So, last night I was talking to this guy who happens to be interested in psychology as well and get this…he is actually going to use his psychology degree!
Didn’t tell him that I am farce who just studies psychology cause it’s interesting and not because I have any intention of using it as a career.

Anyways, we were talking about how to stay positive and happy with yourself.
I sent him the following video:

I actually read that guy’s book and didn’t even know he did a Ted Talk til recently, but I like the Ted Talk, because he is going to be way more direct in 12 minutes than 200+ pages.
Anyways, a little while back I started to do the suggestions in that video of writing down three things you are grateful for and journaling one positive thing that happened to you, but I only made it a few days.
He suggests 21 and now that I am thinking about it, I want to try that again because I have been kind of down, particularly yesterday, and since my blog is my journal, everyone else gets to join in on this.

  1. I am grateful for my knowledge of God and His plan of happiness.
  2. I am grateful for the Atonement and that I can repent of my sins. There is nothing better than the ability to feel clean again and removed of guilt.
  3. I am grateful that I can pray and feel close to my Heavenly Father

I feel like those are easy ones to be grateful for and probably similar to what anyone (at least who is religious) would say.
But I want to say them first, because they are the most important.

And the one positive thing that I want to write about that happened yesterday was that I feeling sick and had to come home early from work.
I was laying in bed feeling awful and frankly depressed as well. (I find not feeling well seems to be a big player in my mental state)
And I called our golden retriever to come lay with me and he is still a puppy so he is very busy.
Every 30 seconds he would try to find a new position to lay in instead of just laying down next to me.
Anyways, I just ended up laying in bed laughing with him, because he is such a wiggle worm.
It’s not what you would expect to be a positive experience, but he just makes me happy.

Just a reference picture for you.




So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over


I find that most of my posts lately are about my thoughts on Psychology. This is probably because I am in my finally 10 classes and it’s all I read about.
But anyways, on with my psychological thoughts for today:

Being an adult, I have heard a bit about Freud. It started from the first time someone mentioned a Freudian slip, to the times that he has been brought up to where I looked up vague synopsis-es of his theory of psychology.
And every time I looked him up and read about his theories I thought I did not like them.

About a year ago I was thinking about Freud as the “found of Psychology” and thought I should probably actually find out what he was about since I had already decided I really didn’t like him.
I downloaded onto my phone all of his published works. (There were a few.)
I started to read them and got through the first volume, but the old English with scientific vernacular was too much for me, so I gave up before I even got to the good parts, like his theory.

But now that I am in the actual Psychology core classes of college, we are spending quite a bit of time studying Freud’s theory of personality, so I can finally make an educated decision?
Annnnnnd I hate his theory.
In fact, as the founder of psychology, I am pretty sure he has shaped our society in a huge, negative way.
So…not happy with him.

I don’t care as much about his theory of the mind and how it is made up, but what I don’t like is that in Freudian theory there are only two motivating factors in life or reasons why people do things: Sex and Aggression due to the desire to die.

Sex and death…that’s all there is. Everything else is just a manifestation of sex and death.

A very funny scene with Jermaine Clements in Dinner for Schmucks.

What. the. hell.

In the entirety of the human experience and mind, how is it possible that someone could think there is only sex and death? Even in infants, Freud found only sex and death.

I mean, if this is the foundation of psychology, no wonder we now have a society that is completely sex crazed and my generation cannot have a healthy sexual life, because they can’t balance between too much sex and complete abstinence.
But why am I a surprised?
Apparently there were only two options for what people do and the morbidity crazed are more taboo than the sex crazed.

You can’t hear my long sigh when I try to talk about it. The concept to me is just so ridiculous and dumb that I just end up throwing my hands up.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because I see it. I see how this one theorist was the founder of psychology and has shaped a society where sex is everything and those who can have sex with multiple partners are idolized.

It’s just a pity so much was based on his studies, because yes sex is great, but there is more to life than sex. And yes, death happens, but again there is more to life than death.
So, that sucks.
There is nothing more that I can say than it sucks.


Tonight I am sitting here reading some of the textbook for my psychology class and the book is talking about how you can properly calculate happiness when doing a study on it.
They gave a couple of different options, but one study done by The Gallup Polling Organization (look at me giving credit even though this isn’t an essay) just did their study by asking the following question:

Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally stand at this time?

I am curious as to what people’s answer would be.
My first thought was “Maybe I haven’t even reached the ladder yet.”
I think this is an easy answer for me to give, because it’s a cop-out for me to not having to sit and think about where I sit in my life right now.
I think it’s easier, since I don’t know how well I am doing and I feel like I am just trying my best, to think that maybe I haven’t begun to climb the ladder. Maybe I am just gearing up for my big climb at this point.

Obviously I am that polling company’s worst nightmare. Can’t even answer a simple question. Deflection.


So, my favorite movie is called Eagle vs. Shark. And in this movie there is a moment where a man in his 60s says his life is a “complete disaster. The main character responds with:

“Life is full of hard bits, but in between the hard bits there are some really lovely bits.”

So, continuing on with what I did yesterday to help me get through the hard bit I’m having.

  1. I’m grateful for crying. Which may seem odd, but I was writing a story awhile ago where some of the characters couldn’t cry and it felt similar to dry heaving when they tried. I am glad I can cry.
  2. I’m grateful for diet soda. Say what you will about the ingredients, but I am going to die anyways at some point and I would regret not drinking soda.
  3. I’m grateful for hair being so soft. Because it feels cool and good against my face right now. 

As silly as these things may seem, it does make you feel better to sit and brainstorm things you’re grateful for.

For the one positive thing in the last 24 hours, I keep thinking about when a person earlier, unbeknownst to them, pointed out a moment where I could have been nicer and less judgmental. This person didn’t really say anything, but more responded with the kindness I should have when I relayed a situation to them.

It wasn’t until later tonight that I realized my error and felt really bad about it. But the reason it was the thing I couldn’t get out of my mind as my positive moment is that I now have the opportunity to be kind the next time I see this person and to change a little. That’s positive, because it means growth can happen and it’s something I have prayed for. I have prayed on many occasions to be humbled and shown what more I can do. I have prayed many times to be humbled and to be shown what more I can do. 

I’m just trying my best over here and writing this helps. 


I run out of things to put in the title of my blog posts, but the date seems good since it will never be this day again.

Also, I don’t really know what I want to say, but my blog has been on my mind the last couple of days and I feel the need to put up something.

My current state I would consider as “trying”. Last night I wasn’t so happy about things and tonight I am just exhausted. I am also only being texted/messaged by one person, which is a guy bragging to me about the size of his TV….yeah. For 20 minutes now. 

So, I’m just going to write three things I am happy for and one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours. 

This is something that is suggested to do when they teach psychology of happiness to people. Although usually for more than one day, but yeah.

  1. I am grateful for pillows and blankets. Since I am currently laying on couch cushions on the floor and even slept on the floor this week, I am grateful for having these luxuries that make it comfortable even for the floor.
  2. I am grateful for living close to family. I am currently living with my sister and her husband (and soon to be my nephew who is still at the hospital). This is such a blessing, despite the difficulties that may arise, because a year ago I was living in a place where I knew no one longer than a few months. There was no intimacy or closeness of any sort in my life and even just having them near is amazing.
  3. I am grateful for dogs, specifically my sisters dog Aspen. They are pure happiness and love.

(We nap together often)

And the one positive thing that I want to share that happened in the last 24 hours was me finding out that guy had a 120″ tv.

No, it would probably be just getting to come home in not storm weather and getting to spend time with my sister. It was simple and not a unique experience, but we had fun and with how tiring today was, it was good. 

I don’t know how to end this. Go team. 👍🏼


I have been reading a book on the history of Modern Psychology and the most recent chapter is about the anatomy of the human brain.
It started by discussing this painting.

Extracting the Stone of Madness by Hieronymus Bosch, ca. 1690
Extracting the Stone of Madness by Hieronymus Bosch, ca. 1690

The reason I like this picture is that there is so much going on that is completely relatable.
I mean, let’s start off with the hat that looks like the hats you wear to prevent aliens from reading your thoughts.
Or maybe this isn’t a hat so aliens can’t interfere with this process, maybe it’s one of his tools for all the things about to happen with this lobotomy.
Either way, any doctor I have ever been to was never this prepared and now I am curious what medical school they went to.

Second, there is the priest that is clearly trying to backseat drive this lobotomy.
Come on, man!
Look at the surety in the man performing the lobotomy’s face. This obviously isn’t his first rodeo and he does not need some Catholic dude telling him how this goes.

Also, since they have not actually penetrated the guys’ head yet, the look on his face tells me that they probably got him drunk before actually stating this process.
But not the fun kind of drunk, but drunk enough that he hates himself and doesn’t want to move.
That’s obvious from his face.

Finally, we have the nun that is looking on and obviously so bored with this process that she feels she needs to work on her posture while this whole situation is happening.

You want me to watch you drill into another guy’s head? Greaaaaat.
You don’t mind if I put this book here, right?

Good help is so damn hard to find.


So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he came back at me asking:

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he responded with:

“What, why? I thought you came to Utah to be amazing!”


Obviously, since it’s me, I have thought about this a bit before I responded.

I didn’t come to Utah to be amazing. In fact, I didn’t really move anywhere to be amazing. I feel like with each move all I was expecting for things to be different than they were before. 

So, I just showed up one day in all these places and, because of my personality, when I just show up somewhere I act like I’ve always been there. Then I memorize people’s names and act like everyone is my good friend.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t remember ever going to a place or situation expecting to be amazing.    

 Recently a couple of people have asked me to describe myself or, even more challenging, to tell them what makes me different from other people. I was asked also to tell someone one thing they needed to know to understand me.

In almost everyone of these cases my answer was “Nothing.”

Now, don’t mistake anything I’m talking about here as low self esteem or a lack of self confidence. I actually enjoy myself quite a bit. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and I wouldn’t have been as successful in some areas or met a lot of the people I have without my high self assurance.

What I am talking about is not feeling any different than anyone else and not feeling like I am just amazing. 

I am very fun, I am friendly sometimes, sassy sometimes. I am easy to be around. I can be quick, but I don’t think any of those adjectives lead up to amazing. It’s not like a math question where fun+sassy-clumsy=amazing.

I am a little eccentric, but at this point I feel like that is perspective based and once you realize that, who isn’t eccentric? And eccentric isn’t different.

At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing that makes me different from anyone else that I see is my experiences and the choices that I make, which all leads back to my perspective on life. That is the only thing that can truly distinguish me from another person, because no one else has exactly gone through the experiences that I have, which is what then shapes my decisions and my perspective.

All I’m saying is that when I look around, I don’t feel any different than anyone else besides those three factors. And though I really enjoy myself, I do not feel “amazing”. 

But all of this is not something that I can explain to someone who simply asks me what makes me different. Discovering that takes effort and time and I feel like someone wanting to simply ask that is expecting a simple answer.

Oh Well. 

(There is a song, you can listen to it here. Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson)


Today I was thinking about something that I come in contact with often who is very intense. They are a very rough and almost difficult person to work with. I honestly think that they hate me in someways, but like me in a lot of other ways.
(I’m a very difficult person to not like. You really have to try.)
To be fully honest, this person intimidates me a lot. They can just be downright scary to me and not necessarily because I feel lower than them, but a lot of it comes from their approach being so different than mine.
Anyways, one thing that I end up thinking about a lot when it comes to dealing with other people is what their lives are like outside of the brief moments I happen to see them.
It helps me to re-frame my interactions with them when the situations get difficult and it also helps me to think of the reasoning behind their actions.

Well, as I thought about this person that I am intimidated by, a question for that person came to my mind:

What makes you cry? What fills your soul with sorrow?

Now, obviously I would never ask this person that question, but it still stuck in my mind and I even started picturing a few people that I have been thinking about lately crying.

I think the question came to my mind, because crying is a very humanizing action. It’s like hunger or fatigue, but more personal.
It is something that everyone, no matter how manly or what they say, have done at least once in their lives. It’s how doctors check to make sure that we are alive when we are first born.
But the more I pondered this thought and applied it to multiple people I have been thinking about, I realized that it was not just crying. I was thinking about these people (and even picturing them like an unseen observer in my head) filled with sorrow.
Not just any sorrow, but the kind that fills your stomach and can almost be felt in every inch of your body.

But there is a little more to this thought that kept creeping back to me. They say you can tell a lot about a person by what makes them happy, but I am almost inclined to believe that you can tell a lot more about a person by what makes them filled with sorrow.
The more I think about it, happiness can be personal, but sorrow is almost always personal.
Anytime a person or moment can bring us to tears or break us down, it is always personal and often times more lasting than happiness.

As I apply these thoughts to more people I come in contact with, I just have this aching desire to know what would bring them to that point.
And not maliciously, like I want them to feel that way, but for understanding.
If I understand what breaks your heart, later I can understand what wears you until eventually I can know what your plight as a human being is.
And that’s all I want, is to know and empathize and be connected.

But I am not even sure what the answer to what causes me sorrow is. I imagine it has something to do with loneliness and rejection, but it’s hard to tell when you are nowhere near feeling it.

It is still something to think about though.
What makes you cry? What causes you sorrow?

Why do cockroaches die on their backs?

Yesterday I was sitting in my office, which is half warehouse/half office and a huge black cockroach started to run across the floor. It is in these moments that I remember most I am a female because I started to scream and reached for my handy Raid bottle.

He ran around in circles a couple of times and then he just flipped over on his back. Like he noticed he wasn’t going to make it or something. It was as if he just wanted to lay there and die.
My mother used to always tell me that Raid was cruel. That the bugs I sprayed it on were just in agony until they died, whereas stepping on them was such a quick death. More humane I suppose.

Someone jumped off the interstate bridge today. It was a man, I didn’t know him. I don’t know  how old he was or if he had a job or a family. I didn’t even see him really. I just saw that traffic was backed up and there were some police cars. I didn’t find out til later what happened.

He jumped. And not at first. The police were on scene when he jumped. My co-worker said that he probably was always planning to jump, but just waited for the police to get there.
But what if he wasn’t planning to? What if he was just standing up there to get some clarity? What if he was still debating jumping when he climbed up there, but then the police showed up and he felt an obligation to jump? Maybe he was afraid he would get in trouble if he hadn’t.

They always talk about committing suicide as if it is really horrible, which I suppose it is. Everyone deserves a chance at life. But if someone really is that unhappy and want to be gone that bad, should we deny them that? He chose that. He thought about it and chose. What if for that man staying alive was like having Raid sprayed on him. A slow, agonizing death.

I have had moments where all I could see is the bleakness of this world. I think we all have. A moment where you are looking inside Pandora’s box and forget that there is anything else than what you see in it.
When I remember those moments, I can’t imagine living all the time with that mindset. Constantly only able to see the horrors. A living nightmare.

I suppose I am just trying to make myself feel better. I always wish when I hear about these things that I could have done something. Even though I probably couldn’t have. I just wish I could have met him, reached out to him. Loved him.
I guess in the end I would have just felt worse when he jumped if I had.

I don’t know how to end this one.