I’m at a point in time right now where life just seems really long and really hard and really lonely.

I have been feeling it for a couple weeks now and the typical things I use to comfort myself aren’t doing it so much for me anymore. When they are comforting, it’s just temporary.

I don’t really have a direction for this post or even had a ton I wanted to say, I just wanted to write down my feelings, because I am having them again very strongly tonight.

I know I will feel better after reading my scriptures and this reoccurring feeling that will pass over time. Kind of like a slump, but it is one I’ve had for the past while and I just can’t shake it. It’s a waiting for it to pass thing and I just wanted to talk about it.

That’s all.



So, last night I was talking to this guy who happens to be interested in psychology as well and get this…he is actually going to use his psychology degree!
Didn’t tell him that I am farce who just studies psychology cause it’s interesting and not because I have any intention of using it as a career.

Anyways, we were talking about how to stay positive and happy with yourself.
I sent him the following video:

I actually read that guy’s book and didn’t even know he did a Ted Talk til recently, but I like the Ted Talk, because he is going to be way more direct in 12 minutes than 200+ pages.
Anyways, a little while back I started to do the suggestions in that video of writing down three things you are grateful for and journaling one positive thing that happened to you, but I only made it a few days.
He suggests 21 and now that I am thinking about it, I want to try that again because I have been kind of down, particularly yesterday, and since my blog is my journal, everyone else gets to join in on this.

  1. I am grateful for my knowledge of God and His plan of happiness.
  2. I am grateful for the Atonement and that I can repent of my sins. There is nothing better than the ability to feel clean again and removed of guilt.
  3. I am grateful that I can pray and feel close to my Heavenly Father

I feel like those are easy ones to be grateful for and probably similar to what anyone (at least who is religious) would say.
But I want to say them first, because they are the most important.

And the one positive thing that I want to write about that happened yesterday was that I feeling sick and had to come home early from work.
I was laying in bed feeling awful and frankly depressed as well. (I find not feeling well seems to be a big player in my mental state)
And I called our golden retriever to come lay with me and he is still a puppy so he is very busy.
Every 30 seconds he would try to find a new position to lay in instead of just laying down next to me.
Anyways, I just ended up laying in bed laughing with him, because he is such a wiggle worm.
It’s not what you would expect to be a positive experience, but he just makes me happy.

Just a reference picture for you.



Tonight I am sitting here reading some of the textbook for my psychology class and the book is talking about how you can properly calculate happiness when doing a study on it.
They gave a couple of different options, but one study done by The Gallup Polling Organization (look at me giving credit even though this isn’t an essay) just did their study by asking the following question:

Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally stand at this time?

I am curious as to what people’s answer would be.
My first thought was “Maybe I haven’t even reached the ladder yet.”
I think this is an easy answer for me to give, because it’s a cop-out for me to not having to sit and think about where I sit in my life right now.
I think it’s easier, since I don’t know how well I am doing and I feel like I am just trying my best, to think that maybe I haven’t begun to climb the ladder. Maybe I am just gearing up for my big climb at this point.

Obviously I am that polling company’s worst nightmare. Can’t even answer a simple question. Deflection.


I run out of things to put in the title of my blog posts, but the date seems good since it will never be this day again.

Also, I don’t really know what I want to say, but my blog has been on my mind the last couple of days and I feel the need to put up something.

My current state I would consider as “trying”. Last night I wasn’t so happy about things and tonight I am just exhausted. I am also only being texted/messaged by one person, which is a guy bragging to me about the size of his TV….yeah. For 20 minutes now. 

So, I’m just going to write three things I am happy for and one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours. 

This is something that is suggested to do when they teach psychology of happiness to people. Although usually for more than one day, but yeah.

  1. I am grateful for pillows and blankets. Since I am currently laying on couch cushions on the floor and even slept on the floor this week, I am grateful for having these luxuries that make it comfortable even for the floor.
  2. I am grateful for living close to family. I am currently living with my sister and her husband (and soon to be my nephew who is still at the hospital). This is such a blessing, despite the difficulties that may arise, because a year ago I was living in a place where I knew no one longer than a few months. There was no intimacy or closeness of any sort in my life and even just having them near is amazing.
  3. I am grateful for dogs, specifically my sisters dog Aspen. They are pure happiness and love.

(We nap together often)

And the one positive thing that I want to share that happened in the last 24 hours was me finding out that guy had a 120″ tv.

No, it would probably be just getting to come home in not storm weather and getting to spend time with my sister. It was simple and not a unique experience, but we had fun and with how tiring today was, it was good. 

I don’t know how to end this. Go team. 👍🏼

Dear Diary/Blog

I normally don’t address you as “diary”, but I thought I would change it up. In fact, addressing my blog as diary was what gave me enough push to post on here currently.
Maybe someone has noticed, but I haven’t posted on here in a minute and I have felt guilty about that.
I just haven’t had much to say until I got to call my blog diary?
I don’t keep a real diary. I have found in the past when I sit and talk about my days later on I would go back and tear pages out, because I would read it and think I sounded like an idiot.

“I’m in love with (past boy name) and he hasn’t responded to me in 48 hours.”

Who cares, Corrie? Not that boy and even 6 months later you don’t even care.

My blog has been exempt from that since on here I mostly talk about my feelings and perspective on the world or small instances that happen. There are no specifics and there is nothing to feel embarrassed about later on.
To date, I have only gone back and deleted or marked private about 3 posts, whereas, in past journals I have gone back and tore out half of the journal before finally throwing it away.
It turns out that my blog and spiritual journals are the only things I can write about in my personal life.

Anyways, it is hard to write on my blog when there really isn’t anything happening right now.
I mean, I moved in with my grandfather and got a job and that’s it.
Nothing else has really happened besides snarky conversations and a lot of Hallmark movies he watches while I sleep on the couch.
(The beauty of that sentence is you can’t tell which person is 85 and which one isn’t.)

However, I do find myself doing things that are different from what I normally would do by myself and if someone outside the situation asked, it seems like we are really busy.
Like my dad called my grandpa (his dad) tonight and asked what we were doing, the response was:

“We are taking apart this lamp to see what is wrong with it.”

It sounds like we are killing it and engineer/mechanics.
But in reality we were trying to change the bulb, so we unscrewed the stand and it looked like one of the wires had snapped. Then we took the whole thing apart and then threw it away.
We learned nothing.

Recently someone asked me how I was doing and I responded “fine” and they got all up in a knot about it.
But I am just fine. I’m not skipping down the road, but my shoulders aren’t slumped either.
Sometimes things are just fine and it’s not negative, it just is.

So, Diary/Blog, if any of you have something you would like me to talk about, please feel free to let me know.
But until then, I am still here.
Doing just fine.

With the Flamingos

So, it’s almost 1 am and anyone who has followed my blog for a while knows that this is when I am at my most profound.
Not really, but it is when I am haunted by my inner-most thoughts and end up writing about them on here. I would like to believe this makes for a good read, but in reality it just makes for a good release of the things pent-up in my soul.

I am also very poetic at 1 am, apparently.




Anyways, tonight I was watching Freaks and Geeks and most of the characters in that show have some sort of love interest, even though they are just in their teens.
I did not have that. I had crushes, but they were rarely people who I actually interacted with or were friends with me.
These characters seem to have that going for them. It causes them a lot of trouble, but the grass is always more interesting than your grass.

As I decided to go to sleep (which is really working out for me, if you can’t tell) I was laying in bed thinking about the idea of wanting a love interest.
So many times when you are an adult and you mention the idea of a love interest, you get the same answer or similar answer:

You should work on being happy alone first. 

This is something that I think about a lot, because I do usually want a love interest of some sort. However, I am very good at being alone at the same time. I take care of myself and pay my bills and get to work on time and I am fairly emotionally stable.
I am actually pretty successful as a human being alone.
I’m pretty sure wanting someone to love and being happy alone do not correlate together.

So, as I was thinking about these characters in the movie with their relationships, I noticed some of my pining that sets it apart from just not wanting to be alone.
As I was laying in bed, I was wishing that someone would be thinking about me while they laid in bed. I was wishing that someone would wonder or try to picture what I am doing at a random time throughout their day.
I was pining for someone to ache for me to be happy.
Now, when I say someone, I do not mean my parents or my older sister/best friend. I already know they want me to be happy and worry about me.

This was rather a deep ache I felt in my chest than just wanting to be in a relationship, because that would be really fun.
This was more than that and it often is. My desire to be in a relationship comes more from wanting someone to support me and someone who I can rely on.
I am mentioned it before to a couple of people, but I actually do get tired of going through some of the trials I do alone. It has nothing to do with not being able to or even being good at going through them alone, but it has to do with wanting support and a teammate.

To best explain my desire for love, I would like to explain something in a documentary I watched once. (Please note that all things I recount are from memory and may not be 500% accurate. It was called Love in the Animal Kingdom by PBS)
It was about love in the animal kingdom and examining different relationships animals have with their mates. The purpose was mostly to talk about whether animals love their mates, which of course they could not answer.
But one of the animals they talked about was the Chilean Flamingos, who actually mate for life. The males will do a dance of stretching their necks and moving around and when the females find a mate that’s dance matches hers, they will become mates.
The documentary talked about how they work together to bring up the chicks in this blistering hot environment. It talked about how this is where they mate every year and how temperatures were usually around 150 degrees Fahrenheit.

The documentary then went on to talk about other animals and their relationships with their mates, like lemurs and wolves. But the very last scene of the documentary was that blistering hot environment again, but it was empty.
The narrator explained that all the chicks had grown up sufficiently and all the birds moved on…except for two.
This next part was so moving that I actually took screenshots of it on my phone when I was watching it a year and a half ago. It took me 20 minutes to find the pictures.


It showed that one of the flamingos had gotten stuck in the mud and was unable to free itself. It would not be able to fly out of the heat or even move, it was going to die and right next to it was its mate.
Flamingos mate for life and so when the one flamingo got stuck, the other just waited with it. To the bitter end.

This is what I think of when I say I would like to be in love. Nothing about wanting to not be alone or not able to be by myself, but rather instinct.
The same that these flamingos had, to stay with someone and be stayed with til the bitter end.

Anyways, that’s just what I have been thinking about at 1 am tonight.


My Valentine’s Song (2016)

It’s been awhile since I have posted a Valentine’s Day song, but I am still single and I still have one.
Also, it’s been 4 years since my blog was started, but I stopped and started enough that it really isn’t a milestone.

Anyways, I am posting this is 2 am since I am currently in Utah visiting my sister and I am about to leave to drive home to Monterey, CA. (Where I live)
This is a 13 hour drive and I wanted to make sure that I posted it, because I missed some other posts that I am going to need to make up later.

I have thoughts about things that are happening, but I just haven’t written them yet.

(You’ve Haunted Me All My Life by DeathCabforCutie. You can listen to it here if you can’t see the player.)

This is my song about my love life since I have always felt like my other half was a part of me.
Some of you may remember when I used to write letters to him here on my blog.
I miss him and it feels like he is a part of me that I can feel constantly.
Which may sound weird, but the song explains it very well.

Anyways, here are some of my past Valentine’s posts if you are interested in a Valentine’s read from someone who has been single for 5 Valentines and is okay about it. Mostly when I read them over, I think they are really funny and I’m sure you would love them all.
Last year I pretended to be your Valentine, which was fun.

Left Over Valentine’s Day Hearts (2011)

Oh Valentine’s Day (2012)
#candyheartrejects (2012)

My Valentines Song (2013)

Valentines and Stuff (2014)
Movie Quotes that Describe My Love Life (2014)

Hey Gurl (2015)

This is still my favorite Valentine’s Day card.


Supporting Character

So, I am a big believer in not comparing yourself to other people. That is huge.
Especially when it comes to your looks or things that could dramatically decrease your self-esteem.
However, I am not oblivious or immune. Other people do exist and their lives do cross paths with yours, which makes it hard to not take a look at what is happening there and what you are seeing yourself.

A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with someone who I have not seen in a while and this person was telling me all about their relationships with so many different people and the things that are going on in their life.
I could not help but think “Wow, none of that ever happens to me.”

~Let’s pause right here real quick, I am not writing this because I am unhappy. I am actually very happy with myself and the relationships I do have.~

When she was talking about all these different situations I realized that I had none of those types of people or situations in my life.

Fast forward to today where this has been on my mind a lot. Today I have not seen or really talked to anyone all day besides a few texts that I have sent.
I have mentioned before that for the most part I live alone and outside of work I spend a good amount of my time alone.
But I am happy. I am excited about my day today and the things I have accomplished. I am also happy with my life even though it is alone for the most part.
There are many people who love me and I love them and I do many things, not important things, but still many fun and good things.

So, as I was sitting here trying to think over how this situation plays together and what this means. I ended up at the same conclusion that I have before in the past, although maybe not as direct.
What if…I am just a supporting character?
If life is one huge story being written and I don’t feel that I am the main character of the story and the things I do really impact the story as of yet, maybe I am just a supporting character.

The person who comes and trains/teaches the main character. Or the quirky coworker who changes her hair every few weeks. Or maybe the girl at church who is always there trying to be involved, sometimes too much.
The person that silently supports the character or adds a little detail to the story, but is there for moral support.

I once gave a lesson about how there is strength in being a support to your family and to people who are doing hard things.
That just because it isn’t about you does not mean that you do not play a role.

So, when someone texting me how I was doing today, I told them I was having a great day! I worked out this morning. I went to target and bought yogurt and snap peas. I swept my bedroom and did some laundry. And I painted my nails red.
What a great day!
Not a relevant day, but a great day!

Something that has been on my mind a lot has been how to live an ordinary life and maybe part of that is being a supporting character to all the people around you.
Being that one important moment and then afterwards you do other things until you have your next important moment, either by yourself or with others.
I’m trying to learn to live this ordinary life that I have and I am definitely working to be happy with it.
And that’s all I wanted to say.

(Do you realize? by The Flaming Lips. You can listen to it here if you can’t see the player.)

Welcome to 2016

So, it’s been almost 8 months since I last posted on my blog. In fact, my blog was hidden from the world during that time. I had it marked private and I even was considering deleting it altogether.
I had this moment last year (which the beginning of last year was not a good one for me) where I suddenly was afraid of how public I was on the Internet and I decided that I needed to remove myself altogether. I was worried about things I may have said that weren’t the best to say, so I decided I was done with my blog.

Now, I wasn’t having a good time at the beginning of last year. I was very unhappy and my mind was in a very dark place. Which means that every situation I looked at was very pessimistic.
Suddenly my blog was going to be a source of horrible situations from people who don’t know me who might misinterpret what I had said.
So, I deleted my Twitter account and marked my blog as private so only I could see it.

My 2015 got significantly better though in the last 5 months of the year and yesterday I had the overwhelming need to write again. I have always been a writer and I need to write to express myself.
I have been thinking a lot about stories I wanted to write previously and things I was wanting to express, but I did not have any thoughts about acting on these.

Then yesterday it was all of a sudden that I needed to have my blog again. I needed to be able to write on my blog and to have a record of my thoughts and a medium to express myself.
Luckily I didn’t dwell on it and just sprung into action! (Which sounds a lot cooler than me just sitting at a computer working through getting my blog back public and my domains fixed.)

So, here I am at my blog again.
Life is still weird, but I am a lot happier about it. We have all broken the threshold of 2016 and are all on the adventure of the first day of it.

My 2016 hasn’t been so crazy. I counted 5 coworkers yesterday who told me in one way or another that I seemed like a “wild” person and seriously asked me to be safe last night.
Little did they know that I was sick and the craziest thing I did was buy some pizza. I fell asleep at 8 pm and was not conscious in 2016 until 5 am when I had to go to the bathroom.
The first thought I had in 2016 was not “Happy New Year”, but actually

I wonder if there is a Black Widow in my slipper.

I know such wild party tales are something you only see in movies, but I am actually going into 2016 with a huge sense of optimism. Things looked up at the end of 2015 and I am so excited.

Also, there as no black widow. That was just something that I saw in a documentary once and returns to my brain in half-conscious early morning bathroom walks. Also, if there is a snake in the toilet, another thing I saw in a documentary that I think about when I am not fully functioning.

Anyways, 2016 is going to be weird (this is a reference to my blog title, because I am corny yet honest in my labeling) and I am pretty excited about it.