03/30/2017

One thing I have been doing lately when I go to blog is actually changing the names of my older posts to be the date it was written instead of whatever clever title I decided to come up with at the time.
My thought process behind this is that those days only occurred once and having a blog for 6 years now it has become more of a record of where I have been and my thoughts as a person, as opposed to me trying to be clever or entertain someone with a title.

Anyways, it is funny to go back in time and be looking at these blog posts that I was writing back in February of 2011.
First of all, I was a lot more eager to write on my blog back then than I was now. I remember when I first started it up I had so many thoughts I wanted to write on the blog that I was actually trying not to post too many times in one day.
As I am re-naming my posts, I am seeing days where I posted 3 times in a day!
I don’t know if we can chalk that up to eager, late teenage enthusiasm or just that now I am busier, but these days I am always thinking about things for my blog and then they never quite make it over to it.
We are looking at a post every 3 weeks if we are lucky.

But the other thing that really struck me was finding this post that I wrote back on 02/18/2011.
6 days after my 19th birthday, which is so crazy that here 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days (I did use a calculator for that) I would still be blogging.
Anyways, in that post I am talking about changing a CD in a rented truck in the middle of the night.
I remember that night and seeing that other car while I was trying to change the CD. I can’t remember why I was out in the middle of the night, but I do remember sitting there trying to change out the CD.

The thing is that now I don’t even stay out that late. In fact, I get tired at 8 o’clock and am usually in bed by 11 at the latest.
There are no midnight CD changing runs now.
I have gotten older and it’s crazy to look back and see that.

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You’re attractive, because I’m an adult.

So, it’s the night before I go home for the first time after moving.
And what am I doing?
Cooking pizza and blogging.
I also had my first class tonight, which I loved since I finally had an outlet where I could sit and say things without having to filter myself as much like I have to do at work.
(Today I was told I can’t say the word “whore”. And I wasn’t even talking about a co-worker or someone in particular. What?)
But anyways, class is kind of like a blog where I can just talk and get things out, except in class they give me a topic and people give me feedback.
Which I slightly wish my blog was like that.

Anyways, another thing I have been noticing lately and tonight was where my attraction lies.
The other night I went to the movies and as I was watching the movie I found one of the actors to be attractive.
The significant part is that this actor was in his early 40s. Not one of their early 20s where it’s obvious you are going to think they are attractive. That’s why they were casted.
But this guy was one of the main characters that was in his 40s. Then there was another guy in his 40s in the movie that I found attractive.
Oh Wow, but they are actors, so you know, whatever?

Well, then I went to class tonight and I am always the youngest person in those classes.
They are classes designed around people who work full-time and who already have children. I don’t have children, but I do work 50 hours a week. Not a lot of twenty-something year olds do that.
So, I’m usually the youngest.

I walked in and there were some pretty attractive 40 something year olds too.
What is going on?
They were both married and I…don’t exactly know how to flirt with men?
The point is what I find attractive has actually changed. I no longer easily find an early twenties guy attractive.
In fact, when I look at some of the guys my age, I just really see a bunch of kids.
What is that?
Also, what does this mean?

I will tell you what it means: nothing.
Regardless of whether I am attracted to older established men or mineral rocks.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 2 years and I am not seeing a boyfriend in the future, nor am I planning on one. In fact, I actually plan as if I won’t have one.
It’s been a long time.

But you know what I do have?
This:

DiGiorno

Yeah, that’s DiGiorno.
And it’s stuffed crust. And I will probably eat it all, because I have not eaten in 11 hours.
Also, this is a timeless love.

(Later Edit: I couldn’t finish it.)

Cause time and stuff.

Do you ever stop and look at a few things in your life and realize how changeable you are?
I am hella fickle.
I am consistently making decisions in my life and thinking “This is the way it’s going to be forever.” and then a year or even two years later I am changing it.

There are a couple of things that I think about that I thought for sure I would be married to and now I have no feeling toward it.
Some are superficial things like my car or the way I do my make-up, I want to change this.
Other are big things like deciding I was going to major in Psychology and now realizing I belong in tech. Or even bigger, thinking I don’t believe in God and then now realizing I do.

On the one hand I feel like this is a good thing. It implies that I am progressing. I am making strides in my life and consistently growing as a person.
Refining myself if you will to where one day, most likely the day I die, I will finally be the person I have always wanted to be.
Each day and each month I get closer to this goal of being a good person, being the best person that I can be.
It also shows experience. That I am learning new things and when I gain more experience with life as a whole, I change.

But on the other hand, when I realize that I am consistently changing all the time, it makes me a little wary of my decisions that I am making.
I mean, will buying Ray Bans today make me happy six months ago?
Will the things I declare on my blog or even to other people today be what I would want to be my opinions six months from now?
Or a year from now?
I can clearly never get a tattoo.
What if I got a pineapple on my butt and then six months from now I marry a guy who’s allergic.
Damn.

It’s confusing.
I know that the changes I make are for the better. When I look retroactively at my choices, they usually seem stupid or I just didn’t know enough about myself or the world.
But it still makes me worry.
I mean, when I was 19  years old I thought I was so mature and so ready to take on the world.
Now, three years later, I can’t believe I trusted myself with a bank account.
And that makes me wonder about myself.
I mean, right now I feel like I have it all together, but would 25-year-old Corrie think that? What about 35-year-old Corrie?
She probably thinks I am out of control.

I just want to make good choices.
But whether a choice is good or not is all perspective based and not factual.
And I just plain don’t know.

 

Natural Questions, I guess?

So, last month I turned 22 and I also had my third year anniversary on my blog. I didn’t say anything about it, but yeah.
Been blogging for three years now.
Yes.

Anyways, now that I am yet again a year older, you realize how old you are getting.
I mean, I’m not old. I am 22.
I am old inside, but on the outside and in terms of when I am going to die, not that old.
It does however make me feel like I am very old. I think mostly, because I can remember very specific things that I used to think when I was 10 or younger. I remember very vividly thinking about when I would be grown up and what I would be like.
Natural thoughts.
Who am I going to be when I grow up? What will I look like? What will I do?

But I have recently realized that I did grow up.
As much as it may not feel like it, I already did that. It was done.
So,  the more I think about how I just went ahead and grew up when no one was looking, I begin to have one burning question in my mind:

Do people look at me and think I am an adult?

I mean, I don’t look at me and think I am an adult now.
I can look at a picture of me and think “Wow, look how young I am.” But I don’t look in the mirror and think “Wow, look how old I am.”
So, are people looking at me and thinking that I look like an adult or do they still see me as a child?
I do childish things forever. I’m a silly person.
And sometimes I am immature.
But at the same time I did grow up, so what is that?

Another question that I have been wondering since I am now a semi-adult.
Am I sexy?
Maybe that’s a weird question, but the other day I went to get a massage (Don’t laugh, I’ve got stress) and naturally I had to take off my shirt and bra and lay on my stomach so she could rub my back down.
And I started to wonder, if this was a man would there be any appeal to doing that?
Maybe that’s a weird question, but I have never thought of myself as a sexy person, but I also never thought of myself as an adult.
So, now that I have grown up despite myself, I wonder if I got sexy a little bit too?
Or if I am still the same.

If someone could answer these questions real quick, that would be great.

Now that I’ve ‘grown up’…

You know when you encounter someone who is just not someone you ever wanted to encounter?
Someone who everything they do just makes you want to say:

Hey, could you be a little more repulsive? I’m not quite fully disgusted with you yet.

And all you want to do to this person is just tell them off and let them know exactly what you think about them, because they clearly have no issues telling you what they think about you.

There is this guy who is just so disgusting to me. And not in a gross way, just in a jerkish way.
Every experience I have had with this person just makes me cringe inside and sometimes he will do something and I will verbally go “Ugh” and just shake my head.
Seriously, I strongly dislike so many things that this person chooses to be.
And then I told this person this.
Over and over.
How much I didn’t like them. How much I wished they would just leave me alone.
And yet they still kept talking to me. Kept trying to be around me.
Until months later when once again I told them to just please leave me alone in the most respectful way.
I told this person that I just don’t think we should ever, ever talk with each other.
And this person told me: “I don’t think you really know me at all.”

This is one of the those moments where I realize that I have become a grown up.
Because instead of holding on to all of the gross things this person has said to me and remembering how hurtful this person has been, I started thinking about how I probably didn’t know this individual.
I end up thinking about how this is a person who has hopes and dreams and feelings. And that I probably hurt them just as much as they hurt me and it probably seemed really unwarranted to them.
That this person probably doesn’t realize that they have been a total jerk-off and instead it just seems like I was just venomous for no reason.
Dammit, that sick bastard probably has a mother who really loves him too.

So, instead of just moving on, I find myself apologizing to someone who I just told yesterday to go away.
And I am eating crow to someone who probably doesn’t even care either way about me or the things I said.

I find this part of my morality and guilt tripping of myself to be completely annoying.
But then I wonder if it really is annoying or just a sign maturity. If I am growing up and becoming a better person? Obviously.
And then the next step would be never saying anything to someone like this? Just to keep my cool.

I don’t know. I guess a person’s a person and they deserve to be treated like one, even if you don’t get that same treatment back or really anything out of it.

This is adulthood?

Another first time in my life.

Remember this? Probably not, I didn’t have subscribers back then. But I have had another first. I just got asked if I have met someone. First time ever.  A family friend came over and asked if I have met someone. It was so shocking I had to ask if she meant a guy. I feel so old with these questions about whether I’m married or whether I have met someone. I’m growing up.
Again, I had to post it. It’s another milestone.

Failing at Life and Stuff.

 

I couldn’t think of a first line for this post, so I’m not putting one. Basically in a nut shell, up until around 2011 I didn’t have any real friends. In all seriousness. I went 18 years without really finding anyone my age who was someone I would call a friend. Maybe somewhere in the memories of before I was 6 I had one. Like a nurse at the hospital, but as best of my knowledge, I’m a loner.

This is something people don’t really guess about me, seeing as I’m so outgoing and so friendly. So I decided that 2011 was going to be my year where I break out and make some friends. So I went to the Singles Ward and that was that. How is that working out for me? It’s really freaking hard. There have been a couple of times where I have just broken down crying because I didn’t know there were so many freaking rules to having friends. I feel like I’m offending people left and right. It’s ridiculous. So I’ve narrowed it down to the 4 main reasons why I’m having a hard time.

  1. I’m too Impulsive – The fact of the matter is, I’m not one of those dip your feet in people. I jump straight in or I don’t want to swim. Or at least that’s how it is with friends. I want to go all in with friends, but most of the time you have to take it slow. Court them a little bit before they want to commit to friendship. That doesn’t work for me. I know if I want this to happen, I don’t want to beat around the bush.
    It’s probably a great thing I’m not a guy, cause it’s sounding like here that I’d be a One Night Stand kind of guy.
  2. I don’t know what to say – With people I have this habit of saying things that I don’t mean or that I worded wrong to where it becomes an issue. Example “So cruel. And yet so typical for you.” This is step one, the second step is they get upset, then the final step is I don’t know what to say to make things better again. So a lot of times I just try to give up. Why? Well I’ve always been a terrible person and comforting people. So I end up breaking it and then I can’t fix it.
  3. I have different expectations than….everyone – Have you ever had that moment where you are frustrated that someone did something and then you always get that really annoying person who says “Well what would you do in that situation.” The only problem with this is, when I think about what I would do, it’s always super different from what everyone else said they were going to do.
    That’s not the only thing though. I just think I misinterpret what people mean because once again I’m different. For example, when Nate subscribed to my blog, I honestly truly thought that meant he wanted to be best friends. I thought he wanted to chat and bond and what not. But instead he just wanted to…..subscribe to my blog? What the heck? When I subscribe to people I do it because I want to be best friends.
    Or how I just barely started talking to a friend of mine again. So now that we are friends again, I just think that automatically means we are right back where we were at the height of our friendship. What am I missing here?
  4. I hear I’m eccentric – The term more commonly used is “weird”. This term can be pegged for a number of reasons, which I don’t feel like stating. Let’s just say I feel sometimes I’m too much for people.

 So basically I have made a lot of friends, but I’m having trouble retaining them. It’s a problem.