04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

04/08/2017

So, I am going to go off on a bit of a rant here that I had to stop reading my textbook to go on. Starting now:

One of the things that is beat into your head when you are doing a slightly scientific major, which I consider Psychology as a slightly scientific major, in college is the scientific method of research.

A big part of the scientific method of research is that scientists will not research or study something that they cannot prove or disprove. Meaning, if we cannot prove that our theory/hypothesis on something is true and we cannot disprove it, we aren’t going to waste our time with it.
….except when it comes to God and religion.

“People return to religion … not as an act of faith but in order to escape an intolerable doubt…they make this decision not out of devotion but in search of security” – Erich Fromm

Okay, I am very religious.
If you have read my blog for more than a few posts, you will have noticed this about me. I am religious, it shapes most of my life, and it is something that I completely live by.
That being said, I am not trying to shove it down anyone’s throat or force anyone to be a part of my religion. I am into it, it’s okay if you are not.

However, I have heard many times in the news and in my life, scientists and people in the scientific community try to “justify” or explain the reasons why people should not be religious. Or even farther, that there is not a God.
They are entitled to their belief, but now after going through multiple classes on the scientific method of research, you are only entitled to that belief as a person.
Not as a scientist who would have to provide some form of evidence in order for it to be accepted by the community.
You, as a person only, feel that atheism is the only correct way.

Freud, the “founder of psychology” (who I just talked about having difficulties with, said this about religion:

“that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful
to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this
view of life”

Why?
Why is it that a way of living, that has not been proven wrong by science, is something that needs to be risen above?
And it’s even more comical of a statement coming from the man whose theory on life is there is only sex and death.
So, rise above religion as a view on life so you can only see sex and death too?
Cool.

I just wrote this, because I get frustrated with hearing scientists say that religion is bad and yet they can’t even prove its validity.
In fact, trying to even prove its validity goes against the core research tactics.
So…stop please. Or at least preface your statements on religion with the fact that your statements are not as a scientist or a psychologist, but are your personal opinions.

/Rant Over

04/07/2017

I find that most of my posts lately are about my thoughts on Psychology. This is probably because I am in my finally 10 classes and it’s all I read about.
But anyways, on with my psychological thoughts for today:

Being an adult, I have heard a bit about Freud. It started from the first time someone mentioned a Freudian slip, to the times that he has been brought up to where I looked up vague synopsis-es of his theory of psychology.
And every time I looked him up and read about his theories I thought I did not like them.

About a year ago I was thinking about Freud as the “found of Psychology” and thought I should probably actually find out what he was about since I had already decided I really didn’t like him.
I downloaded onto my phone all of his published works. (There were a few.)
I started to read them and got through the first volume, but the old English with scientific vernacular was too much for me, so I gave up before I even got to the good parts, like his theory.

But now that I am in the actual Psychology core classes of college, we are spending quite a bit of time studying Freud’s theory of personality, so I can finally make an educated decision?
Annnnnnd I hate his theory.
In fact, as the founder of psychology, I am pretty sure he has shaped our society in a huge, negative way.
So…not happy with him.

I don’t care as much about his theory of the mind and how it is made up, but what I don’t like is that in Freudian theory there are only two motivating factors in life or reasons why people do things: Sex and Aggression due to the desire to die.

Sex and death…that’s all there is. Everything else is just a manifestation of sex and death.

A very funny scene with Jermaine Clements in Dinner for Schmucks.

What. the. hell.

In the entirety of the human experience and mind, how is it possible that someone could think there is only sex and death? Even in infants, Freud found only sex and death.

I mean, if this is the foundation of psychology, no wonder we now have a society that is completely sex crazed and my generation cannot have a healthy sexual life, because they can’t balance between too much sex and complete abstinence.
But why am I a surprised?
Apparently there were only two options for what people do and the morbidity crazed are more taboo than the sex crazed.

You can’t hear my long sigh when I try to talk about it. The concept to me is just so ridiculous and dumb that I just end up throwing my hands up.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because I see it. I see how this one theorist was the founder of psychology and has shaped a society where sex is everything and those who can have sex with multiple partners are idolized.

It’s just a pity so much was based on his studies, because yes sex is great, but there is more to life than sex. And yes, death happens, but again there is more to life than death.
So, that sucks.
There is nothing more that I can say than it sucks.

04/06/2017

You should budget, they all said.
You should keep a close eye on your money, they all said.
Read Gordon Ramsey’s book, they all said.

I mean, this is something that has been said to almost every person as soon as they get a bank account. Not necessarily Gordon Ramsey, but the other terms are pretty common. My bank is emailing me about them all the time.

“Meet with one of our Bankers today! Overhaul your finances!”

I tried doing that once and it turned out that they could not help me with anything, because I didn’t have nice enough credit.
…which would mean I need a financial overhaul?
Anyway, who cares.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I started to really work on budgeting and balancing my checkbook using Excel.
It was something that the CFO of my old company used to have me do sometimes when she was too busy and then I though “Maybe I should do this in my own life.”
And so I started to and it did really help with budgeting and keeping track of how much money I have.
Better than any budgeting app that I have ever used.
My sister and brother-in-law make fun of me whenever I saw that I am going to balance my checkbook, but that’s okay. I don’t mind if I seem like a grandma.

However, the one downside to doing it this way is that a lot of times I will sit and look at my checkbook and budget for long periods of time.
I think this is similar to when you go to the fridge and just stare in it hoping to find something that you did not see before.
Since I am trying to get out of debt and have some big things I am saving for, I will just stare at my budget and checkbook for hours, looking over the different lines in it like I am suddenly going to see any money that I have missed in the previous hours.
This usually happens when I am at work doing something else like talking to a customer on the phone and I will be helping them, but looking at my budget.

I have taken a few steps back in my career, so I am definitely not going to suddenly find a bunch of money in my budget.
Even if I work an hour of overtime, by the time taxes are taken out, I will have like $5 more than I would have before.
But at the same time, I suppose it is not as bad as my coworkers who talk about video games for 8 hours a day, every single day.

Pick your poison.

04/01/2017

First off, I would just like to say that this is not about April Fools.
I don’t get those sorts of holidays now that I am an adult. In fact, I was never someone who was interested in pranking.
But I also don’t get pinching on St. Patrick’s Day. Someone brought up that I was not wearing green and I was going to get pinched. I told them that adults don’t normally pinch other adults.
That would be weird.
A few days later the same person asked me if I got pinched on St. Patrick’s…nope.

Maybe I am just weird, but the idea of pranking or pinching someone else in the name of a holiday seems a bit immature to me.
Pranking has never been something I was super into, I can do teasing, but pranking always seemed a bit more malicious than fun to me.
Also, the whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you thing” sticks in my head and I wouldn’t find it funny if someone pranked me in the way that is popular these days.

Am I just a stick in the mud who doesn’t understand holidays?
I wouldn’t say so. I still think Halloween and Christmas are great, but I have to admit the other holidays don’t really have much appeal to me at this point.
I am a single person who doesn’t live near any family but my sister and brother-in-law. None of us really have a ton of adult friends or go to any parties.
So, as you can imagine, holidays that are most just to get together with friends don’t really have a ton of appeal either.

Two years ago, two sisters that went to my ward put up an April Fools joke that they got their noses pierced.
They ended up getting in trouble with their mother. They were both adults though.
I guess I just wrote this post to complain about April Fools, because I don’t get it.
I never have and I probably never will.

03/31/2017

Lately I have been doing my actual major classes in college.
I only have a year and change left before I finally get my Bachelor’s degree. I may want to get an emphasis certificate after that which may add a year, but I will still have the degree.
I can finally check that box off when I go to apply to places.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes.)

I may have said it before, but unless you are going to have a specific career like medical, dental, accountant, or a scientist, the actual degree you get does not really matter.
Being someone who has had good job experience already and tries to find a job, I have found that most potential employers do not ask what your degree is in.
They just want to see that you have a degree.

This is why I chose to major in Psychology.
It is easy, interesting, and I will finally be able to check that box of having a Bachelor’s.
Also, I don’t think there is anything wrong with learning more about how people function.
Even when I was a teenager, my parents would have me read personality books so I could be more understanding of the people who were around me. It actually makes it a lot easier to interact with others.

Anyways, with our current political demands a lot of people will ask me that if I don’t care about my major and just chose an easy one, aren’t I upset to be paying so much money?
The truth is…not really.
I am okay with the cost of my education and the amount of loans I have had to take out, because yes I did have to take out loans.
This is an investment in my future, because I have been turned down by higher paying jobs that I am qualified for simply due to the fact that I do not have a degree.

And as for loans, I have had people telling me not to get student loans since I was 19 years old.
For the 6 years I have been going to college, because I am someone who works full-time instead of just straight going.
In my experience, people who are able to go to college without taking out loans are either one of three people:

  • Their parents paid for it.
  • They are better at saving than me.
  • They are more patient and willing to forgo classes til they have the money.

And that is all great.
It makes me think of the Princess Bride when Inigo Montoya and Wesley are dueling and Inigo says:

“I am willing to admit you are better than I am.”

I think it reminds me of that part of the movie, because Inigo is smiling when he says it, because even though Wesley is better, it does not change Inigo’s situation.
Not an exact comparison, but the brain makes the associations it wants.

I had to take out student loans, but if I take them out now and get a higher paying job, it puts me in a more stable position to pay them off.
Just like taking out an auto loan you intend to pay off.

Anyways, I am one of those dumb, roll-your-eyes psychology majors and I am almost done.

03/30/2017

One thing I have been doing lately when I go to blog is actually changing the names of my older posts to be the date it was written instead of whatever clever title I decided to come up with at the time.
My thought process behind this is that those days only occurred once and having a blog for 6 years now it has become more of a record of where I have been and my thoughts as a person, as opposed to me trying to be clever or entertain someone with a title.

Anyways, it is funny to go back in time and be looking at these blog posts that I was writing back in February of 2011.
First of all, I was a lot more eager to write on my blog back then than I was now. I remember when I first started it up I had so many thoughts I wanted to write on the blog that I was actually trying not to post too many times in one day.
As I am re-naming my posts, I am seeing days where I posted 3 times in a day!
I don’t know if we can chalk that up to eager, late teenage enthusiasm or just that now I am busier, but these days I am always thinking about things for my blog and then they never quite make it over to it.
We are looking at a post every 3 weeks if we are lucky.

But the other thing that really struck me was finding this post that I wrote back on 02/18/2011.
6 days after my 19th birthday, which is so crazy that here 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days (I did use a calculator for that) I would still be blogging.
Anyways, in that post I am talking about changing a CD in a rented truck in the middle of the night.
I remember that night and seeing that other car while I was trying to change the CD. I can’t remember why I was out in the middle of the night, but I do remember sitting there trying to change out the CD.

The thing is that now I don’t even stay out that late. In fact, I get tired at 8 o’clock and am usually in bed by 11 at the latest.
There are no midnight CD changing runs now.
I have gotten older and it’s crazy to look back and see that.

03/24/2017

I have been working at a new job in Draper for about 6 weeks now and it is actually one that I think I would be okay staying at for a long while.
I may die at this job and that’s okay.
I don’t necessarily fit in, but that’s okay too.

I don’t work out and this company has a full, huge gym in the building.
But one thing that I do while at work that just seems to baffle everyone is I like to walk up and down the stairs. My work has 4 floors and 6 flights of stairs and I try to go and walk up and down those stairs a few times a day.
Right now my goal is 5 times a day, because I have watched my Fitbit and one time up and down is 250 steps. So, if I were to go up and down 5 times in a day, it would be a 1000 steps. Which is a nice portion when you have a Fitbit. Also, I read online that walking up 3 flights of stairs burns 15 calories, so if I were to do it 5 times a day, I would have burned 150 extra calories without working out or putting on special shoes. In fact, it only takes me about 3 and a half minutes to walk up and down the stairs one time.
So far I have only been able to fit in doing it 4 times a day, but that still is 120 calories and pretty good in my opinion.
My goal would be to work up to being able to walk up and down the stairs twice in a row, which if I could do that 5 times a day, it would end up being 300 calories.

It is a bit lost on my coworkers though and the other people who work in this building.
There have been a couple of times when I have been walking up and down the stairs and someone will hold the door for me on a particular level. Sometimes I will be polite and go through the door and then wait til they walk away to go back to the stairwell.
Most of the time I will just smile and tell them it’s not might floor. I’ve had a couple of people look at me like I am the most weird person and say:

So, you’re just walking up and down the stairs?

Yep. I am that weird.
I walk up and down the stairs.
There have been a couple other times where it feels a little uncomfortable, like when I walk up to my desk afterwards all out of breath and it seems like I got that way from just two flights of stairs to the second floor.
Or I just imagine the people walking past seeing this chubby, out of breath girl trying to smile at them as she walks up the stairs.
Oh Well.
I usually don’t get crazy out of breath until I am on the last flight, funnily enough.

I have actually seen some benefit to this already in that my legs have been killing my all week just from walking up and down the stairs. The other night our puppy kept running over my calves when I was kneeling next to the bed and I about killed him.
Other than that, it makes me feel productive in some way without having to put forth the full effort of working out.
I have been trying to be more reasonable with myself and build up to certain goals. Like I switch my Fitbit daily goal from 10,500 steps to 5,500. 10,500 is awesome and I probably should be doing that, but I have yet to achieve it consistently and I would rather work up to it and give myself good, reachable goals that become indifferent to the goal because it’s too high.

Anyways, I walk up and down the stairs at work and people think I’m weird.

03/04/2017

Tonight I am sitting here reading some of the textbook for my psychology class and the book is talking about how you can properly calculate happiness when doing a study on it.
They gave a couple of different options, but one study done by The Gallup Polling Organization (look at me giving credit even though this isn’t an essay) just did their study by asking the following question:

Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally stand at this time?

I am curious as to what people’s answer would be.
My first thought was “Maybe I haven’t even reached the ladder yet.”
I think this is an easy answer for me to give, because it’s a cop-out for me to not having to sit and think about where I sit in my life right now.
I think it’s easier, since I don’t know how well I am doing and I feel like I am just trying my best, to think that maybe I haven’t begun to climb the ladder. Maybe I am just gearing up for my big climb at this point.

Obviously I am that polling company’s worst nightmare. Can’t even answer a simple question. Deflection.

03/09/2017

So, I know that I haven’t written on my blog in a while, but the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t had much to say.
I have still had conversations with people, but it is again similar to calling your parents and the first thing they ask is what is new?
There is no news.
But this is something I have thought about this weekend and again today. I know it’s something that I have written about on here before, but I have had my blog for 6 years now, so that is bound to happen.

The thought that I have been having mostly revolves around the idea of how people perceive me in that first 7 seconds that they see me.
I had a boss once when I was 16 years old who told me that people make their first impression judgement in the first 7 seconds that they meet you.
I have never taken the time to look up studies to confirm this, but this idea has stuck with me since that boss told me about it.
If I only have 7 seconds in the beginning to make that first impression, which many people say is hard to later get over, what do people in those first few seconds.

These are the two specific questions that come to mind when I think about that perception:

  • Do I look like an adult or a child?
  • Do I look like a girl?

Now, in today’s day and age, or maybe just in the popular media and Tumblr’s world, people supposedly aren’t meant to decide if you are a female or not when they first meet you?
I can’t speak for that, but I can speak for the fact that I want them to clearly see that I am a female.
Why do I sit and wonder about this?
Well, I mostly wear the same things everyday. There have been times, like at the beginning of the year, that I have thought that I should dress cuter or more feminine, but I always end up dressing the same and wanting to wear the same clothes.
I have found that when I do wear different clothes, I am always waiting for when I can change back into the basics that I wear:

  • High Waist Skinny Jeans
  • Plain T-shirt (Usually a mens, sometimes a V-neck)
  • Toms or slip ons (sometimes Tennis shoes)
  • Hoodie (if it’s cold)

That’s all I ever want to wear. I dress up every Sunday or when I am asked to, but that is it for style. And again, when I try to change what I wear, I just think about how much I wish I was wearing the basics again.

Anyways, a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs of my new job and at the top of the stairs was this man dressed in a suit.
And he looked good. He wasn’t particularly attractive, in case that is what you meant, but he looked snappy.
This is what I was wearing:

 

And when I walked past this man and we said Good Morning, I wondered if he thought I looked like a child.
Did he? We don’t know.

But this is a reoccurring thought of whether I look like an adult female or now.

That’s it.