07/17/2017

I’ve really missed my blog lately. I’ve been running so crazy that I couldn’t even think of anything to write about on here.

I mean, I haven’t even done my make up in like a month, let alone written on my blog. That is just not like me.

Actually, it is like me. I’m very inconsistent with my blog over the weeks, but over the years, I have been killing it at this for almost 6 and a half years.

Anyways, the last couple of days there has been some lyrics from a song stuck in my head:

All will be well

Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself

All will be will

You can ask me how, but only time will tell.

This has been coming to my mind since there have been a few situations recently where things haven’t panned out and the aftermath leaves you just trying your hardest to manage.

In other words, trying to keep your head and then keep it above water.

But I just like the words of that song about how even after breaking promises to yourself, which I have done quite often, things will get better after time.

And that is comforting to me right now.

(All Will Be Well – The Gabe Dixon Band)

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Broccoli? Really?

Okay, so it’s 2014.
I was going to write a 2014 post, but honestly no body has time for that.
There is really only about a three-day window in which someone could write a 2014 post. It can only happen sometime between December 31st and January 2nd for it to still be relevant.
If I wrote my New Years Post right now, it would just be old news.

That being said, resolutions.
I grew up in a very driven home. My parents were always sales people and customer service type people who had ambitions.
So, every New Years we would have a family meeting where we would all sit down and write-up our New Years Resolutions by category:

  1. Personal
  2. Financial
  3. Social
  4. Religious

Or something like that.
We basically broke it down to all the different types of goals we could possibly have and then we would go through as a group what our goals were and what we were going to  be doing that full year.
So, pretty much trained in how to make resolutions and such.

But last year I did not make any resolutions. I did for 2012, but I did not for 2013.
Why?
Because after living on my own for a year during 2012, I learned that if I am not doing something already, it’s just not going to get done.
Like losing weight.
I know I have mentioned this before, but I used to be 275 lbs. And I made a resolution every year to lose that weight.
But it wasn’t until last year that I actually really started losing it.
I have found that I am a very driven person and I am going to do what needs to be done. But it has to be done on my time.
And even though I may right down that I want to do it in a year, that’s not my time. That’s just a time that seems good.
My time is when I choose.

For example, I have written tons of resolutions to eat healthier.
That’s great.
But then all of a sudden yesterday when I was making my lunch, I chose instead of chips to bring to work, I brought broccoli.
And objectively I thought

What the hell, Corrie Kartchner? 

Who brings broccoli to work who isn’t on a diet and forcing themselves to bring it?
Who just wakes up one morning and says ‘I really could use some more broccoli in my life’?
The same thing happened with breakfast. I started eating an apple every day for breakfast with my toast. That’s…fun.
I was just hoping for more apples and broccoli in my life.
What an f’ing weirdo.
Except we are talking about me right now.
And objectively I’m weird.

So, that’s where we are in 2014.

Oh Dear

Yesterday I was kinda depressed a lot.
Every once in a while I get the feeling like my life isn’t progressing at all. That everyone else is out living their lives and doing amazing things, but I’m just at a stand still watching them. I’m not moving forward and I’m possibly moving backwards during this process. Like I’m standing still on one of those airport flat escalators going the opposite directions.
Not progressing at all.

It’s hard when other people try to convince you that you are progressing despite the fact that you feel you aren’t. Like yesterday I went to talk to my mother about my feelings, cause mother’s normally like hearing children’s feelings, and her reply was that I was in school and working, what more progression did I want?

I suppose it is just hard for other people to understand when someone feels this way. Yes the fact that I am in school and working makes it seem like I’m moving forward, but imagine what I see.
I see all these hopes and dreams I have that I’m not accomplishing. Some of them I seem to have a ton of conditions attached to them, like “OH! I’ll do that when I’m older.” or “I’m gonna do that when I have more money.” Which makes them a little bit more appealing and makes me feel a little more annoyed with my lack of accomplishments.
But at the same time, those conditions are there for a reason. You can’t always throw caution to the wind and follow all of your dreams at the same time, sometimes you have to wait. Dangit.

I know that other people probably feel this way sometimes. In fact, I’m almost sure of it. Because yesterday when I told my Father about these things, he told me he feels that way sometimes too. Then he took me out to eat to help me feel better.
He’s a kind man.

Anyways, I just felt like writing down some of these things and I knew that someone would relate a bit. I suppose there is always  a small bit of comfort in knowing that someone else is feeling the same as you are.
That’s why group therapy is so freaking popular.

I’m sorry, What the hell just happened?

When did WordPress start making posting goals for me? Are these to be enforced? I really do not want any goals. It might make me look accomplished.

And what the hell kind of quote is this to inspire me?

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

I’m feeling rebellious right now and a little invaded upon.

That is all.

I bought a Piggy Bank tonight

I’m so freaking excited.

I always wanted a piggy bank when I was a little girl. ALWAYS! I don’t know why but it just seemed like having a piggy bank would be so much fun. Dropping coins in a small slot? We could entertain children for hours. Plus, obviously I would keep better track of my money if I had a piggy bank. DUH! That’s science.
But I never got one.

Well a couple of months ago I saw Target selling them in all different colours and designs for only$9.99 + tax. It fill my little girl heart with joy! But for some reason $9.99 + tax seemed like too high of a price to pay for fulfilling childhood dreams. So I did not purchase one that week. I did promise myself that I would buy one the next time I got paid.

Well the next time I got paid came and went. And the next time. And the next. No piggy bank. My change kept being thrown in an old gift box and an old ceramic pot. Not to mention my back jean pocket. That is the perfect place for change. EXCEPT FOR A PIGGY BANK! Cause people steal quarters out of these places. That’s just life.

About a month ago, my travels led me once again to Target (as if I don’t go there every week) and I just so happened to be wandering around the store when I saw none other than the Piggy Banks. All of them, looking at me with such eagerness to be filled with my loose change. My littler heart skipped a beat and I picked out the one I wanted. But, as events unfolded, I did not purchase such a masterful bank.

Tonight I did though. I went to Target, walked straight back to the piggy banks, picked up the one that I had previously picked out, second guessed myself and picked out a new one, then purchased it for $9.99 + tax.
And magically enough, it was the most absolute fun dropping all my change into that small slot in the back of that pig and hearing it make a clink in its belly. I was so sad when I ran out of coins to drop in. Then I hid my pig, so no one could find it.

Recently I started to make goals that would require some hefty saving. Ugh, the things we do to fulfill our lifelong dreams and attain happiness. It’s disgusting. Anyways, part of my plan for saving this large sum was to take all my change in once a month to the Coin Star and then deposit the earnings into my savings. For this I would clearly need a piggy bank, because you have to spend money to make money. Anyways, I’m excited about this financial plan.

I would post a picture of my new-found brilliant financial friend, but then it would be easier for you to find it in my bedroom. And people steal quarters, that’s just life.

Out of My Element

I always find it interesting  how different people can be. I recognize and support the theory that no one can ever TRULY be original. There have been so many different people living on this Earth, that you are bound to have two people who are exactly the same. But maybe not. When I think about how many different ways a person can be different from another person, it seems very probable that each person is different in some way or another.

I haven’t felt like myself the last couple of days. Ever since I realized that I may not want what I think I wanted, I’ve been kinda lost. I don’t know what I want. My sister said that she didn’t agree with me feeling lost because of this. But the fact of the matter is, if I don’t know what I want, I have no focus. I can’t work toward something because I’m not sure what I should be working towards.
The whole thing is rather silly.
It would be extremely easy to just try to convince myself that I still want the thing that I did last week, but I just can’t go backwards like that. Now if I did achieve the thing I wanted before, I would be happy. Don’t get me wrong, that would still be nice. But it’s just not the thing I would go all in for anymore.

Having lost my focus on what I want has actually made me lazy. Now this is just a given, but I really don’t feel like doing anything. Cause what is the point? What ever I’m going to do, it’s not going to help me get closer to something. It’s not going to impress someone who I want to impress. It’s not even going to make me feel more accomplished. So really, what is the point?

These are all very destructive thoughts, which I am well aware of. I’ve been trying my best to reevaluate and refocus myself. It’s hard. I should have never lost it to begin with.

This Magic Moment

I hate this moment. The moment when I start to feel that what I thought I wanted more than anything, may not be what I want at all. And the worst part is this isn’t the first time I’ve had this moment.
This is always a scary moment for me. In fact, it fills my heart with dread. Because up until this moment, all I’ve thought about, all I’ve dreamed about, all I’ve talked about was this one thing, and now this thing might not be what I want.

I’ve told so many people about this thing that I wanted. I went on and on about it. I knew, KNEW I wanted this thing more than anything else. So what changed? I’m not sure.
I could just not be able to commit. Not able to follow through with something that I want now that it’s in my grasps. OR it could be too out there. Too hard for me to actually get and I’m just giving up. Or I could just be over it.

Either way, what now? What is my goal supposed to be now? Cause I really need to know.