanding way or the basically the way I think about life in general.
How I feel about the fact that I am in debt and what I am going to do about it.
Pretty much just an audit of my life and my behavior, because I haven’t been really happy and I really want to be happy.

Well, doing this has led to quite a few days like today where I just feel a little bit overwhelmed and nervous.
Here I am working towards these goals and I can’t really tell if I am making progress and some days it feels like I am going backwards.
So, then I have to take measures to calm myself down, to get myself back to that place of calm I have been in lately.
Some of these things are praying and reading my scriptures, others are just listening to calming music.
But it still happens where my soul will fill with anxiety and I will start to remember all the things I have been trying to fix.

There is no solution and I am not sure how I was planning to end this post, but sometimes I feel it is just important for people to realize that other people get days like this too.
Sometimes we look around and feel like everyone has it together and a lot of times they don’t.
I get anxious and scared about the present and the future all the time.

You can’t see me smile at you, so I had to take a selfie.

IMG_2708

 

Also, here is  a song for encouragement.

 

(You can listen to the song here. Turn Around by The Postal Service)

 

Hey Gurl!

So, this Valentine’s Day I really wanted to give someone this Valentine:

SharkValentine

But I don’t even have a prospect for a Valentine this year.
So, I will just be your e-boyfriend real quick.
My first act as your e-boyfriend was trying to find you the Valentine’s Day episode of SpongeBob, but the only way I could find it was illegal. And I just care about you too much to go down that path.
But here is a picture from the episode that will provide you no comedic relief, but I still care.

SpongebobValentinesday
Here is also the song I would like you to listen to all day while thinking of me, girl.


(Listen to it here. “This is the One” by The Stone Roses)

I would have gone for a full mix, but I still want to seem not fully devoted since our relationship is still young.

And lastly, since we are so far away girl, I am just going to spam you all night on SnapChat letting you know how much I miss you and want you here and pretty much just making it harder that we have decided to go long distance.

Thinking of you

Ifonly

Whereubelong

(There is a video, you can view it here.)

I just dig you so much girl.

 

 

In reality this is what I posted for everyone else today.

Valentines Reality

I also laid in bed eating Mint Oreos and watching UFO documentaries in the sexiest way possible while wearing a Jurassic Park shirt and leggings.
….

But next year I promise:

NickOfferman Kissed

By the way, today marks the 4th year that I have had a blog.
I did start my blog on Valentine’s Day and now 4 years and over 500 posts later, I still have my blog.
So, that’s something.

Happy Valentine’s Day, boo.

 

February 2015

Okay, today is the fourth of February 2015.
Can I just say What the Hell?
Clearly 2015 is going to go a hell of a lot faster than 2014 did. At least for me anyways.

I don’t have much to say lately, mostly because my life consists of working and more working.
But that’s precisely the reason that I want to say something.
You see, I work about 50 hours a week at my main job and then I got a side job to cover some other small things.
So it ends up being 55 to 60 hours a week.
I also decided that I didn’t want to work my full-time extra hours at night or on Saturdays anymore, so I have started getting up early so I can try to be to work at 6 am.
My shift starts at 8, but if I can be there at 6, I will get the two extra hours without having to stay extra some nights.
Although, it doesn’t always workout that way and I do have to stay extra one night a week.
Then after work I have to find those other 5 hours to put into this side job that I need temporarily.
Combine that with being in school after work as well and having to complete all my readings/assignments.
Needless to say, I feel like all I do is work in one form or another.

Now, am I required to work 50 hours a week at my full-time job?
Yes and no.
No, in the fact that my company absolutely does not require this from me. Yes, because my situation financially and in my life does call for this.
Having moved across three states last year (really only 4 months ago), I do still have some residual debt in my life that just won’t quit.
For right now, to make ends meet for the next 10 months or so, I am going to have to run pretty hard unless I magically get offered a salary position.

So, for the next few months I get to work as hard as I can with as little discretionary spending as possible.
This leaves me with very few things that I will be doing outside of work.
This is why I felt the need to post on my blog, even if this post in sort of tired rant about my life situation, but it’s important to have hobbies and things that you do outside of working as hard as you possibly can.
Blogging is one of my hobbies and I have more, but a lot of them require money.

So, this is a post to get myself back in the habit of blogging occasionally. Even if it’s just a few words or a weird photo.
Here we go…