03/30/2017

One thing I have been doing lately when I go to blog is actually changing the names of my older posts to be the date it was written instead of whatever clever title I decided to come up with at the time.
My thought process behind this is that those days only occurred once and having a blog for 6 years now it has become more of a record of where I have been and my thoughts as a person, as opposed to me trying to be clever or entertain someone with a title.

Anyways, it is funny to go back in time and be looking at these blog posts that I was writing back in February of 2011.
First of all, I was a lot more eager to write on my blog back then than I was now. I remember when I first started it up I had so many thoughts I wanted to write on the blog that I was actually trying not to post too many times in one day.
As I am re-naming my posts, I am seeing days where I posted 3 times in a day!
I don’t know if we can chalk that up to eager, late teenage enthusiasm or just that now I am busier, but these days I am always thinking about things for my blog and then they never quite make it over to it.
We are looking at a post every 3 weeks if we are lucky.

But the other thing that really struck me was finding this post that I wrote back on 02/18/2011.
6 days after my 19th birthday, which is so crazy that here 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days (I did use a calculator for that) I would still be blogging.
Anyways, in that post I am talking about changing a CD in a rented truck in the middle of the night.
I remember that night and seeing that other car while I was trying to change the CD. I can’t remember why I was out in the middle of the night, but I do remember sitting there trying to change out the CD.

The thing is that now I don’t even stay out that late. In fact, I get tired at 8 o’clock and am usually in bed by 11 at the latest.
There are no midnight CD changing runs now.
I have gotten older and it’s crazy to look back and see that.

03/24/2017

I have been working at a new job in Draper for about 6 weeks now and it is actually one that I think I would be okay staying at for a long while.
I may die at this job and that’s okay.
I don’t necessarily fit in, but that’s okay too.

I don’t work out and this company has a full, huge gym in the building.
But one thing that I do while at work that just seems to baffle everyone is I like to walk up and down the stairs. My work has 4 floors and 6 flights of stairs and I try to go and walk up and down those stairs a few times a day.
Right now my goal is 5 times a day, because I have watched my Fitbit and one time up and down is 250 steps. So, if I were to go up and down 5 times in a day, it would be a 1000 steps. Which is a nice portion when you have a Fitbit. Also, I read online that walking up 3 flights of stairs burns 15 calories, so if I were to do it 5 times a day, I would have burned 150 extra calories without working out or putting on special shoes. In fact, it only takes me about 3 and a half minutes to walk up and down the stairs one time.
So far I have only been able to fit in doing it 4 times a day, but that still is 120 calories and pretty good in my opinion.
My goal would be to work up to being able to walk up and down the stairs twice in a row, which if I could do that 5 times a day, it would end up being 300 calories.

It is a bit lost on my coworkers though and the other people who work in this building.
There have been a couple of times when I have been walking up and down the stairs and someone will hold the door for me on a particular level. Sometimes I will be polite and go through the door and then wait til they walk away to go back to the stairwell.
Most of the time I will just smile and tell them it’s not might floor. I’ve had a couple of people look at me like I am the most weird person and say:

So, you’re just walking up and down the stairs?

Yep. I am that weird.
I walk up and down the stairs.
There have been a couple other times where it feels a little uncomfortable, like when I walk up to my desk afterwards all out of breath and it seems like I got that way from just two flights of stairs to the second floor.
Or I just imagine the people walking past seeing this chubby, out of breath girl trying to smile at them as she walks up the stairs.
Oh Well.
I usually don’t get crazy out of breath until I am on the last flight, funnily enough.

I have actually seen some benefit to this already in that my legs have been killing my all week just from walking up and down the stairs. The other night our puppy kept running over my calves when I was kneeling next to the bed and I about killed him.
Other than that, it makes me feel productive in some way without having to put forth the full effort of working out.
I have been trying to be more reasonable with myself and build up to certain goals. Like I switch my Fitbit daily goal from 10,500 steps to 5,500. 10,500 is awesome and I probably should be doing that, but I have yet to achieve it consistently and I would rather work up to it and give myself good, reachable goals that become indifferent to the goal because it’s too high.

Anyways, I walk up and down the stairs at work and people think I’m weird.

03/04/2017

Tonight I am sitting here reading some of the textbook for my psychology class and the book is talking about how you can properly calculate happiness when doing a study on it.
They gave a couple of different options, but one study done by The Gallup Polling Organization (look at me giving credit even though this isn’t an essay) just did their study by asking the following question:

Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally stand at this time?

I am curious as to what people’s answer would be.
My first thought was “Maybe I haven’t even reached the ladder yet.”
I think this is an easy answer for me to give, because it’s a cop-out for me to not having to sit and think about where I sit in my life right now.
I think it’s easier, since I don’t know how well I am doing and I feel like I am just trying my best, to think that maybe I haven’t begun to climb the ladder. Maybe I am just gearing up for my big climb at this point.

Obviously I am that polling company’s worst nightmare. Can’t even answer a simple question. Deflection.

03/09/2017

So, I know that I haven’t written on my blog in a while, but the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t had much to say.
I have still had conversations with people, but it is again similar to calling your parents and the first thing they ask is what is new?
There is no news.
But this is something I have thought about this weekend and again today. I know it’s something that I have written about on here before, but I have had my blog for 6 years now, so that is bound to happen.

The thought that I have been having mostly revolves around the idea of how people perceive me in that first 7 seconds that they see me.
I had a boss once when I was 16 years old who told me that people make their first impression judgement in the first 7 seconds that they meet you.
I have never taken the time to look up studies to confirm this, but this idea has stuck with me since that boss told me about it.
If I only have 7 seconds in the beginning to make that first impression, which many people say is hard to later get over, what do people in those first few seconds.

These are the two specific questions that come to mind when I think about that perception:

  • Do I look like an adult or a child?
  • Do I look like a girl?

Now, in today’s day and age, or maybe just in the popular media and Tumblr’s world, people supposedly aren’t meant to decide if you are a female or not when they first meet you?
I can’t speak for that, but I can speak for the fact that I want them to clearly see that I am a female.
Why do I sit and wonder about this?
Well, I mostly wear the same things everyday. There have been times, like at the beginning of the year, that I have thought that I should dress cuter or more feminine, but I always end up dressing the same and wanting to wear the same clothes.
I have found that when I do wear different clothes, I am always waiting for when I can change back into the basics that I wear:

  • High Waist Skinny Jeans
  • Plain T-shirt (Usually a mens, sometimes a V-neck)
  • Toms or slip ons (sometimes Tennis shoes)
  • Hoodie (if it’s cold)

That’s all I ever want to wear. I dress up every Sunday or when I am asked to, but that is it for style. And again, when I try to change what I wear, I just think about how much I wish I was wearing the basics again.

Anyways, a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs of my new job and at the top of the stairs was this man dressed in a suit.
And he looked good. He wasn’t particularly attractive, in case that is what you meant, but he looked snappy.
This is what I was wearing:

 

And when I walked past this man and we said Good Morning, I wondered if he thought I looked like a child.
Did he? We don’t know.

But this is a reoccurring thought of whether I look like an adult female or now.

That’s it.

02/02/2017

So, my blog has sort have been a guilty thought for me lately. I think about posting on here, but I just have nothing to say.

I even haven’t called my mother much lately since I have nothing to say. There is nothing new happening in my life since I moved to Draper. And I don’t do anything or have a job yet. Also, I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. So…

My Dad used to talk to us about how there are two types of objects in the world. Those that act and those that are acted upon. I have to admit that lately I feel as though I am one that is acted upon.

I saw this online tonight:


I feel a little bit of that. Now, every step I have taken recently I felt was what the Lord wanted me to do, but I do feel very numb and void lately.

Obviously there is a purpose and a plan, I just yet to have figured it out. But it feels lame because it seems I talk about that a lot on my blog. Pretty much the theme of my blog is aimless wandering or more appropriate faith based decisions.

But anyways, that’s where I am at. Again.

01/11/2017

So, my favorite movie is called Eagle vs. Shark. And in this movie there is a moment where a man in his 60s says his life is a “complete disaster. The main character responds with:

“Life is full of hard bits, but in between the hard bits there are some really lovely bits.”

So, continuing on with what I did yesterday to help me get through the hard bit I’m having.

  1. I’m grateful for crying. Which may seem odd, but I was writing a story awhile ago where some of the characters couldn’t cry and it felt similar to dry heaving when they tried. I am glad I can cry.
  2. I’m grateful for diet soda. Say what you will about the ingredients, but I am going to die anyways at some point and I would regret not drinking soda.
  3. I’m grateful for hair being so soft. Because it feels cool and good against my face right now. 

As silly as these things may seem, it does make you feel better to sit and brainstorm things you’re grateful for.

For the one positive thing in the last 24 hours, I keep thinking about when a person earlier, unbeknownst to them, pointed out a moment where I could have been nicer and less judgmental. This person didn’t really say anything, but more responded with the kindness I should have when I relayed a situation to them.

It wasn’t until later tonight that I realized my error and felt really bad about it. But the reason it was the thing I couldn’t get out of my mind as my positive moment is that I now have the opportunity to be kind the next time I see this person and to change a little. That’s positive, because it means growth can happen and it’s something I have prayed for. I have prayed on many occasions to be humbled and shown what more I can do. I have prayed many times to be humbled and to be shown what more I can do. 

I’m just trying my best over here and writing this helps. 

1/10/2017

I run out of things to put in the title of my blog posts, but the date seems good since it will never be this day again.

Also, I don’t really know what I want to say, but my blog has been on my mind the last couple of days and I feel the need to put up something.

My current state I would consider as “trying”. Last night I wasn’t so happy about things and tonight I am just exhausted. I am also only being texted/messaged by one person, which is a guy bragging to me about the size of his TV….yeah. For 20 minutes now. 

So, I’m just going to write three things I am happy for and one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours. 

This is something that is suggested to do when they teach psychology of happiness to people. Although usually for more than one day, but yeah.

  1. I am grateful for pillows and blankets. Since I am currently laying on couch cushions on the floor and even slept on the floor this week, I am grateful for having these luxuries that make it comfortable even for the floor.
  2. I am grateful for living close to family. I am currently living with my sister and her husband (and soon to be my nephew who is still at the hospital). This is such a blessing, despite the difficulties that may arise, because a year ago I was living in a place where I knew no one longer than a few months. There was no intimacy or closeness of any sort in my life and even just having them near is amazing.
  3. I am grateful for dogs, specifically my sisters dog Aspen. They are pure happiness and love.


(We nap together often)

And the one positive thing that I want to share that happened in the last 24 hours was me finding out that guy had a 120″ tv.

No, it would probably be just getting to come home in not storm weather and getting to spend time with my sister. It was simple and not a unique experience, but we had fun and with how tiring today was, it was good. 

I don’t know how to end this. Go team. 👍🏼

12/24/2016

I was on the phone with my mother two days ago and she asked me what my Christmas List was.

I thought I had almost gotten through the season without anyone asking me that.

It’s such an awkward question now that I am an adult, because most of the things I want I just buy for myself.
Or I want it, but it’s super expensive and I don’t want to ask someone for that gift.
I suddenly understand why every year for Christmas we would get my dad mints or gum or his favorite nuts instead of a gift like anything else.
Even now I get him a gift card to his favorite restaurant, because it’s not like adults really have a list of toys they have been really wanting, because adult (non-sexual) toys are expensive.
I want a Fitbit, so please drop $150 on me.
(You can see me give an awkward thumbs up.)

I have no problem giving people gifts, especially joke ones or homemade ones, but if someone asks what I want, I don’t really know what to say.
And then when you say nothing, people get weird about it. And also then I can’t ask them what they want cause they will feel it’s a double standard.
It IS a double standard.
I can get you gifts, but I don’t need you to get me gifts.
I love you and want to express my love by purchasing you something, but I don’t need you to give me something to feel your love.
Please adhere to my messed up rules, thank you.

Anyways, I found this meme and I felt like it explained everything (except I don’t want alcohol. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.)

christmas-list