05/22/2017

The other day I watched this Ted Talk about stress and how it is actually healthy for you to feel stress.
The scientist discussed how if you view stress as healthy and the reactions your body has as rising to the occasion instead of getting stressed out, you will not have the negative reactions health-wise to stress that we normally hear about from doctors.

When I watch these sort of things, I see the benefits of knowing the results of these and trying to change your habits to be happier and healthier.
However, the last little while has been a very stressful time as we moved from our apartment to a house and I ended up having to quit my job in order to help with some of the things happening with my sister and her baby.

So, during this time, I kept thinking about that Ted Talk and how it was my body rising to the occasion….yeah that did not work.
Even though I understand the logic behind the idea of how stress is actually healthy and natural for you to experience.
That makes complete sense to me, however, it does not take away from the actual experience of being stressed and trying to function in that situation.
I think I do okay when I am in stressful situations, but being able to try to be super stoked or see my stress reactions as being ready for what I am about to do.
That may just be due to years of seeing the stress reaction for what they are, but I guess it helps to just keep the idea in the back of your head that it might be healthy?

Who’s to say, but I still am feeling stress as not the best feeling in the world and ready for it to go away.

04/28/2017

I have a lot of things on my mind tonight and I am not sure how I feel about any of them. Lying in bed right now I am just thinking about all these things and coming to no conclusion.

Today was one of those days where you wonder if the decisions you made were the right ones to make. Particularly socially in this case.

I was supposed to go on a firsts date tonight, but he cancelled because better plans came up. I told him we shouldn’t go on a date at all then. 

Telling a guy I don’t want to go on a date with him because of something he did is something that always sticks in mind for awhile. I haven’t done it very many times, but a few times my mother has said I was too critical and hasty. I now sit and wonder if I was, even though I still don’t want to go on a date with him.

 It’s not about him specifically, I just think it’s that you closed the door on an opportunity permanently and was that right? It seems like a simple thing, but what if it wasn’t? Who’s to say.

The other social situation on my mind is that I don’t have any friends in Draper. I live with my sister and brother in law who are my best friends, but at work or church I don’t really know anyone.

Today at work, after the date thing, I was craving some social interaction, so I started IMing this guy I’ve been in a few trainings with while I worked. It was great! We IM’d almost all day and it helped the day go by. 

But as I drove home, I wondered if being a single woman in my 20s and him having a girlfriend made that inappropriate. I enjoyed talking to him and nothing inappropriate was said, just chatting.  I want to be respectful, but I need a friend as well.

This is all just classic overthinking. That coworker probably doesn’t think anything of it and that date doesn’t matter. It’s just had because you grow up and try to interact socially and it’s constantly like “Am I doing this right?”

I guess these are just the things I worry about before falling asleep.

04/26/2017

A couple of days ago I wrote that I was going to post my positive thoughts for 21 days.
I would just like to show this as evidence that I have no follow through and want to be able to post what I want and not be held to a deadline.
That is why when people ask me what my blog is about, I tell them there is no theme or topic.
Why?
I don’t want to be confined to only writing about the things that I previously thought I would want to write about.
Like one time I tried to write a movie review. That was dumb.
I don’t want to review movies, I want to just write out my thoughts when I have them.

Now, the idea of posting things I am grateful for and a positive experience I have had would have been a good idea and that probably would have worked out great.
But I just don’t have the follow through and now a few days later I want to talk about something else, but instead I am spending the time to write out this explaining why I have no follow through in that area.

You see, though my blog is a public arena where anyone can come across it and read what I have written, I still write my direct thoughts I am having on here.
It has become an avenue for my free creative thinking to be expressed and like most not artist people doing something artistic-ish, I don’t want that bogged down by previous restraints I have put on myself.
I want to still write about God, psychology, eating hot dogs at a gas stations, or whatever else pops into my head at the time without being worried that I didn’t follow-up on the previous promised post of positivity.

So, this is me back tracking and letting you know I will probably work on the positive thinking outside of posting it on my blog, because I have no follow through on here.

That’s all.

04/11/2017

I just had a déjà vu moment. And it wasn’t even a good one.

I was sitting here at my desk trying to read something technical, definitely not generic enough to have just been similar to something I read before. And I kept getting distracted by thinking about a situation this morning where a guy I had been interested in told me he was going to pursue someone else.
And as I was trying to read this technical book, it was the mixture if the technical words I was reading and my distracted thoughts of “How do other people just end up with someone interested in them just from their regular lives? Like do I do my hair wrong or something?”
It was those two thoughts mixed together that made just this déjà vu moment.

…Really?

I won’t even pretend to have the slightest clue about how déjà vu works, but of all the moments that I am going to live twice or seem familiar, why that one?
This particular situation was specific enough, as it seems like they always are, that it makes the déjà vu seem even more prevalent.
But if you are going to live a moment twice, why would it be a bad one where you are trying to distract yourself from a crappy feeling? Why wouldn’t it be a super happy moment where you feel great?

And maybe the answer to that is the reason we don’t understand déjà vu. Maybe it’s because we try to box it into something that you would want it to be so it makes more sense when it just is.
Maybe this is some crazy teaching moment that I am just missing the point on and that’s why it seems familiar?
Or maybe it’s a situation where you are remembering something you forgot when you passed through the veil?
Who’s to say.

I guess I am just complaining in this post that my déjà vu moment wasn’t a good one.
Sometimes in these situations with dating and trying to become close to someone and it doesn’t work, I will actually pray to God that my heart will be hardened.
Like, can You just turn me cold towards these things? Can I become that person who doesn’t care anymore?
I’ve never gotten an answer, probably because the request is so ridiculous that He feels He doesn’t need to respond.

“Corrie, you’re kind of being ridiculous, so I’m just not going to respond.” – Fake response I think of.

He didn’t really say that, but I just think of that response because I know I am asking for something that He’s going to say no to.

Anyways, I’m glad I finally did my make-up today after two weeks of not doing it.
In my head, bad news is always slightly easier to take when you are wearing make-up, so.

But still wearing a t-shirt, of course.

04/06/2017

You should budget, they all said.
You should keep a close eye on your money, they all said.
Read Gordon Ramsey’s book, they all said.

I mean, this is something that has been said to almost every person as soon as they get a bank account. Not necessarily Gordon Ramsey, but the other terms are pretty common. My bank is emailing me about them all the time.

“Meet with one of our Bankers today! Overhaul your finances!”

I tried doing that once and it turned out that they could not help me with anything, because I didn’t have nice enough credit.
…which would mean I need a financial overhaul?
Anyway, who cares.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I started to really work on budgeting and balancing my checkbook using Excel.
It was something that the CFO of my old company used to have me do sometimes when she was too busy and then I though “Maybe I should do this in my own life.”
And so I started to and it did really help with budgeting and keeping track of how much money I have.
Better than any budgeting app that I have ever used.
My sister and brother-in-law make fun of me whenever I saw that I am going to balance my checkbook, but that’s okay. I don’t mind if I seem like a grandma.

However, the one downside to doing it this way is that a lot of times I will sit and look at my checkbook and budget for long periods of time.
I think this is similar to when you go to the fridge and just stare in it hoping to find something that you did not see before.
Since I am trying to get out of debt and have some big things I am saving for, I will just stare at my budget and checkbook for hours, looking over the different lines in it like I am suddenly going to see any money that I have missed in the previous hours.
This usually happens when I am at work doing something else like talking to a customer on the phone and I will be helping them, but looking at my budget.

I have taken a few steps back in my career, so I am definitely not going to suddenly find a bunch of money in my budget.
Even if I work an hour of overtime, by the time taxes are taken out, I will have like $5 more than I would have before.
But at the same time, I suppose it is not as bad as my coworkers who talk about video games for 8 hours a day, every single day.

Pick your poison.

04/01/2017

First off, I would just like to say that this is not about April Fools.
I don’t get those sorts of holidays now that I am an adult. In fact, I was never someone who was interested in pranking.
But I also don’t get pinching on St. Patrick’s Day. Someone brought up that I was not wearing green and I was going to get pinched. I told them that adults don’t normally pinch other adults.
That would be weird.
A few days later the same person asked me if I got pinched on St. Patrick’s…nope.

Maybe I am just weird, but the idea of pranking or pinching someone else in the name of a holiday seems a bit immature to me.
Pranking has never been something I was super into, I can do teasing, but pranking always seemed a bit more malicious than fun to me.
Also, the whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you thing” sticks in my head and I wouldn’t find it funny if someone pranked me in the way that is popular these days.

Am I just a stick in the mud who doesn’t understand holidays?
I wouldn’t say so. I still think Halloween and Christmas are great, but I have to admit the other holidays don’t really have much appeal to me at this point.
I am a single person who doesn’t live near any family but my sister and brother-in-law. None of us really have a ton of adult friends or go to any parties.
So, as you can imagine, holidays that are most just to get together with friends don’t really have a ton of appeal either.

Two years ago, two sisters that went to my ward put up an April Fools joke that they got their noses pierced.
They ended up getting in trouble with their mother. They were both adults though.
I guess I just wrote this post to complain about April Fools, because I don’t get it.
I never have and I probably never will.

03/31/2017

Lately I have been doing my actual major classes in college.
I only have a year and change left before I finally get my Bachelor’s degree. I may want to get an emphasis certificate after that which may add a year, but I will still have the degree.
I can finally check that box off when I go to apply to places.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes.)

I may have said it before, but unless you are going to have a specific career like medical, dental, accountant, or a scientist, the actual degree you get does not really matter.
Being someone who has had good job experience already and tries to find a job, I have found that most potential employers do not ask what your degree is in.
They just want to see that you have a degree.

This is why I chose to major in Psychology.
It is easy, interesting, and I will finally be able to check that box of having a Bachelor’s.
Also, I don’t think there is anything wrong with learning more about how people function.
Even when I was a teenager, my parents would have me read personality books so I could be more understanding of the people who were around me. It actually makes it a lot easier to interact with others.

Anyways, with our current political demands a lot of people will ask me that if I don’t care about my major and just chose an easy one, aren’t I upset to be paying so much money?
The truth is…not really.
I am okay with the cost of my education and the amount of loans I have had to take out, because yes I did have to take out loans.
This is an investment in my future, because I have been turned down by higher paying jobs that I am qualified for simply due to the fact that I do not have a degree.

And as for loans, I have had people telling me not to get student loans since I was 19 years old.
For the 6 years I have been going to college, because I am someone who works full-time instead of just straight going.
In my experience, people who are able to go to college without taking out loans are either one of three people:

  • Their parents paid for it.
  • They are better at saving than me.
  • They are more patient and willing to forgo classes til they have the money.

And that is all great.
It makes me think of the Princess Bride when Inigo Montoya and Wesley are dueling and Inigo says:

“I am willing to admit you are better than I am.”

I think it reminds me of that part of the movie, because Inigo is smiling when he says it, because even though Wesley is better, it does not change Inigo’s situation.
Not an exact comparison, but the brain makes the associations it wants.

I had to take out student loans, but if I take them out now and get a higher paying job, it puts me in a more stable position to pay them off.
Just like taking out an auto loan you intend to pay off.

Anyways, I am one of those dumb, roll-your-eyes psychology majors and I am almost done.

03/30/2017

One thing I have been doing lately when I go to blog is actually changing the names of my older posts to be the date it was written instead of whatever clever title I decided to come up with at the time.
My thought process behind this is that those days only occurred once and having a blog for 6 years now it has become more of a record of where I have been and my thoughts as a person, as opposed to me trying to be clever or entertain someone with a title.

Anyways, it is funny to go back in time and be looking at these blog posts that I was writing back in February of 2011.
First of all, I was a lot more eager to write on my blog back then than I was now. I remember when I first started it up I had so many thoughts I wanted to write on the blog that I was actually trying not to post too many times in one day.
As I am re-naming my posts, I am seeing days where I posted 3 times in a day!
I don’t know if we can chalk that up to eager, late teenage enthusiasm or just that now I am busier, but these days I am always thinking about things for my blog and then they never quite make it over to it.
We are looking at a post every 3 weeks if we are lucky.

But the other thing that really struck me was finding this post that I wrote back on 02/18/2011.
6 days after my 19th birthday, which is so crazy that here 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days (I did use a calculator for that) I would still be blogging.
Anyways, in that post I am talking about changing a CD in a rented truck in the middle of the night.
I remember that night and seeing that other car while I was trying to change the CD. I can’t remember why I was out in the middle of the night, but I do remember sitting there trying to change out the CD.

The thing is that now I don’t even stay out that late. In fact, I get tired at 8 o’clock and am usually in bed by 11 at the latest.
There are no midnight CD changing runs now.
I have gotten older and it’s crazy to look back and see that.

03/24/2017

I have been working at a new job in Draper for about 6 weeks now and it is actually one that I think I would be okay staying at for a long while.
I may die at this job and that’s okay.
I don’t necessarily fit in, but that’s okay too.

I don’t work out and this company has a full, huge gym in the building.
But one thing that I do while at work that just seems to baffle everyone is I like to walk up and down the stairs. My work has 4 floors and 6 flights of stairs and I try to go and walk up and down those stairs a few times a day.
Right now my goal is 5 times a day, because I have watched my Fitbit and one time up and down is 250 steps. So, if I were to go up and down 5 times in a day, it would be a 1000 steps. Which is a nice portion when you have a Fitbit. Also, I read online that walking up 3 flights of stairs burns 15 calories, so if I were to do it 5 times a day, I would have burned 150 extra calories without working out or putting on special shoes. In fact, it only takes me about 3 and a half minutes to walk up and down the stairs one time.
So far I have only been able to fit in doing it 4 times a day, but that still is 120 calories and pretty good in my opinion.
My goal would be to work up to being able to walk up and down the stairs twice in a row, which if I could do that 5 times a day, it would end up being 300 calories.

It is a bit lost on my coworkers though and the other people who work in this building.
There have been a couple of times when I have been walking up and down the stairs and someone will hold the door for me on a particular level. Sometimes I will be polite and go through the door and then wait til they walk away to go back to the stairwell.
Most of the time I will just smile and tell them it’s not might floor. I’ve had a couple of people look at me like I am the most weird person and say:

So, you’re just walking up and down the stairs?

Yep. I am that weird.
I walk up and down the stairs.
There have been a couple other times where it feels a little uncomfortable, like when I walk up to my desk afterwards all out of breath and it seems like I got that way from just two flights of stairs to the second floor.
Or I just imagine the people walking past seeing this chubby, out of breath girl trying to smile at them as she walks up the stairs.
Oh Well.
I usually don’t get crazy out of breath until I am on the last flight, funnily enough.

I have actually seen some benefit to this already in that my legs have been killing my all week just from walking up and down the stairs. The other night our puppy kept running over my calves when I was kneeling next to the bed and I about killed him.
Other than that, it makes me feel productive in some way without having to put forth the full effort of working out.
I have been trying to be more reasonable with myself and build up to certain goals. Like I switch my Fitbit daily goal from 10,500 steps to 5,500. 10,500 is awesome and I probably should be doing that, but I have yet to achieve it consistently and I would rather work up to it and give myself good, reachable goals that become indifferent to the goal because it’s too high.

Anyways, I walk up and down the stairs at work and people think I’m weird.

03/09/2017

So, I know that I haven’t written on my blog in a while, but the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t had much to say.
I have still had conversations with people, but it is again similar to calling your parents and the first thing they ask is what is new?
There is no news.
But this is something I have thought about this weekend and again today. I know it’s something that I have written about on here before, but I have had my blog for 6 years now, so that is bound to happen.

The thought that I have been having mostly revolves around the idea of how people perceive me in that first 7 seconds that they see me.
I had a boss once when I was 16 years old who told me that people make their first impression judgement in the first 7 seconds that they meet you.
I have never taken the time to look up studies to confirm this, but this idea has stuck with me since that boss told me about it.
If I only have 7 seconds in the beginning to make that first impression, which many people say is hard to later get over, what do people in those first few seconds.

These are the two specific questions that come to mind when I think about that perception:

  • Do I look like an adult or a child?
  • Do I look like a girl?

Now, in today’s day and age, or maybe just in the popular media and Tumblr’s world, people supposedly aren’t meant to decide if you are a female or not when they first meet you?
I can’t speak for that, but I can speak for the fact that I want them to clearly see that I am a female.
Why do I sit and wonder about this?
Well, I mostly wear the same things everyday. There have been times, like at the beginning of the year, that I have thought that I should dress cuter or more feminine, but I always end up dressing the same and wanting to wear the same clothes.
I have found that when I do wear different clothes, I am always waiting for when I can change back into the basics that I wear:

  • High Waist Skinny Jeans
  • Plain T-shirt (Usually a mens, sometimes a V-neck)
  • Toms or slip ons (sometimes Tennis shoes)
  • Hoodie (if it’s cold)

That’s all I ever want to wear. I dress up every Sunday or when I am asked to, but that is it for style. And again, when I try to change what I wear, I just think about how much I wish I was wearing the basics again.

Anyways, a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs of my new job and at the top of the stairs was this man dressed in a suit.
And he looked good. He wasn’t particularly attractive, in case that is what you meant, but he looked snappy.
This is what I was wearing:

 

And when I walked past this man and we said Good Morning, I wondered if he thought I looked like a child.
Did he? We don’t know.

But this is a reoccurring thought of whether I look like an adult female or now.

That’s it.