Okay, I know I don’t post a lot anymore and I feel like a lot of that has to do with me moving across three states.
It’s been really hard and for the past weekend I have tried to figure out why I am having such a difficult time.
Yeah, I’m broke, but I don’t think that is what stresses me out as I can always just stay home and I make my own meals most of the time.
So, I was really trying to think about what really had me feeling on edge and pretty much down about being out here.
The more I thought about it, and the more I went about my way, the more I realized something about living out here.
I love my work very much and I care a lot about the people who I work with.
Even the new hires that have only been with us for the past couple of months I find myself caring about them and excited to be around them.
But the second I leave work, everyone else I interact with I really don’t feel anything towards them.
The more I think about the people who I have come to interact with outside of work, the more I realize that I have not connected really with any of them.
My roommates a little, but that’s bound to happen when you live together.
The more I think about all the people about people I know in Utah the more I realized if I never saw them again, I would not be terribly remiss about it.
I just feel numb inside.
No one excites me, there is no one I am looking forward to seeing outside of work. I am just passing time.
And the more numb I feel, the more I get down on myself and feel unattractive.
It’s not that I don’t try or that I am not a friendly person.
I am actually extremely friendly. But I don’t think I understand the people out here.
I feel like I am an oddball.
And I know I felt that way when I first moved to California, so I try not to let it get me down too much. But I also had my sister around who I was very close to.
Which brings up another issue with not having anyone as a friend that lives close to you.
The people who I do interact with, like my sister and my roommates, come to me for advice or when they are upset about their relationships.
It’s very flattering, but at the same time trying to comfort people in their relationships with the people close to them when you feel like you have none yourself?
Everyone I care about and who cares about me is over a thousand miles away.
I feel numb as I go about my ways.
And what do you do when you find yourself in that predicament?
You continue on, I guess?
I mean, I know I am in the right place and I know that I am try my best.
So, what else can you do?
You can’t see me shrug.
(There is a song that you can listen to here. More a song about when things get better, but still couldn’t get it out of my mind while writing this. Feel Again by OneRepublic)