7/20/2017

As long as you are still breathing, there is still time…

That’s something the speaker in church said on Sunday and it struck me really hard.

Today my sister and I were driving with on a highway in the middle of nowhere for our work we do together and all of sudden it started pouring rain. 

The thing about driving in the pouring rain is it’s a lot like driving in the snow. And once the road gets covered in water, it can be like driving on black ice.

We slid off the road and probably were out of control of the car for about 40 ft of driving through bushes and desert terrain. Luckily there were no signs or anything for us to hit, we just plowed through a few small bushes. It was also lucky that we were in my sister’s SUV and not my Prius.

Last week I was listening to a talk and in the talk the speaker was telling a story about a time when he was walking on a bridge and the footing gave way. He fell and the first thing he did was yell out:

Father! Help me!

Praying out loud. He immediately thought to turn to his Heavenly Father and he was caught by one of the other hikers.

As I listened to the talk twice (I like to listen to them twice so I can hear the message and let it sink in) I wondered if I would immediately know or think to call out in prayer.

Fast forward to today when my sister and I were praying to see if we should make this drive, I received a response of “Trust me”.

And as we slid off the road and had a very tense 60 seconds, the first thing I did was scream my sisters name (to alert her of the situation in case she somehow missed that she had lost control of the car.) and then my heart praying to Heavenly Father for us to be safe.

And we were. A little whiplash and definitely shook up, but we were safe.

Then when we had turned around and said a prayer of gratitude, that saying from the speaker on Sunday came to my mind.

Even when you’re sliding out of control in the pouring rain, as long as you’re still breathing there is still time to call out to your Heavenly Father.

Advertisements

04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

04/08/2017

So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why?
Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?
Cool.

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over

12/12/2016

I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

(There is a video that you can watch here.)

It was a nice thing to wake up to.
I have been reading the 4 Gospels in the Bible and will read 3rd Nephi afterwards just to get in the Christmas spirit.
I was hoping that reading the words of Christ would help me to better have him in my heart this Christmas season and also help me to remember the things that he did for me.
I wasn’t sure if it was working outside of thinking about him when I am actually reading my scriptures at night, but waking up with this song in my head makes me feel a bit better about my efforts.

I know I am not always thinking about Christ and God as much as I should, but I try my best to keep them in my heart and hope they know of my love for them.

For those who read my blog that are not religious, I am serious about all of this and I do have a deep love for my religion and for God.

11/20/2016

So, I definitely want to do more of those videos, because the ongoing search for hobbies is still very real and it killed about 20 minutes that night. Plus, it’s a way to keep my blog updated that is only slightly easier than writing a post. I do intend to continue to do both.

Anyways, today I wrote these thoughts in my spiritual journal (which I normally don’t record full entries in,  more just short thoughts or quotes heard in church) and I thought I should write it out on here, because this is the closest thing I have to an actual journal.

I was listening in church (the LDS church) to the talks that were being given today and a lady was talking about her conversion to our church and how she had wondered about who she was and where she came from and that finally she felt she knew those answers. She said finding out about the Gospel felt more like remembering than learning something new.

I realized then how lucky I have been that I have never wondered about those questions that people often worry about. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going after I die?

See, I was born and raised in the Gospel and so I had been taught those things since I was a little child. And even at the times where I thought I didn’t believe in the teachings of my church anymore, I never wondered about those questions, because I feel deep down I always still knew the answers to who I was and where I was going. 

I wrote in my spiritual journal today:

I’ve wandered, but I’ve never wondered.

And I feel that is pretty true. I know what my purpose is through the Gospel. To serve others and to serve God. And I know where I am going and why I was put here.

So, today I felt very grateful that I had never had to go through the trial of wondering those major questions. That makes me lucky, which is a pretty cool realization to have randomly. It makes me feel very loved.

Anyways, you can’t see me smiling right now.

If this week/year didn’t go how you wanted…

I have a suggestion at this point after seeing so much of what is being said on Social Media and by the people around me:If you’re feeling hurt, scared, slighted, worried, angry, or even targeted, I think protesting is the best thing you can do.

Not lost in a mob of people with signs walking down the street, but in your room, on your knees to your Father in Heaven.

Protest to him about how hurt you are, about your fears, about how you didn’t ask for this or it was all unfair. Tell him exactly what you think about what is happening and how it happened and what you want changed. Yell it at him even. He will listen.

And if you don’t get an answer, go back and protest again. Be louder. More passionate and protest to your Heavenly Father until something changes, because you have been promised something will change. You have been promised that he will give you peace and carry your burdens if you give/protest them to him and not one tear shed will be in vain. 
“Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”

D&C 82:23

My heart hurts.

So, this morning I was in the process of writing a different blog post when I had an interesting and actually very disheartening conversation.

This morning I reached out via Facebook to an acquaintance of mine who is going through a divorce, which is something we have talked about before, just to see how he was doing.
I just wanted to reach out and lend support to let him know that I was thinking of him and people are there for him.
He started to tell me how things were difficult because some of his friends had sided with her and then he noticed that some of her friends had sided with him.
He said he was not sure who to trust at this point.

I think those are all fair thoughts.
But then he told me the reason his friends sided with her was she was white and he was African-American.
This is where things got…sad for me.
I simply said (Quote):

“I don’t know if it’s about race…people unfortunately feel they have to take sides in a divorce. Either way, I’m very sorry.”

He then went on to tell me that I couldn’t understand because I was white and it wasn’t anything personal against me, but I just wouldn’t understand.

…This was a huge blow.
My heart just dropped in my chest when I read it.

This has stuck in my head all day and I was worried writing about it on here, because no matter what I say, by society’s standards I am in the wrong and have no right to be sad about what happened at all.
But I am.

See after he said that to me, I just simply told him he had made me uncomfortable and it sounded like I wasn’t the right person to talk to.
He told me I couldn’t understand what he was going through.

What made me so sad about this situation was that it didn’t have to be about race.
Perspective is everything and I understand that.
However, that conversation we were having wasn’t about that and now instead of me being a friend to him and able to talk to him, I feel alienated and sad about the state of affairs between us.

I hear about this divide every single day and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Especially having someone directly throw it at me in a situation that does not seem related.
I don’t see him as just a African-American, just as I would hope he wouldn’t see me as just White.
But everyone is so concerned about a divide being created between people due to unimportant differences that people are creating that divide.
At least in this instance and many that I see.

I am not saying that racism isn’t real or that these things don’t exist.
What I am saying is that it doesn’t have to be everywhere. It doesn’t have to be here.
This man and I could have been friends. I never thought about him as just a, in his words, “person of color”. Nor did I ever think that had anything to do with his current struggles.
But now I do feel he only sees me as a white person, which hurts because stereotypes hurt.

My sister has a friend at work who brings it up frequently that he is an African-American and she is not.
I know how often he brings it up, because she texts me when it happens feeling the same sadness I felt in my conversation.

I saw this video awhile back (it’s obviously old):

“How are we going to get rid of racism?”
“Stop talking about it! I’m going to stop calling you a ‘white man’ and I’m gonna ask you to stop calling me a ‘black man'”

This is truly how I feel.
I also wholeheartedly agree with another quote from Morgan Freeman about racism:

“If you talk about it, it exists.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s stop talking about it in these instances. Let’s stop bringing it up in unrelated personal conversations. Or in our workspace just because someone is of a different race than us.

If you have followed my blog, you know I am very devote religious. (LDS to be specific)
And when someone goes to a LDS temple it is required that we all wear white and very similar outfits.
It’s done this way to signify that “God is not a respecter of persons”.
Wealth, race, career…none of this matters to God. We are all on the same level.
He sees us all the same and as his children and we don’t have to talk about those things that can divide us (if we let them) there, because we are all the same.
That is how I try to see people and how I feel.
I’m absolutely, 100% no better than anyone else and when a situation gets brought up where someone feels that I think I am for whatever reason, it hurts.

This is a controversial post and I get that.
I really went back and forth on whether to write it, but then my friend told me that I should because blogging/journal-ling is a “good way to keep a record”.
That is why I wrote this post, because I would want my children to know how I felt about this.
That I never saw anyone differently and when I hear of those filters being placed in any instance, it hurts me.
But I also want anyone who reads this to know that I did not write this lightly.
In fact, I already know I will have to disable the comments and walk away from computers for a minute after pressing “Post” because I am nervous.
But nervousness should never be a reason to stop yourself from speaking what you feel and believe.

So, here we go.

09/04/2016

I have mentioned on here a couple of times that I take part in the very “fun” practice of online dating.
Or app dating, which I feel is in the same category.
Which many may roll their eyes at, but it is really not as bad as online dating used to be and almost is necessary nowadays.
But I will save the for another post.

One thing I made sure to do when I am on these sites is put on my profile that I am LDS.
I do this, because being religious (outside of Utah at least) is not such a common thing anymore.
By putting it on my profile, I am hoping that I am letting people know about a huge part of my life upfront and saving some time with certain questions that might be asked.
A big one is the hooking up question or grabbing a drink.
It doesn’t save this time though.
In fact, to date, one of my favorite first messages I have gotten on one of those sites was:

“What does ‘LDS’ mean? Likes dirty sex?”

Super close.

Anyways, this past week I got a message from a man who in the first couple of messages let me know that he used to be LDS until he had an “awakening” and realized that all religions are wrong and to just do the best with the time that he had here.
My response was just “Oh, well that’s nice.”
Cause really, what was he expecting me to say to that?

“What?! You’re so right! I’m going to change my entire life right now!”

That was said with sarcasm, in case you cannot tell.
But not meant to sound rude, just to illustrate that there was really nothing else I could say in that moment.

He then said “If you found out today that I was right, would you keep living your life the way you are now?”
Continuing with my simplistic approach, I just responded with “Yes.”
He then said:

“Really? You wouldn’t try all of the things you haven’t been doing because they are ‘bad’ or ‘sinful’?”

Okay, it’s in moments like these where I get this huge smile on my face.
Because when these moments happen, and not just with religion, where someone is trying to apply a stereotype or social stigma to me and I can’t help but smile and think in my head “Oh, you’ve got the wrong person.”

I responded back letting him know that I had left my church for a while and did a lot of those things that, in his words, were ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’ and that they did not make me happy. That my church was what made me happy and even if I found out that it wasn’t true, I would still do the concepts in the church because it’s how I am happiest.
I ended by saying that I would want him to continue to do the things that make him happy.

…he blocked me after that.
Which is why I couldn’t take screenshots of this conversation for this post.
But keep in mind that this conversation happened over the course of 10 minutes and was only about 6 messages back and forth.

Now, maybe I am sounding like a jerk here in this post in how I responded to him, but I used to try to do something similar when I was not in my church.
I cannot say how he was feeling, but when I left I felt like I had been repressed and that everyone who is in that religion is ignorant and repressed and secretly wanting to do all the things that they “aren’t supposed” to do.
So, I would try to get them to admit it, because for me when I used to do that (I cannot speak for this man) it was a way for me to justify myself and what I was doing.
It was that small moment of condescension and “HA!” of proving that they were wrong and I was right.

I would be lying if I said that living a religion isn’t hard. It’s not popular right now and it is definitely not cool.
And there are a lot of people who do feel repressed in religious settings. I know a lot of people who wish they were out partying or doing some of the things that they would do without our religion.
I know a lot of people that follow my church just because that’s what they’ve always done and that’s what their parents did, so stick with what you know, right?

But that’s not everyone and that’s definitely not me.
I go to church every 3 hours every week, because I choose to. When I am faced with a situation that is, again in his words, ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’, I actively choose to not be a part of it.
Why?
Well, I would be lying if I said it was easier or that if I said I have no desire to partake in some of those things.
But I choose to, because I know that I will be happier in the long run when I do follow the concepts in my religion.

I feel like I am probably rambling at this point and that relating this story is not as impactful as it was for me when it happened.
So, I will just finish by saying that I am a huge believer that people should conscious choose what they believe. Whether it is religion or lack of.
That in order to truly devote yourself to any belief, as you should or is often required when choosing a belief, that you should do so actively.
If someone is having doubts or feeling repressed, they need to work through those feelings until they can find what makes them happy.
That is something that I have done in my life and has made all the difference. It has made it to where when I am faced with a situation like I had with this man, I can easily tell them that I know that my church is true and that even if it wasn’t, I still would be doing the same things I am doing today.
And that either way, I am doing so with every bit of awareness of what my options are.

03/27/2016

You know, in the past week approaching Easter people kept asking me what my plans were and were shocked to find out that I had none. Many people asked me why I was not going to home to spend Easter with my family, but Easter was never a huge “holiday” in our household.
We would do an Easter egg hunt, but it was never something very big or memorable as a holiday in what you would normally consider to be a holiday nowadays.

Now, this does not mean that I am not struck with awe over the reason that we celebrate Easter.
The Atonement and Resurrection are two of my favorite subjects, because I have felt my sins being forgiven and I know that I can live again through Christ.
But this Easter I felt a little ashamed that I was not completely wrapped up in the spirit of what my Savior has done for me.
I think that travelling so much for work has left me exhausted and not focusing on the things that I should be as much. (Also, you will notice that it has left me not posting on my blog)

As I listened to the testimonies this Easter and even read the story of Christ rising in the Bible this afternoon, I realized that I was going to need to work harder at keeping the spirit with me as I travel and to let it still be a part of my focus when I am going about my work.

I am always excited about the Resurrection of Christ though, just need to carry that excitement with me always.