04/21/2017

So, last night I was talking to this guy who happens to be interested in psychology as well and get this…he is actually going to use his psychology degree!
Crazy.
Didn’t tell him that I am farce who just studies psychology cause it’s interesting and not because I have any intention of using it as a career.

Anyways, we were talking about how to stay positive and happy with yourself.
I sent him the following video:

I actually read that guy’s book and didn’t even know he did a Ted Talk til recently, but I like the Ted Talk, because he is going to be way more direct in 12 minutes than 200+ pages.
Anyways, a little while back I started to do the suggestions in that video of writing down three things you are grateful for and journaling one positive thing that happened to you, but I only made it a few days.
He suggests 21 and now that I am thinking about it, I want to try that again because I have been kind of down, particularly yesterday, and since my blog is my journal, everyone else gets to join in on this.

  1. I am grateful for my knowledge of God and His plan of happiness.
  2. I am grateful for the Atonement and that I can repent of my sins. There is nothing better than the ability to feel clean again and removed of guilt.
  3. I am grateful that I can pray and feel close to my Heavenly Father

I feel like those are easy ones to be grateful for and probably similar to what anyone (at least who is religious) would say.
But I want to say them first, because they are the most important.

And the one positive thing that I want to write about that happened yesterday was that I feeling sick and had to come home early from work.
I was laying in bed feeling awful and frankly depressed as well. (I find not feeling well seems to be a big player in my mental state)
And I called our golden retriever to come lay with me and he is still a puppy so he is very busy.
Every 30 seconds he would try to find a new position to lay in instead of just laying down next to me.
Anyways, I just ended up laying in bed laughing with him, because he is such a wiggle worm.
It’s not what you would expect to be a positive experience, but he just makes me happy.

Just a reference picture for you.

 

04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

1/10/2017

I run out of things to put in the title of my blog posts, but the date seems good since it will never be this day again.

Also, I don’t really know what I want to say, but my blog has been on my mind the last couple of days and I feel the need to put up something.

My current state I would consider as “trying”. Last night I wasn’t so happy about things and tonight I am just exhausted. I am also only being texted/messaged by one person, which is a guy bragging to me about the size of his TV….yeah. For 20 minutes now. 

So, I’m just going to write three things I am happy for and one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours. 

This is something that is suggested to do when they teach psychology of happiness to people. Although usually for more than one day, but yeah.

  1. I am grateful for pillows and blankets. Since I am currently laying on couch cushions on the floor and even slept on the floor this week, I am grateful for having these luxuries that make it comfortable even for the floor.
  2. I am grateful for living close to family. I am currently living with my sister and her husband (and soon to be my nephew who is still at the hospital). This is such a blessing, despite the difficulties that may arise, because a year ago I was living in a place where I knew no one longer than a few months. There was no intimacy or closeness of any sort in my life and even just having them near is amazing.
  3. I am grateful for dogs, specifically my sisters dog Aspen. They are pure happiness and love.


(We nap together often)

And the one positive thing that I want to share that happened in the last 24 hours was me finding out that guy had a 120″ tv.

No, it would probably be just getting to come home in not storm weather and getting to spend time with my sister. It was simple and not a unique experience, but we had fun and with how tiring today was, it was good. 

I don’t know how to end this. Go team. 👍🏼

12/22/2016

So, a few days ago I spent all day coming back to my blog’s posts area trying to think of something to write about on here.
I have been really wanting to post, because I feel like most of my posts lately have been about religion. Which is fine, obviously it’s a big part of my life.
But it’s not the only thing that I think about.

After thinking that, I then had to sit and ask myself what do I think about when I am just going about my daily life.
And the first day that I thought about this, I realized that I don’t really think about anything important most of the time.
For awhile I was really into thinking about politics most of the day, but I got tired of that since it is always upsetting.

The next couple of days that I sat and thought about the things that I am thinking about while going about my day, I realized that I don’t really think about many important things.
Like I will think about my make up and think about different things that would be fun to do occasionally, but for the most part I think about things that are happening to other people and my budget or trying to get out of debt.
And obviously for the last few days I have been thinking about what things I sit and think about.
Riveting.

I have realized that the reason I am not thinking about anything or dreaming about things that could happen lately is that when I do sit and think about the things that normally would excite me, I don’t really have any goals or things happening soon that would.
So, thinking about it just makes me feel sad.
And that is the current state of affairs. It is me almost treading water til I can figure out what I am going to do with this situation I am in.
Also, before you even think about it, the situation I am in is the one I am supposed to be in. The first reaction anyone has is “You should change your situation.”
You can’t always just change the situation, sometimes it is more about what you do in your situation.

Anyways, I feel bad that I haven’t been as active on my blog.
There isn’t much to say. The current state of affairs is my mind is pretty blank and then I just fill it with temporary things until I can figure out the place in my situation.

Go team.

12/12/2016

I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

(There is a video that you can watch here.)

It was a nice thing to wake up to.
I have been reading the 4 Gospels in the Bible and will read 3rd Nephi afterwards just to get in the Christmas spirit.
I was hoping that reading the words of Christ would help me to better have him in my heart this Christmas season and also help me to remember the things that he did for me.
I wasn’t sure if it was working outside of thinking about him when I am actually reading my scriptures at night, but waking up with this song in my head makes me feel a bit better about my efforts.

I know I am not always thinking about Christ and God as much as I should, but I try my best to keep them in my heart and hope they know of my love for them.

For those who read my blog that are not religious, I am serious about all of this and I do have a deep love for my religion and for God.

11/20/2016

So, I definitely want to do more of those videos, because the ongoing search for hobbies is still very real and it killed about 20 minutes that night. Plus, it’s a way to keep my blog updated that is only slightly easier than writing a post. I do intend to continue to do both.

Anyways, today I wrote these thoughts in my spiritual journal (which I normally don’t record full entries in,  more just short thoughts or quotes heard in church) and I thought I should write it out on here, because this is the closest thing I have to an actual journal.

I was listening in church (the LDS church) to the talks that were being given today and a lady was talking about her conversion to our church and how she had wondered about who she was and where she came from and that finally she felt she knew those answers. She said finding out about the Gospel felt more like remembering than learning something new.

I realized then how lucky I have been that I have never wondered about those questions that people often worry about. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going after I die?

See, I was born and raised in the Gospel and so I had been taught those things since I was a little child. And even at the times where I thought I didn’t believe in the teachings of my church anymore, I never wondered about those questions, because I feel deep down I always still knew the answers to who I was and where I was going. 

I wrote in my spiritual journal today:

I’ve wandered, but I’ve never wondered.

And I feel that is pretty true. I know what my purpose is through the Gospel. To serve others and to serve God. And I know where I am going and why I was put here.

So, today I felt very grateful that I had never had to go through the trial of wondering those major questions. That makes me lucky, which is a pretty cool realization to have randomly. It makes me feel very loved.

Anyways, you can’t see me smiling right now.

If this week/year didn’t go how you wanted…

I have a suggestion at this point after seeing so much of what is being said on Social Media and by the people around me:If you’re feeling hurt, scared, slighted, worried, angry, or even targeted, I think protesting is the best thing you can do.

Not lost in a mob of people with signs walking down the street, but in your room, on your knees to your Father in Heaven.

Protest to him about how hurt you are, about your fears, about how you didn’t ask for this or it was all unfair. Tell him exactly what you think about what is happening and how it happened and what you want changed. Yell it at him even. He will listen.

And if you don’t get an answer, go back and protest again. Be louder. More passionate and protest to your Heavenly Father until something changes, because you have been promised something will change. You have been promised that he will give you peace and carry your burdens if you give/protest them to him and not one tear shed will be in vain. 
“Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”

D&C 82:23

My heart hurts.

So, this morning I was in the process of writing a different blog post when I had an interesting and actually very disheartening conversation.

This morning I reached out via Facebook to an acquaintance of mine who is going through a divorce, which is something we have talked about before, just to see how he was doing.
I just wanted to reach out and lend support to let him know that I was thinking of him and people are there for him.
He started to tell me how things were difficult because some of his friends had sided with her and then he noticed that some of her friends had sided with him.
He said he was not sure who to trust at this point.

I think those are all fair thoughts.
But then he told me the reason his friends sided with her was she was white and he was African-American.
This is where things got…sad for me.
I simply said (Quote):

“I don’t know if it’s about race…people unfortunately feel they have to take sides in a divorce. Either way, I’m very sorry.”

He then went on to tell me that I couldn’t understand because I was white and it wasn’t anything personal against me, but I just wouldn’t understand.

…This was a huge blow.
My heart just dropped in my chest when I read it.

This has stuck in my head all day and I was worried writing about it on here, because no matter what I say, by society’s standards I am in the wrong and have no right to be sad about what happened at all.
But I am.

See after he said that to me, I just simply told him he had made me uncomfortable and it sounded like I wasn’t the right person to talk to.
He told me I couldn’t understand what he was going through.

What made me so sad about this situation was that it didn’t have to be about race.
Perspective is everything and I understand that.
However, that conversation we were having wasn’t about that and now instead of me being a friend to him and able to talk to him, I feel alienated and sad about the state of affairs between us.

I hear about this divide every single day and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Especially having someone directly throw it at me in a situation that does not seem related.
I don’t see him as just a African-American, just as I would hope he wouldn’t see me as just White.
But everyone is so concerned about a divide being created between people due to unimportant differences that people are creating that divide.
At least in this instance and many that I see.

I am not saying that racism isn’t real or that these things don’t exist.
What I am saying is that it doesn’t have to be everywhere. It doesn’t have to be here.
This man and I could have been friends. I never thought about him as just a, in his words, “person of color”. Nor did I ever think that had anything to do with his current struggles.
But now I do feel he only sees me as a white person, which hurts because stereotypes hurt.

My sister has a friend at work who brings it up frequently that he is an African-American and she is not.
I know how often he brings it up, because she texts me when it happens feeling the same sadness I felt in my conversation.

I saw this video awhile back (it’s obviously old):

“How are we going to get rid of racism?”
“Stop talking about it! I’m going to stop calling you a ‘white man’ and I’m gonna ask you to stop calling me a ‘black man'”

This is truly how I feel.
I also wholeheartedly agree with another quote from Morgan Freeman about racism:

“If you talk about it, it exists.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s stop talking about it in these instances. Let’s stop bringing it up in unrelated personal conversations. Or in our workspace just because someone is of a different race than us.

If you have followed my blog, you know I am very devote religious. (LDS to be specific)
And when someone goes to a LDS temple it is required that we all wear white and very similar outfits.
It’s done this way to signify that “God is not a respecter of persons”.
Wealth, race, career…none of this matters to God. We are all on the same level.
He sees us all the same and as his children and we don’t have to talk about those things that can divide us (if we let them) there, because we are all the same.
That is how I try to see people and how I feel.
I’m absolutely, 100% no better than anyone else and when a situation gets brought up where someone feels that I think I am for whatever reason, it hurts.

This is a controversial post and I get that.
I really went back and forth on whether to write it, but then my friend told me that I should because blogging/journal-ling is a “good way to keep a record”.
That is why I wrote this post, because I would want my children to know how I felt about this.
That I never saw anyone differently and when I hear of those filters being placed in any instance, it hurts me.
But I also want anyone who reads this to know that I did not write this lightly.
In fact, I already know I will have to disable the comments and walk away from computers for a minute after pressing “Post” because I am nervous.
But nervousness should never be a reason to stop yourself from speaking what you feel and believe.

So, here we go.

09/05/2016 – 63 Years!

So, today marks the 63rd wedding anniversary of Rue (my grandfather I live with) to his wife.
Anytime I bring up my grandmother, people are always shocked to hear that she is still alive since I don’t talk about her as much and since Rue and I live alone together.
She is actually in a home since she has Alzheimer’s for the past 15 years.
She is in the final mental stages where she cannot really talk outside of saying “Hello” occasionally and she cannot take care of herself.
Because of this, we have her in a home and Rue uses his motorized wheelchair twice a day to go each lunch and dinner with her.

He had me pick up some flowers for her, which I arranged into a bouquet, and then I made cake bites, because a full cake would be hard for her to eat.
Then today when we were going at lunch, which he celebrated the anniversary at lunch time with her because he didn’t want to mess up her nightly bedtime ritual, he left early so he could make sure that the women at the home put her make up on that day.

“She would have been wanting to wear her make up.”

Okay, Rue isn’t the greatest man in the world. In fact, homeboy is a pretty mean old cuss.
However, living with Rue I have heard him talk about how much her loves her so many times.
The other night he mentioned to me how upset he was that he could only use one arm and was wheelchair bound? Why specifically did he bring it up?
He said he couldn’t hold his wife, he could only rub her back and pet her hair and that was rough for him.

63 years and he is just as devoted to her as he has always been.
His whole day revolves around her still.
It’s not the Notebook, but it sure as hell is some sort of romantic.

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