As long as you are still breathing, there is still time…

That’s something the speaker in church said on Sunday and it struck me really hard.

Today my sister and I were driving with on a highway in the middle of nowhere for our work we do together and all of sudden it started pouring rain. 

The thing about driving in the pouring rain is it’s a lot like driving in the snow. And once the road gets covered in water, it can be like driving on black ice.

We slid off the road and probably were out of control of the car for about 40 ft of driving through bushes and desert terrain. Luckily there were no signs or anything for us to hit, we just plowed through a few small bushes. It was also lucky that we were in my sister’s SUV and not my Prius.

Last week I was listening to a talk and in the talk the speaker was telling a story about a time when he was walking on a bridge and the footing gave way. He fell and the first thing he did was yell out:

Father! Help me!

Praying out loud. He immediately thought to turn to his Heavenly Father and he was caught by one of the other hikers.

As I listened to the talk twice (I like to listen to them twice so I can hear the message and let it sink in) I wondered if I would immediately know or think to call out in prayer.

Fast forward to today when my sister and I were praying to see if we should make this drive, I received a response of “Trust me”.

And as we slid off the road and had a very tense 60 seconds, the first thing I did was scream my sisters name (to alert her of the situation in case she somehow missed that she had lost control of the car.) and then my heart praying to Heavenly Father for us to be safe.

And we were. A little whiplash and definitely shook up, but we were safe.

Then when we had turned around and said a prayer of gratitude, that saying from the speaker on Sunday came to my mind.

Even when you’re sliding out of control in the pouring rain, as long as you’re still breathing there is still time to call out to your Heavenly Father.



I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.


I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.


So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over


I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

(There is a video that you can watch here.)

It was a nice thing to wake up to.
I have been reading the 4 Gospels in the Bible and will read 3rd Nephi afterwards just to get in the Christmas spirit.
I was hoping that reading the words of Christ would help me to better have him in my heart this Christmas season and also help me to remember the things that he did for me.
I wasn’t sure if it was working outside of thinking about him when I am actually reading my scriptures at night, but waking up with this song in my head makes me feel a bit better about my efforts.

I know I am not always thinking about Christ and God as much as I should, but I try my best to keep them in my heart and hope they know of my love for them.

For those who read my blog that are not religious, I am serious about all of this and I do have a deep love for my religion and for God.


So, I definitely want to do more of those videos, because the ongoing search for hobbies is still very real and it killed about 20 minutes that night. Plus, it’s a way to keep my blog updated that is only slightly easier than writing a post. I do intend to continue to do both.

Anyways, today I wrote these thoughts in my spiritual journal (which I normally don’t record full entries in,  more just short thoughts or quotes heard in church) and I thought I should write it out on here, because this is the closest thing I have to an actual journal.

I was listening in church (the LDS church) to the talks that were being given today and a lady was talking about her conversion to our church and how she had wondered about who she was and where she came from and that finally she felt she knew those answers. She said finding out about the Gospel felt more like remembering than learning something new.

I realized then how lucky I have been that I have never wondered about those questions that people often worry about. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going after I die?

See, I was born and raised in the Gospel and so I had been taught those things since I was a little child. And even at the times where I thought I didn’t believe in the teachings of my church anymore, I never wondered about those questions, because I feel deep down I always still knew the answers to who I was and where I was going. 

I wrote in my spiritual journal today:

I’ve wandered, but I’ve never wondered.

And I feel that is pretty true. I know what my purpose is through the Gospel. To serve others and to serve God. And I know where I am going and why I was put here.

So, today I felt very grateful that I had never had to go through the trial of wondering those major questions. That makes me lucky, which is a pretty cool realization to have randomly. It makes me feel very loved.

Anyways, you can’t see me smiling right now.

If this week/year didn’t go how you wanted…

I have a suggestion at this point after seeing so much of what is being said on Social Media and by the people around me:If you’re feeling hurt, scared, slighted, worried, angry, or even targeted, I think protesting is the best thing you can do.

Not lost in a mob of people with signs walking down the street, but in your room, on your knees to your Father in Heaven.

Protest to him about how hurt you are, about your fears, about how you didn’t ask for this or it was all unfair. Tell him exactly what you think about what is happening and how it happened and what you want changed. Yell it at him even. He will listen.

And if you don’t get an answer, go back and protest again. Be louder. More passionate and protest to your Heavenly Father until something changes, because you have been promised something will change. You have been promised that he will give you peace and carry your burdens if you give/protest them to him and not one tear shed will be in vain. 
“Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”

D&C 82:23


I have mentioned on here a couple of times that I take part in the very “fun” practice of online dating.
Or app dating, which I feel is in the same category.
Which many may roll their eyes at, but it is really not as bad as online dating used to be and almost is necessary nowadays.
But I will save the for another post.

One thing I made sure to do when I am on these sites is put on my profile that I am LDS.
I do this, because being religious (outside of Utah at least) is not such a common thing anymore.
By putting it on my profile, I am hoping that I am letting people know about a huge part of my life upfront and saving some time with certain questions that might be asked.
A big one is the hooking up question or grabbing a drink.
It doesn’t save this time though.
In fact, to date, one of my favorite first messages I have gotten on one of those sites was:

“What does ‘LDS’ mean? Likes dirty sex?”

Super close.

Anyways, this past week I got a message from a man who in the first couple of messages let me know that he used to be LDS until he had an “awakening” and realized that all religions are wrong and to just do the best with the time that he had here.
My response was just “Oh, well that’s nice.”
Cause really, what was he expecting me to say to that?

“What?! You’re so right! I’m going to change my entire life right now!”

That was said with sarcasm, in case you cannot tell.
But not meant to sound rude, just to illustrate that there was really nothing else I could say in that moment.

He then said “If you found out today that I was right, would you keep living your life the way you are now?”
Continuing with my simplistic approach, I just responded with “Yes.”
He then said:

“Really? You wouldn’t try all of the things you haven’t been doing because they are ‘bad’ or ‘sinful’?”

Okay, it’s in moments like these where I get this huge smile on my face.
Because when these moments happen, and not just with religion, where someone is trying to apply a stereotype or social stigma to me and I can’t help but smile and think in my head “Oh, you’ve got the wrong person.”

I responded back letting him know that I had left my church for a while and did a lot of those things that, in his words, were ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’ and that they did not make me happy. That my church was what made me happy and even if I found out that it wasn’t true, I would still do the concepts in the church because it’s how I am happiest.
I ended by saying that I would want him to continue to do the things that make him happy.

…he blocked me after that.
Which is why I couldn’t take screenshots of this conversation for this post.
But keep in mind that this conversation happened over the course of 10 minutes and was only about 6 messages back and forth.

Now, maybe I am sounding like a jerk here in this post in how I responded to him, but I used to try to do something similar when I was not in my church.
I cannot say how he was feeling, but when I left I felt like I had been repressed and that everyone who is in that religion is ignorant and repressed and secretly wanting to do all the things that they “aren’t supposed” to do.
So, I would try to get them to admit it, because for me when I used to do that (I cannot speak for this man) it was a way for me to justify myself and what I was doing.
It was that small moment of condescension and “HA!” of proving that they were wrong and I was right.

I would be lying if I said that living a religion isn’t hard. It’s not popular right now and it is definitely not cool.
And there are a lot of people who do feel repressed in religious settings. I know a lot of people who wish they were out partying or doing some of the things that they would do without our religion.
I know a lot of people that follow my church just because that’s what they’ve always done and that’s what their parents did, so stick with what you know, right?

But that’s not everyone and that’s definitely not me.
I go to church every 3 hours every week, because I choose to. When I am faced with a situation that is, again in his words, ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’, I actively choose to not be a part of it.
Well, I would be lying if I said it was easier or that if I said I have no desire to partake in some of those things.
But I choose to, because I know that I will be happier in the long run when I do follow the concepts in my religion.

I feel like I am probably rambling at this point and that relating this story is not as impactful as it was for me when it happened.
So, I will just finish by saying that I am a huge believer that people should conscious choose what they believe. Whether it is religion or lack of.
That in order to truly devote yourself to any belief, as you should or is often required when choosing a belief, that you should do so actively.
If someone is having doubts or feeling repressed, they need to work through those feelings until they can find what makes them happy.
That is something that I have done in my life and has made all the difference. It has made it to where when I am faced with a situation like I had with this man, I can easily tell them that I know that my church is true and that even if it wasn’t, I still would be doing the same things I am doing today.
And that either way, I am doing so with every bit of awareness of what my options are.


You know, in the past week approaching Easter people kept asking me what my plans were and were shocked to find out that I had none. Many people asked me why I was not going to home to spend Easter with my family, but Easter was never a huge “holiday” in our household.
We would do an Easter egg hunt, but it was never something very big or memorable as a holiday in what you would normally consider to be a holiday nowadays.

Now, this does not mean that I am not struck with awe over the reason that we celebrate Easter.
The Atonement and Resurrection are two of my favorite subjects, because I have felt my sins being forgiven and I know that I can live again through Christ.
But this Easter I felt a little ashamed that I was not completely wrapped up in the spirit of what my Savior has done for me.
I think that travelling so much for work has left me exhausted and not focusing on the things that I should be as much. (Also, you will notice that it has left me not posting on my blog)

As I listened to the testimonies this Easter and even read the story of Christ rising in the Bible this afternoon, I realized that I was going to need to work harder at keeping the spirit with me as I travel and to let it still be a part of my focus when I am going about my work.

I am always excited about the Resurrection of Christ though, just need to carry that excitement with me always.

Sunday Thoughts: Mental Illness and the Atonement

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson on the Atonement, which is always my favorite.
And the teacher of the lesson wanted to make two specific points in her lesson, the first being that the atonement was personal and the second how it effects those who struggle with mental illnesses. She was talking about Elder Holland’s talk Like a Broken Vessel, which everyone should read.
Both of these subjects are very close to my heart and so obviously I had somethings that I wanted to contribute.
But though I kept raising my hand, she was not seeing me or calling on me. I am an imperfect person and so I was getting really annoyed.
And I hate that! I hate when I get annoyed or angry at church, because that is the opposite of what I am there for.
So I had to take a few seconds to text my sister so I could calm down. I am not suggesting that you should text in church, but in this particular case texting my sister about the situation did help me calm down.

Well, eventually she did call on me, but as I started talking I started crying. And a deep crying where it makes what you are saying not sound like words.
I would like to mention that this is not something that happens to me often, even when I am bearing my testimony.
So, I had to stop talking, because no one came to church to hear my blubbering.
But afterwards when I told my sister that I eventually did get to share, but I started crying (which she was surprised about as well), she asked me if I was able to share what I was wanting to share before I had to stop.
And the truth is I wasn’t able to.
I want to now and I will probably say more than I wanted to earlier since I have an open platform.

Mental illness and the atonement is a subject dear to my heart because I have severe depression.
I have had it since I was 14 years old and it has been a part of my daily life for the past 10 years.
This isn’t something that I normally tell people and even worry about telling people, because I have had people treat me differently when they found out. I have also had people treat me as if I was just being dramatic or that I just needed to stop focusing on myself so much when I told them I have depression.

Our society has gotten so much better about mental illness and there is so much more knowledge about it and the effects of it.
But there is also a lot of ignorance still from the population as a whole. And where there is not ignorance, there it is sometimes trivialized.
Depression is a difficult disorder to talk about because it can happen physically, but it can also be an occurrence in someone’s life due to circumstances.
Someone like me who has chronic depression, it is actual due to my body not producing enough serotonin. Meaning that I can control it as much as I can control not having good eyesight.
It also means that I can brush it off or square my shoulders and be positive as I can brush off the fact that I can’t see far away. Especially while driving.
Someone who is depressed due to their circumstances does have their serotonin levels drop, but chronic depression is actually where it is not producing or being receipted properly in the brain on a continual basis.
And a lot of times that means that I don’t even know why I am depressed. There is no reason. It just is.

I do take medication for this. I know how many people have negative feelings about people taking medication.
But continuing with my eyesight connection, it’s the same as how my glasses take my eyesight to what a regular person’s would be.
My medication doesn’t suddenly make me the happiest person in the world. (Though I am a pretty happy person) And it doesn’t make me feel like a different person than I was before.
It honestly just supplements that serotonin to where I have the same amount as the next person.
And just like the times when I somehow make it all the way out to my car in the morning without glasses and I have to think of what’s wrong, the same thing happens when I don’t take my medication. Although, unfortunately I cannot tell something is wrong until the next day when I have forgotten to take my medication.
But I can physically feel something being off when it is not there.

Why am I spending so much time explaining this?
Because the difficult thing about mental illnesses for most people is the fact that you can’t see there is something wrong.
Unlike when someone breaks their arm or unfortunately has cancer, there are physical signs that manifest that there is a problem happening internally.
But that doesn’t happen with mental illness.
In fact, I have never had someone come up to me and say “Corrie, you’re looking like you have a chemical imbalance upstairs. Are you feeling okay?”
Because there is no physical manifestation, it’s easy to forget that it’s out of someone’s control a lot of the time. And even I have been guilty of being insensitive because of that.
So, I do like to explain the physical side to it, because it illustrates just how real it is to someone who may not understand mental illness.
It’s not just all in our head, pun totally intended.

This brings me back to the Atonement.
Christ had to experience all things to get the full spectrum of the human experience. He literally had to endure everything so that it could be a complete Atonement and he could be a true Savior for his people.

“And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12)

When we talk about him being our Savior and Redeemer, most of us think about him saving us from our sins. We think about him satisfying the demands of justice so that we can return and live with Heavenly Father.
He did do that and that was a major part of the Atonement, but there was also him saving us from the world.
What I mean by that is he descended below all things so that when we are in this mortal experience and lost in our afflictions, whether they are sins, physical, emotional, or mental, he is able to console us and save us from the world.

When I was younger, my mother every year for the first couple of years had to take my sister and I to get shots. Since we were so close in age it only made sense for us to get the shots together.
My older sister, who is coincidentally my best friend, has a very high tolerance for pain and no fear of doctors. I remember multiple times where she would get her shots and be totally un-phased.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, I have a low tolerance for pain and when I would get my shot, I would bawl my eyes out.
And every year, my sister who was fine and enjoying a lollipop after would start crying hysterically when she saw me in pain and crying. She was fine and happy, but my pain was unbearable to her and suddenly my mother had two crying children instead of one.

Christ is our Savior, but he is also our older Brother. And just like my sister would have taken the shots for me to prevent my pain, Christ went through the same afflictions as all of us so that he could not only understand our pain, but he could remove our pain as well.
Now, just as it was necessary for me to get my own shots, it is necessary for each of us pass through trials that were personally chosen as something that we can bear.
But Christ also personally bore that trial for each of us.

In Tad R. Callister’s book The Infinite Atonement, he talks about how many believe that each of our individual names went through the Savior’s mind as we atoned for our sufferings. That our perfect older Brother thought of each of us as he bore our sorrows.
Now, this is something that my mortal mind cannot logically grasp, but I also logically cannot see it happening any other way.

The Atonement was the ultimate act of love from a Father and older Brother and it had to cover mental illness just as it needed to cover every other human plight.
Because when I, on some of my darkest days, have wished that I could merge into the walls so that no one would ever have to look at me or think of me again, my older Brother and Redeemer had to know how to show me love through experience with that exact same thought.
And I know for a fact that he did, because I have felt the effects of it.

And that is what I wish I could have conveyed earlier in not so many words.