04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

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Rue says No.

One of the “great” things that my grandpa, Rue, has gotten to experience since I moved in with him is all of my so-called dates that I go on.
I may have mentioned before, or at least thought about mentioning it, that any date I go on is either ridiculously bad or just okay.
There is never a good date and there is never really a second date.
And after each experience with a male, I come home or I come to Rue and tell him about what has happened, because we are best friends. (Whether he wants to admit it or not.)
These experiences usually get the same sort of response from Rue:

Man, times have sure changed since I was younger.

Now, maybe it’s social pressure, but I feel it’s important to point out when discussing dating and someone advocating for me in the dating scene that Rue does not think I am terribly physically attractive.
In fact, no one in my family thinks I’m crazy physically attractive except for me.
I can’t stop taking selfies of myself.

08/19/2016

But since the bulk of what it seems men look for in a woman is physical appearance, I feel it important to mention that my advocates are not advocating for me in that area.

One thing about Rue’s feelings towards my dating experience is that I am too nice.
He always is suggesting things that I should have done or said instead of what I actually did, because I am way too nice when on a date and take a longer time than he would to call someone out on the things they are doing.

Anyways, last night I had one of those moments with Rue and men that just made me smile to no end.
This was the extent of the conversation:

Me: So I wrote him a letter trying to be cute and he said ‘It was nice, but I was expecting it to be a joke.’
Rue: Did you say to him YOU’RE A JOKE!?

I was dying.
Not only because it was funny, but also because it’s just awesome to have such an advocate for me.
Also, I would call someone a joke when they bug me in any other situation other than a dating one, because I am trying to be nice.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes at myself)

But I wanted to write about this, because I want a record later on of the “advocation” and support I got from my grandfather.
And also how sassy and funny he was.

I got your number!

I feel like the last two years have been a huge learning activity in terms of dating and what to do about men.
Those of you who have been consistently reading my blog know this.
But all of these learning activities has led up to me becoming more and more relaxed in terms dating.
I am still not very good at it and this is why I have become relaxed.
Because when I am actively searching it out, it gets disappointing.
Expectations are not your friend.

So, I like to put out my thoughts on dating, not because I want to help anyone, more so I just like to write out my thoughts and this is like my public journal.
Recently I sort of gave a guy my number.
And by sort of, I mean this happened:

Brother Stapleton

First off, this guy was a lot cuter than he sounds in my description.
Second, if you were wondering if I am scared to walk up to a guy and give him my number, I am not.
However, anytime I have ever done this, it never really works out for me. So this time I wanted the guy to have my number, but I didn’t want the rejection that comes with him not texting me.
So, they can reject Brother Stapleton and it’s no reflection on me.
Right?
RIGHT?!

Well, I was sort of surprised Brother Stapleton was down for it.
Surprised the guy took the number from a random older gentleman.
But even more surprised when I got a text the next day.
My scheming plans work sometimes? What the heck with this?

So, I had been texting this guy and it really didn’t seem to be working out. He wasn’t that interested in me and was consistently telling me “I’m just saying words to you.” or admitting to not being into the conversation.
Okay, I don’t need someone to just say words to me. I would rather have someone actually engage with me.
And then it dawned on me: I don’t have to keep texting some guy who is not interested in me.

You are probably laughing at this point. “Duh, Corrie.”
No, not duh and I will tell you why.
First off, it can feel so amazing to have someone texting you. Even if it’s a guy you aren’t getting on with, to come back to your phone and find out someone had something to say to you…YES!
I don’t have anyone except my sister saying things to me and especially not guys.
I want to have a guy texting me and to have my phone light up all the time.
But not like this.
And yes, that’s a stupid realization to come to, but it was a realization.

The second reason this is not a duh to me is that so many times before in my life I have been so craved for a boyfriend that I would never openly be okay with just “Oh, we don’t click.””
If a guy seemed disinterested, I was going to make him interested!
I was going to text that heck out of him until he loved me, gosh darnit! Because I need a boyfriend so bad!
So, having a situation where I can openly go “Okay, he’s not interested. Oh Well.”
That’s a big deal to me! I am growing up and becoming more patient and crap!
This is awesome!

The point is, I am a bit proud of myself for being empowered enough to let go of trying to force myself on guys.
Just because a guy will text you does not mean that you will live happily ever after.  And it’s okay to decide you don’t see it.
Also, get your bishopric members to hand out your number.

I’m getting better at life and stuff!
You can’t see me wink.


(There is a song there. You can listen to it here.)

 

What I think when I look at old couples.

Okay, simple fact of life (Or at least my life) is that after you have been out of a relationship for a while, you kind of forget what that’s all about.
Also, you start to wonder if you have ever been in love. I remember at the time I thought I was so in love, but I personally do not remember the feelings that I was having or what was going on there.
It’s been 2 years.

Anyways, the other night I was driving and I stopped at a stoplight. I looked over to my right and I saw this older Asian couple in the car next to me. They actually had a really nice new car too.
But they were cute.
And I couldn’t help but think:

Has he loved her this whole time?

With a followup of:

Did he think she was the most beautiful woman in the world when they met? What about their wedding day?
Does he still think she is beautiful now?

Now, I obviously thought about this man’s thoughts on his wife since I am a girl and I don’t need to project her feelings, since if I was in that situation I would be in control of my own feelings.
Okay, I fully recognize that this is not what real life relationships are like where the man just fawns over the woman. And I realize that I was totally projecting my wishes on this couple and this is totally sappy.

But at this point, looking at existing couples and enjoying their happiness is where I am at.
I don’t mean to say that in a depressed way, but more of just saying it in general. I feel like I tried so hard with dating the last year that at this point I don’t want to try anymore.
I want to cuddle with my body pillow and pretend it’s a man who adores me. And I want to look at older couples and imagine they have been so happy growing old with each other.

This isn’t real life. This isn’t how things work, but I’ve reached a point where I do not remember the real life situations.
So I make them up.

I’m mentally healthy.

How to Not Get Attached and Live Your Life Alone.

Hypothetically once upon a time you were crazy about this guy for about four years. Just totally adored the guy.
And was very open about it.
Then after four years this guy told you “I never thought of you that way.”
Better late than never, I guess? You definitely didn’t cry a lot over that for long periods of time.
Then a few weeks later suppose you told this guy that you were having trouble being his friend after that whole situation and his response to that text was correcting your spelling?

Then, even more hypothetically, months later this person texts you to send you a Christmas card.
And you’re a nice person, so you thank this person but remind them that you are no longer friends.
So, this guy stops talking to you all together, but then proceeds to favorite every tweet you even post.
Then you thought “Oh, what if he misses me?”
Then he starts retweeting you and you text him in case he wants to talk or something. Then he brings up that he almost didn’t retweet you because you made a typo but he “let it slide.”
And in that moment you hypothetically feel so sorry for him and all you can do is shake your head and leave him alone again.
Then it gets to the point where he favorites four of your tweets within five minutes in one night.
Hypothetically that would suck.
Hypothetically what if that happened to you?

So, yesterday I went on probably my last date for a long time.
I haven’t been in a relationship in over a year and a half. My life has become a long string of guys that I went on a first date with once. Or had a meaningful conversation with once.
But in this time I learned how to “play the game” when dating. I don’t want to play, but it’s good to know the rules.

1. Try not to be the first person to text.
2. Never text someone if you haven’t received a response.
3. Never say you like them.
4. Don’t compliment them.
5. Flirt subtlely.
6. Nothing said on the first few date indicates anything.
7. Don’t start to like them until the 4th date.

Or pretty much just act like you don’t care at all. Don’t start to like them or get excited about anything, because it’s all really fleeting.
At least for me.

You see, going on dates is just a huge reminder that I’m different, possibly eccentric. Because experience has shown me if you don’t play this game, it doesn’t work.
But I don’t like going on a date and having a good time, but then trying to not look forward to a second date.
I don’t like not being able to text someone, because they have not texted me.
I don’t like that I have to stifle all my alien/Batman talk and try to discuss other things.
I don’t like when I can’t compliment people or have to wonder how they interpreted what I said.

The point is, I’m not having fun. That “hypothetical” story I told is not fun and dating is not fun.
So, just never mind.
That’s all.

Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Have you ever heard the phrase:

I fall in love everyday

I have heard this a lot and it makes me want to listen to DeathCab.
I remember the first time I heard it I didn’t understand how someone could fall in love everyday. Then I thought it sounded horrible.
Turns out it is.

You see, I am currently in the middle of a battle with myself.
I am so distracted by men right now.
I can’t help but want to be in some form of a relationship. It’s been over a year since I have even been kissed and I am just craving attention from men.
But not in a whorish way. Just in a dating way.
Which may still be whorish. I don’t know.

I want someone to date and give affection to and to tell me I’m pretty.
I want a male presence in my life.
I think a big portion of this desire comes from the fact that at my new job everyone is either married or engaged. Literally.
So, even though I have a ton of friends now and we all get along, can’t help but notice something is missing and I’m pining for it.

Yet on the flip side, despite my pining, the timing is off. This isn’t a good time for me to have a relationship.
I have so much to work on and focus on.
I have my new job that I am still not a permanent employee as of yet. I have my weight that I still need to work on. Still need to get more comfortable with my music and my art. I need to move out of my parents. I need to focus more on school.
Also, I don’t know what kind of man I should be looking for. And it’s been such a horrible year dating-wise. I mean, I am so sick of the emotional roller coaster dating seems to be. So, I feel like I should finish off the year without dating. Just close that chapter and start new next year.
This is what I want.

So, here is my issue, how do I stop pining for men and wanting someone to kiss goodnight.
How do I stop myself from talking about guys all the time and admiring anyone that walks by. Or when I come home at 3 am from a night out, wishing I had someone to text before kissing my pillow goodnight.
And most important, I don’t want to blog about men anymore.
How do you turn that off?
Because this isn’t actually as fun as you would think.

I’m not exactly sure how to stop myself from thinking about men when I already have enough in my life that should distract me from them.
But maybe it’s just like my diet where I literally have to stand there looking at what I want and think “No Corrie. You don’t need that.”

Again, You can’t see me shrug.

Remember cooties?

Remember when you were little and every single person of the opposite sex had cooties?
Yeah, we were kind of on to something there.

The last few months I have been trying to date a few men. You see, a few months ago things were going so well for me that I thought I might be in a position where I was ready to bring someone in on the great person I thought I was.
Then everything took a sharp downward turn, but I am probably still a great person. Just not feeling it as much.
The point is, despite it taking a sharp turn downward, I really did actually try to start dating.Not my best life choice.

Here is why cooties exist for children, because dating sucks for an adult.
You can’t tell people you like them. You can’t show emotion. People are demanding. You get rejected and you have to reject other people.
It’s just the worst.

But here is the thing, anytime I have talked to a guy, they tell me that it’s the worst for them as well.
What?
I think you always assume that as a girl you are having a bad time dating, because the guy has all the control. But then you find out that the guy feels out of control and the worst while dating as well.
Why does this have to be the worst for both parties?

I went on a date yesterday that just really didn’t go fully the way I wanted it to.
I went on a date yesterday and it kinda ended in an unsatisfying way. He didn’t make a move at all. I kept awkwardly bumping into him and sitting closer to him, trying to get him to hold my hand. I wasn’t even expecting a kiss, just a little hand holding.
Nothing.
Then this morning I ended up telling this person how much I like them, which in our society kills anything before it even starts. I know I wrote about how I don’t agree with it, but no matter how much I don’t agree with it, it is still how things go.
I break that rule all the time and it never works out for me.
I’ve eaten 4 donuts this morning.

Anyways, last night after my date ended in a way that left me feeling down, I was discussing it with a friend of mine who is a guy and I ended up saying that I just wanted to skip ahead past the part of finding someone, past the awkward first dates, the ‘do you want to not see other people?’ talk, the who says I love you first, meeting families and all that until you are just able to chill and enjoy each other.
You are both secure in your feelings and both just able to be with each other. And sleep together. Not sex, but sleep together.
That sounds amazing.
And when I told this guy friend about this small wish of mine, he replied saying that’s all he wanted as well.

But that’s not how life works. It’s complicated and emotional and lame.
And right now, for me at least, not worth it.
I’m too laid back to consistently be on this emotional roller coaster where I either end up getting completely hurt, pretending to be aloof or being the total bad guy.
That sucks for me.
Pass.

Also, I decided to not work at that company I wrote about the other day.
I was going to write a whole post about it, but long story short, they had an employment contract that would have given them rights to my blog, paintings and anything else I do.
Nope.

I am not as exciting as Hurricanes and I’m sorry.

So, my boyfriend and I broke up. Which is something that really isn’t the internet’s business, but I will still post it in a public way anyways. It’s probably because I am sad about it.

He told me that my personality just didn’t go well with him.
I have to say that was a relief for me. I mean, when a relationship ends you always worry that there was some huge problem with you that caused the demise. Luckily that was not the case here. It was just my personality that was the problem. No B D.

Then he asked me if I still wanted to be friends. Which left me a little confused on whether I was the guy or the girl in that relationship.
Hell No I don’t want to be friends with you. That is the worst idea ever. Stop that.

Here’s the thing that I am wondering, when did my personality start to be a problem? We had been dating for over 3 and a half months.
Usually I know within 2 – 5 encounters with someone who I don’t like their personality. Do people just wake up one morning and suddenly not like someone’s personality?

Last night he posted on Twitter that he needed to date someone who is like a Hurricane.

Hmmm. I’m sorry….What?
How can someone be like a hurricane?
You want to date someone who will…drown you? Someone who will shut off your power for two weeks?
I’m guessing he meant that he wants to date someone as intense as a Hurricane. The problem is, hurricanes are really freaking intense.
HEY! Maybe you should date a Taliban member? That’s what I would consider the human equivalent of a hurricane.

I’m very confused about this statement, but I am realizing that’s probably why he didn’t enjoy my personality. As a general rule I try not to be like natural disasters that ruin thousands of people’s lives. I’m very weird that way.

Anyways, I’m just bitter and Un-Hurricane like. So don’t listen to me.

Unrequited

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return…

I think I have successfully become bitter. So, allow me a bit of a pity post. 

I have heard people say many things along the lines of the quote above.  When I first heard something like this, I was appalled, but the older I get the more I sadly agree with the quote.

Last night I had a dream where every guy I have ever had feelings for came back for a second round. During this dream it confirmed to me that no guy that I have ever had serious feelings for has ever felt anything remotely for me in return. Ouch So that leaves me to believe that this was not a dream, but in fact a nightmare where each of these males returned to rub it in my face a bit. I prefer nightmares where someone comes and chops me up into little pieces and then sells them on Ebay. It just seems more practical and less hurtful.
Now maybe this dream was going to get better and I just didn’t wait it out long enough, but I woke up pretty depressed. And if anyone was wondering, yes I took a sleeping pill last night. Eh..

I once believed that there was no such thing as unrequited love. I remember thinking that if I liked someone so much, they would just HAVE to like me back. Silliness really.

It’s pretty obvious that emotional scars last a hell of a lot longer than physical scars.  Now in my brief observation and experience with relationships and love-type feelings, it is a good idea love the person less than they love you. The person who is more attached usually gets the short end of the stick.
The only problem is that you cannot measure how much you feel for someone and how much they feel for you. You can’t make a chart so you can compare and go “Yep, I need to tone down my affection.”

Sometimes I get pessimistic and think that romance is dead and I really never believed it exists. I imagine it’s something like luck or religion. If you’ve never experienced it and only watch other people enjoy it, it’s hard to believe in it. All you can really do is be happy it’s there and enjoy it for what it is to other people. 

I don’t really know where I was going with this. Thoughts?

Dear First Date, I love you.

Last weekend my younger brother who is 16 had his first date. It was a group date and it was with a girl that he has liked for some time. They had met on Facebook awhile ago through acquaintances in their high school and it was their first time meeting. So it was more like a blind date than anything.

Well, one thing about my young brother is that he gets really nervous and throws up anytime he has to do something like this. Which makes doing things like these extra exciting for him, I’m sure. Personally, I think that he is an aspiring bulimic. There’s no other reason why someone would throw up when their nervous.
I mean, I was excited and nervous for him and you didn’t see me throwing up all over the place.

It was actually really cute. My brother who is usually very serious and going through his jerky teenager phase wanted to make sure the date went just perfect. He worked around the house to raise extra money for the date and to get the car cleaned before he went. I was just touched because he asked me to help him pick out what to wear.

Anyways, at the end of the date he was walking the girl to her door and all of a sudden she tells him she loves him.
WOAH WOAH! Calm down.
My brother told her they can’t see each other anymore.

Why would you ever tell someone on the first date that you love them? Even if it is love at first sight or whatever, I wouldn’t say anything.  That just seems like a good way to come off as creepy. And even though I love being creepy because it’s funny, that’s just too creepy.
But seriously though, Yikes.

There have been times where I have met a male and immediately I felt strong feelings for him. I personally can tell if I’m going to be able to fall in love with a guy the first time I meet him. I run on first impressions in that area. Is it right? No. Will I change? Never.

What I’m saying is, even though you can feel those feelings, do not vocalize them. I think I have blogged about this before. The key to staying out of trouble is to not always vocalize your thoughts. I really need to blog about that again.

Anyways, I think we should put like a 3 date minimum on saying I love you. At least if you’re a girl. Guys can say it whenever the hell they want.