04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

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Rue says No.

One of the “great” things that my grandpa, Rue, has gotten to experience since I moved in with him is all of my so-called dates that I go on.
I may have mentioned before, or at least thought about mentioning it, that any date I go on is either ridiculously bad or just okay.
There is never a good date and there is never really a second date.
And after each experience with a male, I come home or I come to Rue and tell him about what has happened, because we are best friends. (Whether he wants to admit it or not.)
These experiences usually get the same sort of response from Rue:

Man, times have sure changed since I was younger.

Now, maybe it’s social pressure, but I feel it’s important to point out when discussing dating and someone advocating for me in the dating scene that Rue does not think I am terribly physically attractive.
In fact, no one in my family thinks I’m crazy physically attractive except for me.
I can’t stop taking selfies of myself.

08/19/2016

But since the bulk of what it seems men look for in a woman is physical appearance, I feel it important to mention that my advocates are not advocating for me in that area.

One thing about Rue’s feelings towards my dating experience is that I am too nice.
He always is suggesting things that I should have done or said instead of what I actually did, because I am way too nice when on a date and take a longer time than he would to call someone out on the things they are doing.

Anyways, last night I had one of those moments with Rue and men that just made me smile to no end.
This was the extent of the conversation:

Me: So I wrote him a letter trying to be cute and he said ‘It was nice, but I was expecting it to be a joke.’
Rue: Did you say to him YOU’RE A JOKE!?

I was dying.
Not only because it was funny, but also because it’s just awesome to have such an advocate for me.
Also, I would call someone a joke when they bug me in any other situation other than a dating one, because I am trying to be nice.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes at myself)

But I wanted to write about this, because I want a record later on of the “advocation” and support I got from my grandfather.
And also how sassy and funny he was.

What I think when I look at old couples.

Okay, simple fact of life (Or at least my life) is that after you have been out of a relationship for a while, you kind of forget what that’s all about.
Also, you start to wonder if you have ever been in love. I remember at the time I thought I was so in love, but I personally do not remember the feelings that I was having or what was going on there.
It’s been 2 years.

Anyways, the other night I was driving and I stopped at a stoplight. I looked over to my right and I saw this older Asian couple in the car next to me. They actually had a really nice new car too.
But they were cute.
And I couldn’t help but think:

Has he loved her this whole time?

With a followup of:

Did he think she was the most beautiful woman in the world when they met? What about their wedding day?
Does he still think she is beautiful now?

Now, I obviously thought about this man’s thoughts on his wife since I am a girl and I don’t need to project her feelings, since if I was in that situation I would be in control of my own feelings.
Okay, I fully recognize that this is not what real life relationships are like where the man just fawns over the woman. And I realize that I was totally projecting my wishes on this couple and this is totally sappy.

But at this point, looking at existing couples and enjoying their happiness is where I am at.
I don’t mean to say that in a depressed way, but more of just saying it in general. I feel like I tried so hard with dating the last year that at this point I don’t want to try anymore.
I want to cuddle with my body pillow and pretend it’s a man who adores me. And I want to look at older couples and imagine they have been so happy growing old with each other.

This isn’t real life. This isn’t how things work, but I’ve reached a point where I do not remember the real life situations.
So I make them up.

I’m mentally healthy.