9/7/2017

I’ve been thinking a lot lately like I typically do. Someone asked me recently what my favorite thing to do is and I responded with thinking.
Because it is the thing I do the most and I do think about various different subjects.

But one thing I was thinking of when I was on a long drive today for my work was just thinking how boring I have become.
Lately, I feel like I am too tired to do anything. I haven’t even done my make up that much recently.
My sister asked me today if I was lonely and I said not really, just occasionally I wish I had a male best friend and more interaction with males.
Then I mentioned that it would be too much work and I was too tired to proceed with finding a friend or trying to build the relationship. The idea of even starting a relationship (friendship or otherwise) just sounds so tiring and the return on investment is not there.

Even when I meet someone new and they start asking me the standard questions, I just feel tired and want to say the simplest thing so we can move on.

Anyways, I just am wondering if I am boring or if I am just burnt out. I do kind of look boring nowadays with no makeup and no flashy clothes.
But if I am boring, I am okay with it I guess.

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04/21/2017

So, last night I was talking to this guy who happens to be interested in psychology as well and get this…he is actually going to use his psychology degree!
Crazy.
Didn’t tell him that I am farce who just studies psychology cause it’s interesting and not because I have any intention of using it as a career.

Anyways, we were talking about how to stay positive and happy with yourself.
I sent him the following video:

I actually read that guy’s book and didn’t even know he did a Ted Talk til recently, but I like the Ted Talk, because he is going to be way more direct in 12 minutes than 200+ pages.
Anyways, a little while back I started to do the suggestions in that video of writing down three things you are grateful for and journaling one positive thing that happened to you, but I only made it a few days.
He suggests 21 and now that I am thinking about it, I want to try that again because I have been kind of down, particularly yesterday, and since my blog is my journal, everyone else gets to join in on this.

  1. I am grateful for my knowledge of God and His plan of happiness.
  2. I am grateful for the Atonement and that I can repent of my sins. There is nothing better than the ability to feel clean again and removed of guilt.
  3. I am grateful that I can pray and feel close to my Heavenly Father

I feel like those are easy ones to be grateful for and probably similar to what anyone (at least who is religious) would say.
But I want to say them first, because they are the most important.

And the one positive thing that I want to write about that happened yesterday was that I feeling sick and had to come home early from work.
I was laying in bed feeling awful and frankly depressed as well. (I find not feeling well seems to be a big player in my mental state)
And I called our golden retriever to come lay with me and he is still a puppy so he is very busy.
Every 30 seconds he would try to find a new position to lay in instead of just laying down next to me.
Anyways, I just ended up laying in bed laughing with him, because he is such a wiggle worm.
It’s not what you would expect to be a positive experience, but he just makes me happy.

Just a reference picture for you.

 

04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

04/07/2017

I find that most of my posts lately are about my thoughts on Psychology. This is probably because I am in my finally 10 classes and it’s all I read about.
But anyways, on with my psychological thoughts for today:

Being an adult, I have heard a bit about Freud. It started from the first time someone mentioned a Freudian slip, to the times that he has been brought up to where I looked up vague synopsis-es of his theory of psychology.
And every time I looked him up and read about his theories I thought I did not like them.

About a year ago I was thinking about Freud as the “found of Psychology” and thought I should probably actually find out what he was about since I had already decided I really didn’t like him.
I downloaded onto my phone all of his published works. (There were a few.)
I started to read them and got through the first volume, but the old English with scientific vernacular was too much for me, so I gave up before I even got to the good parts, like his theory.

But now that I am in the actual Psychology core classes of college, we are spending quite a bit of time studying Freud’s theory of personality, so I can finally make an educated decision?
Annnnnnd I hate his theory.
In fact, as the founder of psychology, I am pretty sure he has shaped our society in a huge, negative way.
So…not happy with him.

I don’t care as much about his theory of the mind and how it is made up, but what I don’t like is that in Freudian theory there are only two motivating factors in life or reasons why people do things: Sex and Aggression due to the desire to die.

Sex and death…that’s all there is. Everything else is just a manifestation of sex and death.

A very funny scene with Jermaine Clements in Dinner for Schmucks.

What. the. hell.

In the entirety of the human experience and mind, how is it possible that someone could think there is only sex and death? Even in infants, Freud found only sex and death.

I mean, if this is the foundation of psychology, no wonder we now have a society that is completely sex crazed and my generation cannot have a healthy sexual life, because they can’t balance between too much sex and complete abstinence.
But why am I a surprised?
Apparently there were only two options for what people do and the morbidity crazed are more taboo than the sex crazed.

You can’t hear my long sigh when I try to talk about it. The concept to me is just so ridiculous and dumb that I just end up throwing my hands up.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because I see it. I see how this one theorist was the founder of psychology and has shaped a society where sex is everything and those who can have sex with multiple partners are idolized.

It’s just a pity so much was based on his studies, because yes sex is great, but there is more to life than sex. And yes, death happens, but again there is more to life than death.
So, that sucks.
There is nothing more that I can say than it sucks.

04/01/2017

First off, I would just like to say that this is not about April Fools.
I don’t get those sorts of holidays now that I am an adult. In fact, I was never someone who was interested in pranking.
But I also don’t get pinching on St. Patrick’s Day. Someone brought up that I was not wearing green and I was going to get pinched. I told them that adults don’t normally pinch other adults.
That would be weird.
A few days later the same person asked me if I got pinched on St. Patrick’s…nope.

Maybe I am just weird, but the idea of pranking or pinching someone else in the name of a holiday seems a bit immature to me.
Pranking has never been something I was super into, I can do teasing, but pranking always seemed a bit more malicious than fun to me.
Also, the whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you thing” sticks in my head and I wouldn’t find it funny if someone pranked me in the way that is popular these days.

Am I just a stick in the mud who doesn’t understand holidays?
I wouldn’t say so. I still think Halloween and Christmas are great, but I have to admit the other holidays don’t really have much appeal to me at this point.
I am a single person who doesn’t live near any family but my sister and brother-in-law. None of us really have a ton of adult friends or go to any parties.
So, as you can imagine, holidays that are most just to get together with friends don’t really have a ton of appeal either.

Two years ago, two sisters that went to my ward put up an April Fools joke that they got their noses pierced.
They ended up getting in trouble with their mother. They were both adults though.
I guess I just wrote this post to complain about April Fools, because I don’t get it.
I never have and I probably never will.

03/31/2017

Lately I have been doing my actual major classes in college.
I only have a year and change left before I finally get my Bachelor’s degree. I may want to get an emphasis certificate after that which may add a year, but I will still have the degree.
I can finally check that box off when I go to apply to places.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes.)

I may have said it before, but unless you are going to have a specific career like medical, dental, accountant, or a scientist, the actual degree you get does not really matter.
Being someone who has had good job experience already and tries to find a job, I have found that most potential employers do not ask what your degree is in.
They just want to see that you have a degree.

This is why I chose to major in Psychology.
It is easy, interesting, and I will finally be able to check that box of having a Bachelor’s.
Also, I don’t think there is anything wrong with learning more about how people function.
Even when I was a teenager, my parents would have me read personality books so I could be more understanding of the people who were around me. It actually makes it a lot easier to interact with others.

Anyways, with our current political demands a lot of people will ask me that if I don’t care about my major and just chose an easy one, aren’t I upset to be paying so much money?
The truth is…not really.
I am okay with the cost of my education and the amount of loans I have had to take out, because yes I did have to take out loans.
This is an investment in my future, because I have been turned down by higher paying jobs that I am qualified for simply due to the fact that I do not have a degree.

And as for loans, I have had people telling me not to get student loans since I was 19 years old.
For the 6 years I have been going to college, because I am someone who works full-time instead of just straight going.
In my experience, people who are able to go to college without taking out loans are either one of three people:

  • Their parents paid for it.
  • They are better at saving than me.
  • They are more patient and willing to forgo classes til they have the money.

And that is all great.
It makes me think of the Princess Bride when Inigo Montoya and Wesley are dueling and Inigo says:

“I am willing to admit you are better than I am.”

I think it reminds me of that part of the movie, because Inigo is smiling when he says it, because even though Wesley is better, it does not change Inigo’s situation.
Not an exact comparison, but the brain makes the associations it wants.

I had to take out student loans, but if I take them out now and get a higher paying job, it puts me in a more stable position to pay them off.
Just like taking out an auto loan you intend to pay off.

Anyways, I am one of those dumb, roll-your-eyes psychology majors and I am almost done.

03/30/2017

One thing I have been doing lately when I go to blog is actually changing the names of my older posts to be the date it was written instead of whatever clever title I decided to come up with at the time.
My thought process behind this is that those days only occurred once and having a blog for 6 years now it has become more of a record of where I have been and my thoughts as a person, as opposed to me trying to be clever or entertain someone with a title.

Anyways, it is funny to go back in time and be looking at these blog posts that I was writing back in February of 2011.
First of all, I was a lot more eager to write on my blog back then than I was now. I remember when I first started it up I had so many thoughts I wanted to write on the blog that I was actually trying not to post too many times in one day.
As I am re-naming my posts, I am seeing days where I posted 3 times in a day!
I don’t know if we can chalk that up to eager, late teenage enthusiasm or just that now I am busier, but these days I am always thinking about things for my blog and then they never quite make it over to it.
We are looking at a post every 3 weeks if we are lucky.

But the other thing that really struck me was finding this post that I wrote back on 02/18/2011.
6 days after my 19th birthday, which is so crazy that here 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days (I did use a calculator for that) I would still be blogging.
Anyways, in that post I am talking about changing a CD in a rented truck in the middle of the night.
I remember that night and seeing that other car while I was trying to change the CD. I can’t remember why I was out in the middle of the night, but I do remember sitting there trying to change out the CD.

The thing is that now I don’t even stay out that late. In fact, I get tired at 8 o’clock and am usually in bed by 11 at the latest.
There are no midnight CD changing runs now.
I have gotten older and it’s crazy to look back and see that.

I’m still here.

So, every time I have a lull in writing on my blog, I always feel like I have to explain why I was gone so long.
Well, I feel like sometimes there is not more I can say about what’s going on in my life.
I mean, how many times do you guys want to read about how lost I am or the fact that my life is one huge experiment in making questionable choices and then living with the consequences?
And during those times I always feel less inclined to post some of my more silly posts, like the ones of what I like to wear, because even though there is not much thought that goes into those, I am just not feeling it.

Instead of explaining, I figured I would just post a song about how I have been feeling lately.

(There is a song, listen to it here.)

Are you better off?

One thing that I have noticed about myself is that once a date gets brought into my brain, I hold on to it forever.
And not for an anniversary type deal, but more for a passing of time.

On December 4, 2012 I moved to Orange County.
One year ago today.
I moved from Las Vegas where I was raised, and lived for 18 years, and  came up to Orange Country to live closer (and live with) my parents.

So, on this anniversary if you will, I happen to be wondering if I am better off than if I had stayed in Las Vegas.
And surprisingly I am thinking the answer is yes.

Now, I did say surprisingly and no one is more surprised than me.
Does anyone remember the movie Encino Man with Paulie Shore?
I was watching it the other day and Sam from Lord of the Rings says to Paulie Shore that he is not cool. Paulie Shore then says:

I am cool. I am just underrated because I live here in Encino.

YES!
This is me here in Orange County. I am just underrated.
And being social is hard. No one really values the traits and qualities that I have always through were admirable in a person. Traits that I happen to have worked to have.
I don’t trust any of these people.
Negative 16 points for Orange County.

But there are more factors than just social that play into the “Are you better off question?”
Socially am I better off? Not really.
But I am better off with my family. I resented the heckle out of them when I was living in Las Vegas.
I was so bitter at my father and I thought my mother wished I was never born.
There is none of that going on now.
We are all happy to be around each other.
So, 6 point for family in Orange County.

Second, I have a good job where I am making almost double what I made in Las Vegas.
But I am paying the same amount of rent.
Yes, this amount of rent now goes to my parents and not to a roommate, but when I lived on my own with the roommate, I was always alone.
I spent all my time watching Netflix.
Literally.
This is all I did. FOR A YEAR!
I was by myself always.
So, 1 point for anti-loneliness in Orange County.

But even though I am not as lonely, I still don’t have many friends and a boyfriend here is pretty much non-existent.
Apparently men find me weird? What?
Negative 3 points for my weirdness in Orange County.

Then there is also the fact of my job. I have a pretty good job that pays well that I did not have before.
I actually work at a bigger company, which means more variety of people.
And it is tech support mixed with customer service, which means I get to use my techy talents without feeling like I am anti-social and never talking to anyone.
And I make good money.
So, 2 point for a better job in Orange County.

But the thing that I feel is most important when looking at if I am better off is that I am happier. (+5 points)
I have better clothing and better lifestyle here. (+1 points)
And I now own a Cube which I would not if I lived in Vegas. (+632 points)

What does this mean?
That life is much cleared when I assign fake points to everything that I own.
Also, the glass is half full.
Even if you are still weird.