05/30/2016

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he came back at me asking:

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he responded with:

“What, why? I thought you came to Utah to be amazing!”

 Ehhhh.

Obviously, since it’s me, I have thought about this a bit before I responded.

I didn’t come to Utah to be amazing. In fact, I didn’t really move anywhere to be amazing. I feel like with each move all I was expecting for things to be different than they were before. 

So, I just showed up one day in all these places and, because of my personality, when I just show up somewhere I act like I’ve always been there. Then I memorize people’s names and act like everyone is my good friend.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t remember ever going to a place or situation expecting to be amazing.    

 Recently a couple of people have asked me to describe myself or, even more challenging, to tell them what makes me different from other people. I was asked also to tell someone one thing they needed to know to understand me.

In almost everyone of these cases my answer was “Nothing.”

Now, don’t mistake anything I’m talking about here as low self esteem or a lack of self confidence. I actually enjoy myself quite a bit. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and I wouldn’t have been as successful in some areas or met a lot of the people I have without my high self assurance.

What I am talking about is not feeling any different than anyone else and not feeling like I am just amazing. 

I am very fun, I am friendly sometimes, sassy sometimes. I am easy to be around. I can be quick, but I don’t think any of those adjectives lead up to amazing. It’s not like a math question where fun+sassy-clumsy=amazing.

I am a little eccentric, but at this point I feel like that is perspective based and once you realize that, who isn’t eccentric? And eccentric isn’t different.

At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing that makes me different from anyone else that I see is my experiences and the choices that I make, which all leads back to my perspective on life. That is the only thing that can truly distinguish me from another person, because no one else has exactly gone through the experiences that I have, which is what then shapes my decisions and my perspective.

All I’m saying is that when I look around, I don’t feel any different than anyone else besides those three factors. And though I really enjoy myself, I do not feel “amazing”. 

But all of this is not something that I can explain to someone who simply asks me what makes me different. Discovering that takes effort and time and I feel like someone wanting to simply ask that is expecting a simple answer.

Oh Well. 


(There is a song, you can listen to it here. Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson)

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2 thoughts on “05/30/2016

  1. Oh but….. You ARE amazing….just being you!!! You are brave, bold and beautiful in oh so many ways!

    Cute pic of you too! You are beautiful with or without or with little make up – inside and out!!!

    Mahalo
    Sister Caldwell

    >

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