05/22/2017

The other day I watched this Ted Talk about stress and how it is actually healthy for you to feel stress.
The scientist discussed how if you view stress as healthy and the reactions your body has as rising to the occasion instead of getting stressed out, you will not have the negative reactions health-wise to stress that we normally hear about from doctors.

When I watch these sort of things, I see the benefits of knowing the results of these and trying to change your habits to be happier and healthier.
However, the last little while has been a very stressful time as we moved from our apartment to a house and I ended up having to quit my job in order to help with some of the things happening with my sister and her baby.

So, during this time, I kept thinking about that Ted Talk and how it was my body rising to the occasion….yeah that did not work.
Even though I understand the logic behind the idea of how stress is actually healthy and natural for you to experience.
That makes complete sense to me, however, it does not take away from the actual experience of being stressed and trying to function in that situation.
I think I do okay when I am in stressful situations, but being able to try to be super stoked or see my stress reactions as being ready for what I am about to do.
That may just be due to years of seeing the stress reaction for what they are, but I guess it helps to just keep the idea in the back of your head that it might be healthy?

Who’s to say, but I still am feeling stress as not the best feeling in the world and ready for it to go away.

03/24/2017

I have been working at a new job in Draper for about 6 weeks now and it is actually one that I think I would be okay staying at for a long while.
I may die at this job and that’s okay.
I don’t necessarily fit in, but that’s okay too.

I don’t work out and this company has a full, huge gym in the building.
But one thing that I do while at work that just seems to baffle everyone is I like to walk up and down the stairs. My work has 4 floors and 6 flights of stairs and I try to go and walk up and down those stairs a few times a day.
Right now my goal is 5 times a day, because I have watched my Fitbit and one time up and down is 250 steps. So, if I were to go up and down 5 times in a day, it would be a 1000 steps. Which is a nice portion when you have a Fitbit. Also, I read online that walking up 3 flights of stairs burns 15 calories, so if I were to do it 5 times a day, I would have burned 150 extra calories without working out or putting on special shoes. In fact, it only takes me about 3 and a half minutes to walk up and down the stairs one time.
So far I have only been able to fit in doing it 4 times a day, but that still is 120 calories and pretty good in my opinion.
My goal would be to work up to being able to walk up and down the stairs twice in a row, which if I could do that 5 times a day, it would end up being 300 calories.

It is a bit lost on my coworkers though and the other people who work in this building.
There have been a couple of times when I have been walking up and down the stairs and someone will hold the door for me on a particular level. Sometimes I will be polite and go through the door and then wait til they walk away to go back to the stairwell.
Most of the time I will just smile and tell them it’s not might floor. I’ve had a couple of people look at me like I am the most weird person and say:

So, you’re just walking up and down the stairs?

Yep. I am that weird.
I walk up and down the stairs.
There have been a couple other times where it feels a little uncomfortable, like when I walk up to my desk afterwards all out of breath and it seems like I got that way from just two flights of stairs to the second floor.
Or I just imagine the people walking past seeing this chubby, out of breath girl trying to smile at them as she walks up the stairs.
Oh Well.
I usually don’t get crazy out of breath until I am on the last flight, funnily enough.

I have actually seen some benefit to this already in that my legs have been killing my all week just from walking up and down the stairs. The other night our puppy kept running over my calves when I was kneeling next to the bed and I about killed him.
Other than that, it makes me feel productive in some way without having to put forth the full effort of working out.
I have been trying to be more reasonable with myself and build up to certain goals. Like I switch my Fitbit daily goal from 10,500 steps to 5,500. 10,500 is awesome and I probably should be doing that, but I have yet to achieve it consistently and I would rather work up to it and give myself good, reachable goals that become indifferent to the goal because it’s too high.

Anyways, I walk up and down the stairs at work and people think I’m weird.

But I’ve Got the Personality of a Greek God!

So, I just recently went through that monthly week where I get so bloated it’s like I randomly gained 20 lbs at a moments notice. This week is a fun one full of crankiness and inexhaustible worry about my weight.
You see, being someone that used to be 275 lbs and now isn’t, anytime something doesn’t fit a little or your don’t look as trim, something in your mind screams “NO! NO! NO!” And you go into a panic mode.

I have lost a lot of weight, however, Objectively, because anyone who comes here consistently knows I love to think about myself objectively; I realize my opinions about my body are unhealthy.
It’s gotten to a point to where I sometimes feel like all my problems would go away if I would just lose another pant size. That final pant size to look really, really good.
If that would just go away, all my other problems would fall away too, right?
That’s science based.
PFF!

Well, a couple of weeks ago I joined a gym and I paid for a few sessions with a personal trainer. This was uncomfortable because anything physical is difficult for me.
But he actually said I reminded him of his sister, which caused him to really open up to me.
And during one of our sessions, he started telling me about his high school experience. About how people used to tease him so bad for being skinny that he ended up taking a bunch of steroids until he had body dis morphia.
What?
I’m sorry, you had low self esteem because people called you skinny? The thing I spent all my high school years craving to be is what made yours a misery?
The hell?

Remember that one time I posted about taking some of the past things that men have said to me and still apply it to my self esteem?
Well, a couple months back I met this boy and the whole situation is one where I really wasn’t in a place that I should be, but I was also really lonely and I hadn’t been kissed in over a year.
So I met this boy (he was really a man) and he did kiss and things went further than that as they normally do when you are in the wrong place, but there was moment when we were “together” that he whispered the words “You have nothing to be insecure about.” to me.
I think about that all the time. Here is a man who didn’t know me. He didn’t care about me and we never saw each other again. (Really not proud of this story, definitely before I went back to church, but my blog is a place of truth) Why would he say that to me? He had nothing to gain from that and it’s not just a passing thing to say, in my mind at least.

He thought I had nothing to feel insecure about, and even though I know I won’t ever get rid of my insecurities, in a way he is right. Because the grass isn’t greener. The gym personal trainer was insecure about being too skinny, I’m insecure about needing to lose 20 lbs.
I wouldn’t suddenly have a boyfriend or be respected at work or have my bachelors if I lost 20 lbs. Things would probably be the same.

Anyways, just some thoughts.

What I’ve learned from working out…

One of the things about people in Orange County is that they have all these healthy hobbies.
Like if you ask them what their hobbies are they say something like biking or running.
They actually think running is fun. And they have like clubs of them just running.
Here’s the thing about running: There’s no reason to run ever unless someone is chasing you.

So, about two months ago I started working out.
Which is actually a big deal for me, because I have never wanted to workout ever.
And I have been really consistent. I have been working out for an hour and five minutes almost every single day.
And after working out consistently for two months, I can now sprint for about 10 minutes and 22 seconds before my throat gets that brick in it and you feel like your dying.
I can also burn close to 400 calories in 35 minutes.
Brag.

Now, according to my rule about running, that means that if someone was chasing me, I would have 10 minutes and 22 seconds of head start on that guy.
But we would have to figure in adrenaline. So we will give adrenaline about 5 minutes and 56 seconds of running as fast as I can.
Then again we would have to think about what shoes I am wearing. Which could be anything.
So, I will take three minutes off for that.

Basically if I were in a horror movie and I strangely ended up outside in my pajamas barefoot investigating a noise of someone’s head being chopped off, there would be about 13 minutes and 18 seconds of film where I am just running as fast as I can.
Then there would probably be a scene of me walking it off. Then passing out.

Yeah…

Uh, Impressed yet?

More thoughts on being sick, cause it’s obviously never going away.

I’m still sick. What. The. Hell.
It’s been three days! I’ve been napping a lot and taking tons of Vitamin C. My nose is super chaffed. That should do it. This is just starting to get ridiculous right now.
Objectively I feel very suspicious of myself. Like when I was little and used to try to drag out being sick for as long as possible so my mother wouldn’t send me to school.
If I didn’t know how horrible I was feeling right now, I would be very suspicious of myself. That maybe that’s what I am doing. But again, that wouldn’t make sense cause I go to work sick anyways.

There are other things that need to be taken care of though, besides work, that I just completely blow off while I am sick.
For example: I don’t really feel like eating while I am sick. Something about trying to stick things down my throat which is hurting super bad just doesn’t appeal to me.
Plus, I think being congested turns you off from the idea of eating as well. I mean, you can’t taste the food, but also you have so much weirdness going on near your face area that it just feels like eating wouldn’t work out.
Now, this can be really nice since I am always trying to lose weight, but it also makes you feel weaker and it makes every head ache even worse.
So I am finding I have to force myself to eat while I am sick, which eating when you really don’t want to is always fun.

Another thing, I think it is pretty natural that most people don’t shower as often when they are sick. It’s hard to want to shower every freaking morning when you feel like crap.
But I don’t brush my teeth also when I am sick.
Now I am sure you are sitting there going

Ewww, you haven’t brushed your teeth in 3 days? That’s gross.

Really?
As gross as putting my toothbrush in my bacteria infested mouth? Then the next day it can get all over my freaking toothpaste when I go to brush my teeth again? Does that sound less gross to you?
Why should I have to spend $10 on a new toothbrush and toothpaste just because my body is incapable of protecting itself?
Plus, I am not really trying to impress anyone with my smile as I lay around feeling miserable.

My point is, it’s been three days and good health does not seem to be on the horizon. I don’t feel any better, so it’s obviously going to last forever.
Plus, when I blow my nose my ears get all clogged up and need to be popped, like we are driving through the mountains.
Plus plus, last night a bug bit me on my arm while I was asleep. Does that seem fair to you?

Ugh. I’m dying.