So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over


I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

(There is a video that you can watch here.)

It was a nice thing to wake up to.
I have been reading the 4 Gospels in the Bible and will read 3rd Nephi afterwards just to get in the Christmas spirit.
I was hoping that reading the words of Christ would help me to better have him in my heart this Christmas season and also help me to remember the things that he did for me.
I wasn’t sure if it was working outside of thinking about him when I am actually reading my scriptures at night, but waking up with this song in my head makes me feel a bit better about my efforts.

I know I am not always thinking about Christ and God as much as I should, but I try my best to keep them in my heart and hope they know of my love for them.

For those who read my blog that are not religious, I am serious about all of this and I do have a deep love for my religion and for God.


So, I definitely want to do more of those videos, because the ongoing search for hobbies is still very real and it killed about 20 minutes that night. Plus, it’s a way to keep my blog updated that is only slightly easier than writing a post. I do intend to continue to do both.

Anyways, today I wrote these thoughts in my spiritual journal (which I normally don’t record full entries in,  more just short thoughts or quotes heard in church) and I thought I should write it out on here, because this is the closest thing I have to an actual journal.

I was listening in church (the LDS church) to the talks that were being given today and a lady was talking about her conversion to our church and how she had wondered about who she was and where she came from and that finally she felt she knew those answers. She said finding out about the Gospel felt more like remembering than learning something new.

I realized then how lucky I have been that I have never wondered about those questions that people often worry about. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going after I die?

See, I was born and raised in the Gospel and so I had been taught those things since I was a little child. And even at the times where I thought I didn’t believe in the teachings of my church anymore, I never wondered about those questions, because I feel deep down I always still knew the answers to who I was and where I was going. 

I wrote in my spiritual journal today:

I’ve wandered, but I’ve never wondered.

And I feel that is pretty true. I know what my purpose is through the Gospel. To serve others and to serve God. And I know where I am going and why I was put here.

So, today I felt very grateful that I had never had to go through the trial of wondering those major questions. That makes me lucky, which is a pretty cool realization to have randomly. It makes me feel very loved.

Anyways, you can’t see me smiling right now.


I have mentioned on here a couple of times that I take part in the very “fun” practice of online dating.
Or app dating, which I feel is in the same category.
Which many may roll their eyes at, but it is really not as bad as online dating used to be and almost is necessary nowadays.
But I will save the for another post.

One thing I made sure to do when I am on these sites is put on my profile that I am LDS.
I do this, because being religious (outside of Utah at least) is not such a common thing anymore.
By putting it on my profile, I am hoping that I am letting people know about a huge part of my life upfront and saving some time with certain questions that might be asked.
A big one is the hooking up question or grabbing a drink.
It doesn’t save this time though.
In fact, to date, one of my favorite first messages I have gotten on one of those sites was:

“What does ‘LDS’ mean? Likes dirty sex?”

Super close.

Anyways, this past week I got a message from a man who in the first couple of messages let me know that he used to be LDS until he had an “awakening” and realized that all religions are wrong and to just do the best with the time that he had here.
My response was just “Oh, well that’s nice.”
Cause really, what was he expecting me to say to that?

“What?! You’re so right! I’m going to change my entire life right now!”

That was said with sarcasm, in case you cannot tell.
But not meant to sound rude, just to illustrate that there was really nothing else I could say in that moment.

He then said “If you found out today that I was right, would you keep living your life the way you are now?”
Continuing with my simplistic approach, I just responded with “Yes.”
He then said:

“Really? You wouldn’t try all of the things you haven’t been doing because they are ‘bad’ or ‘sinful’?”

Okay, it’s in moments like these where I get this huge smile on my face.
Because when these moments happen, and not just with religion, where someone is trying to apply a stereotype or social stigma to me and I can’t help but smile and think in my head “Oh, you’ve got the wrong person.”

I responded back letting him know that I had left my church for a while and did a lot of those things that, in his words, were ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’ and that they did not make me happy. That my church was what made me happy and even if I found out that it wasn’t true, I would still do the concepts in the church because it’s how I am happiest.
I ended by saying that I would want him to continue to do the things that make him happy.

…he blocked me after that.
Which is why I couldn’t take screenshots of this conversation for this post.
But keep in mind that this conversation happened over the course of 10 minutes and was only about 6 messages back and forth.

Now, maybe I am sounding like a jerk here in this post in how I responded to him, but I used to try to do something similar when I was not in my church.
I cannot say how he was feeling, but when I left I felt like I had been repressed and that everyone who is in that religion is ignorant and repressed and secretly wanting to do all the things that they “aren’t supposed” to do.
So, I would try to get them to admit it, because for me when I used to do that (I cannot speak for this man) it was a way for me to justify myself and what I was doing.
It was that small moment of condescension and “HA!” of proving that they were wrong and I was right.

I would be lying if I said that living a religion isn’t hard. It’s not popular right now and it is definitely not cool.
And there are a lot of people who do feel repressed in religious settings. I know a lot of people who wish they were out partying or doing some of the things that they would do without our religion.
I know a lot of people that follow my church just because that’s what they’ve always done and that’s what their parents did, so stick with what you know, right?

But that’s not everyone and that’s definitely not me.
I go to church every 3 hours every week, because I choose to. When I am faced with a situation that is, again in his words, ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’, I actively choose to not be a part of it.
Well, I would be lying if I said it was easier or that if I said I have no desire to partake in some of those things.
But I choose to, because I know that I will be happier in the long run when I do follow the concepts in my religion.

I feel like I am probably rambling at this point and that relating this story is not as impactful as it was for me when it happened.
So, I will just finish by saying that I am a huge believer that people should conscious choose what they believe. Whether it is religion or lack of.
That in order to truly devote yourself to any belief, as you should or is often required when choosing a belief, that you should do so actively.
If someone is having doubts or feeling repressed, they need to work through those feelings until they can find what makes them happy.
That is something that I have done in my life and has made all the difference. It has made it to where when I am faced with a situation like I had with this man, I can easily tell them that I know that my church is true and that even if it wasn’t, I still would be doing the same things I am doing today.
And that either way, I am doing so with every bit of awareness of what my options are.


You know, in the past week approaching Easter people kept asking me what my plans were and were shocked to find out that I had none. Many people asked me why I was not going to home to spend Easter with my family, but Easter was never a huge “holiday” in our household.
We would do an Easter egg hunt, but it was never something very big or memorable as a holiday in what you would normally consider to be a holiday nowadays.

Now, this does not mean that I am not struck with awe over the reason that we celebrate Easter.
The Atonement and Resurrection are two of my favorite subjects, because I have felt my sins being forgiven and I know that I can live again through Christ.
But this Easter I felt a little ashamed that I was not completely wrapped up in the spirit of what my Savior has done for me.
I think that travelling so much for work has left me exhausted and not focusing on the things that I should be as much. (Also, you will notice that it has left me not posting on my blog)

As I listened to the testimonies this Easter and even read the story of Christ rising in the Bible this afternoon, I realized that I was going to need to work harder at keeping the spirit with me as I travel and to let it still be a part of my focus when I am going about my work.

I am always excited about the Resurrection of Christ though, just need to carry that excitement with me always.

Sunday Thoughts: Mental Illness and the Atonement

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson on the Atonement, which is always my favorite.
And the teacher of the lesson wanted to make two specific points in her lesson, the first being that the atonement was personal and the second how it effects those who struggle with mental illnesses. She was talking about Elder Holland’s talk Like a Broken Vessel, which everyone should read.
Both of these subjects are very close to my heart and so obviously I had somethings that I wanted to contribute.
But though I kept raising my hand, she was not seeing me or calling on me. I am an imperfect person and so I was getting really annoyed.
And I hate that! I hate when I get annoyed or angry at church, because that is the opposite of what I am there for.
So I had to take a few seconds to text my sister so I could calm down. I am not suggesting that you should text in church, but in this particular case texting my sister about the situation did help me calm down.

Well, eventually she did call on me, but as I started talking I started crying. And a deep crying where it makes what you are saying not sound like words.
I would like to mention that this is not something that happens to me often, even when I am bearing my testimony.
So, I had to stop talking, because no one came to church to hear my blubbering.
But afterwards when I told my sister that I eventually did get to share, but I started crying (which she was surprised about as well), she asked me if I was able to share what I was wanting to share before I had to stop.
And the truth is I wasn’t able to.
I want to now and I will probably say more than I wanted to earlier since I have an open platform.

Mental illness and the atonement is a subject dear to my heart because I have severe depression.
I have had it since I was 14 years old and it has been a part of my daily life for the past 10 years.
This isn’t something that I normally tell people and even worry about telling people, because I have had people treat me differently when they found out. I have also had people treat me as if I was just being dramatic or that I just needed to stop focusing on myself so much when I told them I have depression.

Our society has gotten so much better about mental illness and there is so much more knowledge about it and the effects of it.
But there is also a lot of ignorance still from the population as a whole. And where there is not ignorance, there it is sometimes trivialized.
Depression is a difficult disorder to talk about because it can happen physically, but it can also be an occurrence in someone’s life due to circumstances.
Someone like me who has chronic depression, it is actual due to my body not producing enough serotonin. Meaning that I can control it as much as I can control not having good eyesight.
It also means that I can brush it off or square my shoulders and be positive as I can brush off the fact that I can’t see far away. Especially while driving.
Someone who is depressed due to their circumstances does have their serotonin levels drop, but chronic depression is actually where it is not producing or being receipted properly in the brain on a continual basis.
And a lot of times that means that I don’t even know why I am depressed. There is no reason. It just is.

I do take medication for this. I know how many people have negative feelings about people taking medication.
But continuing with my eyesight connection, it’s the same as how my glasses take my eyesight to what a regular person’s would be.
My medication doesn’t suddenly make me the happiest person in the world. (Though I am a pretty happy person) And it doesn’t make me feel like a different person than I was before.
It honestly just supplements that serotonin to where I have the same amount as the next person.
And just like the times when I somehow make it all the way out to my car in the morning without glasses and I have to think of what’s wrong, the same thing happens when I don’t take my medication. Although, unfortunately I cannot tell something is wrong until the next day when I have forgotten to take my medication.
But I can physically feel something being off when it is not there.

Why am I spending so much time explaining this?
Because the difficult thing about mental illnesses for most people is the fact that you can’t see there is something wrong.
Unlike when someone breaks their arm or unfortunately has cancer, there are physical signs that manifest that there is a problem happening internally.
But that doesn’t happen with mental illness.
In fact, I have never had someone come up to me and say “Corrie, you’re looking like you have a chemical imbalance upstairs. Are you feeling okay?”
Because there is no physical manifestation, it’s easy to forget that it’s out of someone’s control a lot of the time. And even I have been guilty of being insensitive because of that.
So, I do like to explain the physical side to it, because it illustrates just how real it is to someone who may not understand mental illness.
It’s not just all in our head, pun totally intended.

This brings me back to the Atonement.
Christ had to experience all things to get the full spectrum of the human experience. He literally had to endure everything so that it could be a complete Atonement and he could be a true Savior for his people.

“And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12)

When we talk about him being our Savior and Redeemer, most of us think about him saving us from our sins. We think about him satisfying the demands of justice so that we can return and live with Heavenly Father.
He did do that and that was a major part of the Atonement, but there was also him saving us from the world.
What I mean by that is he descended below all things so that when we are in this mortal experience and lost in our afflictions, whether they are sins, physical, emotional, or mental, he is able to console us and save us from the world.

When I was younger, my mother every year for the first couple of years had to take my sister and I to get shots. Since we were so close in age it only made sense for us to get the shots together.
My older sister, who is coincidentally my best friend, has a very high tolerance for pain and no fear of doctors. I remember multiple times where she would get her shots and be totally un-phased.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, I have a low tolerance for pain and when I would get my shot, I would bawl my eyes out.
And every year, my sister who was fine and enjoying a lollipop after would start crying hysterically when she saw me in pain and crying. She was fine and happy, but my pain was unbearable to her and suddenly my mother had two crying children instead of one.

Christ is our Savior, but he is also our older Brother. And just like my sister would have taken the shots for me to prevent my pain, Christ went through the same afflictions as all of us so that he could not only understand our pain, but he could remove our pain as well.
Now, just as it was necessary for me to get my own shots, it is necessary for each of us pass through trials that were personally chosen as something that we can bear.
But Christ also personally bore that trial for each of us.

In Tad R. Callister’s book The Infinite Atonement, he talks about how many believe that each of our individual names went through the Savior’s mind as we atoned for our sufferings. That our perfect older Brother thought of each of us as he bore our sorrows.
Now, this is something that my mortal mind cannot logically grasp, but I also logically cannot see it happening any other way.

The Atonement was the ultimate act of love from a Father and older Brother and it had to cover mental illness just as it needed to cover every other human plight.
Because when I, on some of my darkest days, have wished that I could merge into the walls so that no one would ever have to look at me or think of me again, my older Brother and Redeemer had to know how to show me love through experience with that exact same thought.
And I know for a fact that he did, because I have felt the effects of it.

And that is what I wish I could have conveyed earlier in not so many words.

Scratch my Back.

Yesterday I was walking into church and one of my coworkers who travels a lot was standing in the lobby. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I asked him to sit with me. (After I said not to talk to me…)
He normally doesn’t, but he said okay. So, we went and sat together, distracting each other since we are both rather silly.
Well, after the sacrament, the people he normally sits with came in and sat with us.
A skinny blonde and a copy of her who was a brunette. They looked like Forever 21 models.
Then two more came and sat in front of us with another man.
As we were all sitting there, the blonde next to my friend started to scratch his back as he leaned forward and then the same thing happened with the brunette and the man sitting in front of us.
It was like they were in sync, which was really odd for me and rather distracting.
Funnily enough, my co-worker was turned towards me and making jokes to me while she was scratching his back.

Now, why does this matter?
I don’t know. I was just having a mix of feelings while I was being surrounded by attractive people scratching each other’s backs.
First off, I thought about how I wanted to scratch someone’s back in church. That is rather cut and slightly intimate while you are sitting together.
But I recognize that it’s not my time to be scratching other people’s backs.
What can you do?

But also another thing that I was thinking about as this was happening is how I always wondered how girls like that got to sit with attractive men like him.
I mean, anytime you see attractive guys like him at church they are always in groups with two or three girls and they all sit together, but they are just friends.
How do guys have so many “just friends” Forever 21 girls? That scratch their backs and crap.
Then they wonder why they never meet anyone new at church.

So, here is the weird part (and why I am bringing it up) there have been so many times when I have seen a cute guy at church and wanted to talk to him, but then I saw his friends and realized he would probably not be interested in me.
Because as I was sitting around these girls, they all look the same to me and I am not looking like they are.
I am looking a little bit quirky over here with my bright green pencil skirt and big Ray Bans.
But I was okay with that today.
As I sat there I wasn’t feeling what I normally do anymore where I have that slight ping in my stomach that makes me wish that I could look like that or that men would pay that much attention to me.
In fact, I was sort of glad that I was the oddball in this scratching fest.  Which is kind of a break through for me.
There haven’t been many times in my life where I didn’t look at a super skinny girl and think “Man, I wish I could look like that.”
There were so many times that I wished that I could be one of those girls so I could scratch a guy’s back too. (Sounds weird, but okay.)

Anyways, I felt like this was substantial yesterday.
For me to realize that all the body positive and be yourself influences I have been surrounding myself with has in fact made an impact on me, but also that I could look at those girls scratching guy’s backs and think “It’s not my time for that.”
That’s a huge deal too.

I realize this all may have been disjointed and not a fluid post, but I feel good about it.


Will I be pretty?

This week I read this article (don’t ask me the link, because I don’t know where it is. Saw it on Facebook) and the title of the article was “The End of Pretty”.
I want to be pretty, so naturally I clicked on it.
Because I am not dying soon, so if pretty is ending, I will have to strive to look fine?
Come on now.

This article was actually one that made me think a lot. The writer was a man, which is nice as often times articles about beauty are written by women, and he was just talking about how girls no longer strive to be pretty. They strive to be hot and sexy.
He explained that being pretty is more about beauty and innocence and it inspires in a man to want to take care of a woman. Protect her.
Whereas being hot and sexy is something that is consumable and has more to do with physical attraction.
He brought up the example of Grease and how pretty/beautiful Sandy was in the beginning of the movie and how she gave that away to become hot so everyone would like her.
He talked about how forward women are now and how they wear less clothing even younger. How they strive to be sexy consistently and appeal to men sexually now, even in movies.
And how men look for this more in women now too.

Oh. My. Goodness.
I realized he was right.
There is not much innocence in the world anymore and women do strive to be sexy all the time.
I have often had a few moments where I felt down on myself for not being a sexy person. I’m not really sure how to be sexy.
I could always lick my lips?
Ehhhhh. I would rather be pretty.

The way that this man talked about how men feel about pretty women was so delicate and sweet.
That when a girl is pretty, they need to take care of them and protect them.
I just think of a man wanting to hold that pretty, innocent girl.
And I want to be that girl and have that sort of sweet, loving action done to me.
It made me think of this song:

(You can listen to it here if you are reading this in an email.)

Just romantic and beautiful.

Well, the other day I was talking to this man who didn’t know me very well and he came out and said “You’re just a good church girl.”
At first I was a little taken aback.
Clearly this guy doesn’t know me very well to so easily compartmentalized me like that.
Now, I go to church and it is the center of my life. I read my scriptures every night, attend the temple twice a week and I am a female, so technically the stereotype does apply to me. I see where you are coming from, man.
However, the way he said it was more in a derogatory sense than the times I have brought up that I am good church girl.
Like that made me naive and….lame.


Obviously this guy is not the one for me.
I don’t say that I do the spiritual things I do to be pretty, but at the same time it does lend to this new definition of pretty that I have received.
Being a righteous daughter of God does bring that sort of good feeling the writer of the article described.
And I can see where it’s not appreciated any longer by someone like the man I was talking to.
But I think that being pretty would be very romantic and I want someone to recognize those parts of me more than to want to have sex with me.

I may be butchering what I am trying to say, but mostly when I think of myself as being pretty now, I think of my testimony and how I feel when I share it.
I think about attending the temple with my future companion and reading the scriptures together.
I think of how smart I am and how I would try to be sweet to a man.
I think of telling him how handsome he is and whispering sweet nothings to him.
I want to be that kind of pretty. Innocent romance pretty.

That kind of pretty


It’s amazing how as you lay in bed at night or as you go throughout your day, little things that you are so sure of at one moment can suddenly be your biggest fear.
I have been having one of those days where your mind, or Satan, turns yourself against you.
As I have gone through my day today, all these things that I have been striving towards or excited for have suddenly filled me with fear or doubt in myself.
It ended up being a more emotional day than I was wanting it to be. I was just wanting to go to bed all day to rest from my mind constantly working and having doubts created.
But even as I lay here in bed, more keep creeping into my brain. Something about today has my mental self shying away from even the simplest things I have always wanted.
What’s up with that?

Now, I mentioned Satan earlier and I know for non-religious people that’s a very extreme thing to get.
Is Corrie implying that Satan is the cause of her insecurities? Also, how many anti-psychotics should we put her on?
Let me explain, I have always been raised that when you start to feel discouraged most it is most often when you are doing the right thing in your life. It is when you are going to really make a positive difference that it seems that forces start to work against you.
Now, whatever you may feel those forces are. Odds, fate, the universe. That weird chick you work with who never seemed to like you.
For me it is Satan that works against me. This is the force that wants me to fail no matter what. And when I am on the right track is when he puts the most doubt in my mind. Makes everything good seem like it’s scary.
Makes me want to stop. Brings every horrible situation that could happen into my mind.

But that’s a difficult one, since I can’t stop. I will get up tomorrow and try my best despite my fears and my doubts and all his efforts.
I will get up tomorrow, because that’s how this story goes.
And if I fail, I will have to take it. If I succeed, a new trial will come, but I will have the happiness of this success.
And that is what I will dream about tonight.

One of my favorite quotes that anyone could have said:

You can’t lose them all.