Existing

I wanted to post something today, but it just seemed kind of overwhelming to organize my thoughts enough for an actual topic.
Not gonna lie, I really didn’t do much today. I had one of those weeks where everything I did just seem to not turn out right and all my endeavors did not succeed. Except for one big event.
I went to the Temple this week, which is a big event in an LDS members life. I’ve been preparing for months to go and I finally did.
But then everything else around it just fell apart.
Even this morning, just as an example, I got up for church and got all dressed, which I looked cute.
But then when I was sitting in the car my sister pointed our a huge stain on my dress.
Where did the stain come from? Who’s to say, I hadn’t even eaten in the dress.
So, I had to drop my sister off at church and then drive home, take off the dress and put it in the wash.
And afterward I didn’t want to try getting dressed again.

Here’s the thing, and this may be a side note, I love to coordinate my outfits. I really do.
I’ve talked about it before on here and I am getting more comfortable with posting my outfits.
But when you sit and think about your outfit and what you are going to wear, if that outfit goes south, I really don’t feel like trying again.
You had one chance to see me dressed today world and you opted out.
Make better choices universe.

Anyways, to add a little more clarity to my giving up, last week all of my big plans came together, including going to the temple.
It was like one huge answer to all my prayers last week. Literally everything I had been hoping for came through.
But then this week it all seemed to unravel and even though I got to go to the temple (which was beautiful and life changing, don’t get me wrong) it just all went downhill.
I cried hysterically a few times. Cried myself to sleep a few other times. And the times I wasn’t crying, I had a major migraine. (The kind that feels like someone has a pick behind your eye and just keeps digging into it.)

Well, jumping around here, early this morning I was trying to make new plans and take new steps toward the goals I had. Trying to undo the mess that was created this week.
But then after the dress fiasco I was laying in my bed in my underwear and I realized that I didn’t want to think about any goals or any plans or anything. I definitely didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I just wanted to lay there and not think at all.
Last night I had a dream that I was stuck in a cave full of water and there was only enough air room for my head and I was treading water to stay afloat. There were these bugs and water creatures that kept climbing through my hair and no matter how much I tried to get them off, I could still feel more.
Literally the most stressful, anxiety dream that I can remember.

So, I feel like I need a time where I can just exist. A time where my mind and my goals sits in a resting state. Where it’s just a blank canvas for a while.
I can go to work and just keep to myself.
Listen to classical music to relax me. Stick to myself at work, not make waves. Spend some time at the temple.
Just breathe for a minute, because doe times I am so busy trying to strive to get things done, even if I may seem like I’m not.
I just want to exist for a little bit. Like a cloud that’s just floating by.

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