9/7/2017

I’ve been thinking a lot lately like I typically do. Someone asked me recently what my favorite thing to do is and I responded with thinking.
Because it is the thing I do the most and I do think about various different subjects.

But one thing I was thinking of when I was on a long drive today for my work was just thinking how boring I have become.
Lately, I feel like I am too tired to do anything. I haven’t even done my make up that much recently.
My sister asked me today if I was lonely and I said not really, just occasionally I wish I had a male best friend and more interaction with males.
Then I mentioned that it would be too much work and I was too tired to proceed with finding a friend or trying to build the relationship. The idea of even starting a relationship (friendship or otherwise) just sounds so tiring and the return on investment is not there.

Even when I meet someone new and they start asking me the standard questions, I just feel tired and want to say the simplest thing so we can move on.

Anyways, I just am wondering if I am boring or if I am just burnt out. I do kind of look boring nowadays with no makeup and no flashy clothes.
But if I am boring, I am okay with it I guess.

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8/16/2017

I’m at a point in time right now where life just seems really long and really hard and really lonely.

I have been feeling it for a couple weeks now and the typical things I use to comfort myself aren’t doing it so much for me anymore. When they are comforting, it’s just temporary.

I don’t really have a direction for this post or even had a ton I wanted to say, I just wanted to write down my feelings, because I am having them again very strongly tonight.

I know I will feel better after reading my scriptures and this reoccurring feeling that will pass over time. Kind of like a slump, but it is one I’ve had for the past while and I just can’t shake it. It’s a waiting for it to pass thing and I just wanted to talk about it.

That’s all.

07/17/2017

I’ve really missed my blog lately. I’ve been running so crazy that I couldn’t even think of anything to write about on here.

I mean, I haven’t even done my make up in like a month, let alone written on my blog. That is just not like me.

Actually, it is like me. I’m very inconsistent with my blog over the weeks, but over the years, I have been killing it at this for almost 6 and a half years.

Anyways, the last couple of days there has been some lyrics from a song stuck in my head:

All will be well

Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself

All will be will

You can ask me how, but only time will tell.

This has been coming to my mind since there have been a few situations recently where things haven’t panned out and the aftermath leaves you just trying your hardest to manage.

In other words, trying to keep your head and then keep it above water.

But I just like the words of that song about how even after breaking promises to yourself, which I have done quite often, things will get better after time.

And that is comforting to me right now.

(All Will Be Well – The Gabe Dixon Band)

04/21/2017

So, last night I was talking to this guy who happens to be interested in psychology as well and get this…he is actually going to use his psychology degree!
Crazy.
Didn’t tell him that I am farce who just studies psychology cause it’s interesting and not because I have any intention of using it as a career.

Anyways, we were talking about how to stay positive and happy with yourself.
I sent him the following video:

I actually read that guy’s book and didn’t even know he did a Ted Talk til recently, but I like the Ted Talk, because he is going to be way more direct in 12 minutes than 200+ pages.
Anyways, a little while back I started to do the suggestions in that video of writing down three things you are grateful for and journaling one positive thing that happened to you, but I only made it a few days.
He suggests 21 and now that I am thinking about it, I want to try that again because I have been kind of down, particularly yesterday, and since my blog is my journal, everyone else gets to join in on this.

  1. I am grateful for my knowledge of God and His plan of happiness.
  2. I am grateful for the Atonement and that I can repent of my sins. There is nothing better than the ability to feel clean again and removed of guilt.
  3. I am grateful that I can pray and feel close to my Heavenly Father

I feel like those are easy ones to be grateful for and probably similar to what anyone (at least who is religious) would say.
But I want to say them first, because they are the most important.

And the one positive thing that I want to write about that happened yesterday was that I feeling sick and had to come home early from work.
I was laying in bed feeling awful and frankly depressed as well. (I find not feeling well seems to be a big player in my mental state)
And I called our golden retriever to come lay with me and he is still a puppy so he is very busy.
Every 30 seconds he would try to find a new position to lay in instead of just laying down next to me.
Anyways, I just ended up laying in bed laughing with him, because he is such a wiggle worm.
It’s not what you would expect to be a positive experience, but he just makes me happy.

Just a reference picture for you.

 

04/07/2017

I find that most of my posts lately are about my thoughts on Psychology. This is probably because I am in my finally 10 classes and it’s all I read about.
But anyways, on with my psychological thoughts for today:

Being an adult, I have heard a bit about Freud. It started from the first time someone mentioned a Freudian slip, to the times that he has been brought up to where I looked up vague synopsis-es of his theory of psychology.
And every time I looked him up and read about his theories I thought I did not like them.

About a year ago I was thinking about Freud as the “found of Psychology” and thought I should probably actually find out what he was about since I had already decided I really didn’t like him.
I downloaded onto my phone all of his published works. (There were a few.)
I started to read them and got through the first volume, but the old English with scientific vernacular was too much for me, so I gave up before I even got to the good parts, like his theory.

But now that I am in the actual Psychology core classes of college, we are spending quite a bit of time studying Freud’s theory of personality, so I can finally make an educated decision?
Annnnnnd I hate his theory.
In fact, as the founder of psychology, I am pretty sure he has shaped our society in a huge, negative way.
So…not happy with him.

I don’t care as much about his theory of the mind and how it is made up, but what I don’t like is that in Freudian theory there are only two motivating factors in life or reasons why people do things: Sex and Aggression due to the desire to die.

Sex and death…that’s all there is. Everything else is just a manifestation of sex and death.

A very funny scene with Jermaine Clements in Dinner for Schmucks.

What. the. hell.

In the entirety of the human experience and mind, how is it possible that someone could think there is only sex and death? Even in infants, Freud found only sex and death.

I mean, if this is the foundation of psychology, no wonder we now have a society that is completely sex crazed and my generation cannot have a healthy sexual life, because they can’t balance between too much sex and complete abstinence.
But why am I a surprised?
Apparently there were only two options for what people do and the morbidity crazed are more taboo than the sex crazed.

You can’t hear my long sigh when I try to talk about it. The concept to me is just so ridiculous and dumb that I just end up throwing my hands up.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because I see it. I see how this one theorist was the founder of psychology and has shaped a society where sex is everything and those who can have sex with multiple partners are idolized.

It’s just a pity so much was based on his studies, because yes sex is great, but there is more to life than sex. And yes, death happens, but again there is more to life than death.
So, that sucks.
There is nothing more that I can say than it sucks.

04/01/2017

First off, I would just like to say that this is not about April Fools.
I don’t get those sorts of holidays now that I am an adult. In fact, I was never someone who was interested in pranking.
But I also don’t get pinching on St. Patrick’s Day. Someone brought up that I was not wearing green and I was going to get pinched. I told them that adults don’t normally pinch other adults.
That would be weird.
A few days later the same person asked me if I got pinched on St. Patrick’s…nope.

Maybe I am just weird, but the idea of pranking or pinching someone else in the name of a holiday seems a bit immature to me.
Pranking has never been something I was super into, I can do teasing, but pranking always seemed a bit more malicious than fun to me.
Also, the whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you thing” sticks in my head and I wouldn’t find it funny if someone pranked me in the way that is popular these days.

Am I just a stick in the mud who doesn’t understand holidays?
I wouldn’t say so. I still think Halloween and Christmas are great, but I have to admit the other holidays don’t really have much appeal to me at this point.
I am a single person who doesn’t live near any family but my sister and brother-in-law. None of us really have a ton of adult friends or go to any parties.
So, as you can imagine, holidays that are most just to get together with friends don’t really have a ton of appeal either.

Two years ago, two sisters that went to my ward put up an April Fools joke that they got their noses pierced.
They ended up getting in trouble with their mother. They were both adults though.
I guess I just wrote this post to complain about April Fools, because I don’t get it.
I never have and I probably never will.

02/02/2017

So, my blog has sort have been a guilty thought for me lately. I think about posting on here, but I just have nothing to say.

I even haven’t called my mother much lately since I have nothing to say. There is nothing new happening in my life since I moved to Draper. And I don’t do anything or have a job yet. Also, I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. So…

My Dad used to talk to us about how there are two types of objects in the world. Those that act and those that are acted upon. I have to admit that lately I feel as though I am one that is acted upon.

I saw this online tonight:


I feel a little bit of that. Now, every step I have taken recently I felt was what the Lord wanted me to do, but I do feel very numb and void lately.

Obviously there is a purpose and a plan, I just yet to have figured it out. But it feels lame because it seems I talk about that a lot on my blog. Pretty much the theme of my blog is aimless wandering or more appropriate faith based decisions.

But anyways, that’s where I am at. Again.

08/13/2016

It is my personal opinion that my posts I make in the middle of the night are some of my best
Why?
I just feel like anything I say during these times are very raw and slightly less censored. They have run studies and found out that 24 hours of sleep deprivation is the same as having a blood alcohol level of .10%.
I haven’t been up for 24 hours, but I am sure that staying up late is when you start gambling.

Anyways, tonight I just started to get a feeling of uneasiness. Like an eerie uneasiness of how much I didn’t what was going to happen next.
Just a sort of realization that I had no idea what was going on and I am not sure of anything.
I don’t even know what I want to eat tomorrow, which is super fun for me.
Maybe another hotdog, cause I am really into those lately and always.
But more importantly the big things I am unsure about as well since my life has been in a state of flux for the last little while.

I took a really late and rather weird nap this afternoon. I fell asleep at 6 pm and work up at 9:45 pm.
It was in this time of waking up that I was standing in the kitchen looking around feeling this eerie feeling.
Like something was supposed to happen or there was something that was going to happen and I just did not know what.
It was very much an out-of-body experience, but I am trying not to over think it, because that’s when my imagination takes hold and I start thinking fantastical things like:

Maybe this was the moment that everything changed.

It wasn’t, but I am a writer by nature and so my mind creates stories just to make things seem more interesting.
My life is not that interesting and my eerie feelings are not that deep at all.
But it was a feeling that you don’t get every day. Very much an out-of-body experience (repeating myself) and I think not knowing what is going to come next just added to that eerie feeling.
Great…

Rulon, my grandfather, ruins my sleep schedule like no other. The only reason I am up this late or taking weird naps is that I have found even if I don’t take a nap, I will end up staying up late with him.
So, I take a nap, which makes me stay up even later.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Tonight it was that we were watching Quentin Tarantino movies, not my favorite. Now I am sitting on one couch writing this while he decides which Hallmark movies he wants to TiVo. I will then read scriptures to him before we go to bed.
We don’t even do anything exciting when we stay up late, we just stay up late.

Anyways, my weird sleeping schedule has nothing to do with me getting these eerie feelings.
There is no way that my lack of sleep could leave me weirded out suddenly in any way, shape, or form.

Late Pic 8/13/16

The Old Man and I

I live with my grandfather.
I have made a few posts recently that have shown a little bit what our lives together is like. A lot of them show us being generally snarky to each other, which is pretty much the basis of all of our conversations.
My grandfather is very sarcastic and has a very dry sense of humor. He also likes to tease a lot, to the point that most of what comes out of his mouth is him teasing me.
Luckily I worked in automotive for the past year and if you are going to work in that industry, you have to roll with the punches. My old boss would introduce me at parties/meetings as the “Corporate Pain in the Ass”. He also told me once that I would probably never find love because of my personality.
And how did I respond to those comments?
You throw it back. Top it if you can.
And none of us ever got offended, because we knew that it was said in affection and jest. It wasn’t really meant to hurt the other person.
We also were in positions where we would have to do deal with people saying really mean things to us and so in a way it prepared us for the real deal.

Fast forward to living with my grandfather, who I didn’t really know very well when I was younger.
He was around a lot of the time, but he didn’t really get on well with kids so it was hard to talk to him.
Today he tells me that he gets along better with “kids” in their twenties. I would agree (except about the kids part) since now he is a very easy person to talk to and he is very fun to banter with.
Well, here is an example of some of that banter that I posted on Instagram from last night:

rutext

So, he is in a wheelchair.
Not paralyzed, but just can’t use the right side of his body and I feel a lot of people look at that and immediately feel sorry for him.
They see him in his wheelchair, that he is 85 and immediately start to judge these sorts of interactions.
This post I made on Instagram got a response from my cousin commenting

#PoorGuy

I just rolled my eyes.
He is not a poor guy. When I got there to pick him up he said “About time you showed up”.
He was obviously super upset about the text.

But people don’t understand that sort of relationship I have found.
They will look at us shocked or even say something to me about it and he eats it up. A lot of times he will be smiling at me when they are saying something.

(Seen Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj_tlHqnWj0)

The “something nice” he said in that video was “Good For You” when I told him that I had gotten him a Pepsi from the store.
….Yeah, homeboy gives as good as he gets.
My aunt actually apologized to me that he is so “mean to me” a couple of weeks ago.
And yet, we are both fine.

Last night we went to Cafe Rio together and as we were leaving he told me to take our leftovers out to the car and he would roll himself out to the side-walk while I did it.
So, I was holding the door open for him and he was having trouble getting through the doorway.
This lady came running up to him asking him if he needed any help and he just kept trying to get through the doorway on his own without answering her.
She then looked at me as if I was going to answer for him.
I just said:

“He needs to learn to do it on his own.”

She gave me the most horrified look ever and then looked at me like I was the worst person in the world.
She missed him just rolling his eyes at me and then said “Well, I think you’re doing a great job.” to him.

I don’t expect everyone to understand the relationship that my grandfather and I have.
They see the snarky comments and the back and forth, but they don’t see the affection that happens between us, because it’s mostly through acts that happen when no one is around.
Like the other night he had an accident in his chair and I ended up cleaning it up and I couldn’t help but think that there was no way I didn’t love him when I was doing it.
Or the other night when I wasn’t feeling good and fell asleep on the couch, I woke up at 2 am to find him fixing the blanket on me.
He got embarrassed when he saw me awake and quickly said:

“It wasn’t fully covering your feet!”

And rolled away.
The same man who 5 hours earlier when I told him I still wasn’t feeling good told me:

“You know, we shoot sick horses.”

Just the kind of comment we both expected.

the old and I

07/10/2016

One of my favorite things about living with my grandfather is the simple moments I get to see everyday.The small things that you wouldn’t get to see unless you live with someone.

Today it was this moment:

I would never have seen that without living here. It’s one of those small things people do that you can appreciate and hope you remember. 

Mostly for the faces he made and how cute he is trying to build up his arm strength.