Okay, this is another post that I wrote yesterday, but I didn’t want to post three in a row, so I waited until this morning. Even wrote this last night.
First off, how freaking awesome is it that I created a GIF? So proud of myself.
I’m so cool.
Anyways, I woke up Sunday morning and I knew I was going to have trouble this week, but I was optimistic.
That’s gone and I’ve figured out why.
Not only am I having a girl week, but I have just been running.
Not actual running, metaphorical running.
Last week I worked 16 hours overtime. I literally worked two extra days hour wise. I didn’t really get a weekend.
On the one hand that’s good, because I have some big monetary goals in a few months, but on the other I’m not okay.
I feel like every morning there is a little imaginary coach who walks up and blows a whistle and yells “Okay Corrie, run run run RUN!”
And I get out of bed at 4 am and start running.
Then I get to work and I have a certain amount of tickets I have to complete and I can’t really be myself with anyone, so I sit there and try to resolve as many tickets as possible without causing any problems. I don’t really have any good friends or people I am happy to see.
I’m just trying to complete tickets and work overtime to save.
“Run run run RUN!”
And then I have to come back to my parents house that never feels like home. I have to find a place to sit that keeps me away from the people that have bad spirits.
No where is comfortable. I’m constantly on edge. And I can’t have anything to myself. There is no food in the house and I cannot bring food in the house since it would be eaten, not by me, so I constantly have to wonder what I am going to do for a next meal.
Constantly having to think about money and the next errand to run. Constantly feeling out of place and anxious.
“Run run run RUN!”
Even preparing for the temple. You know, this is a part of my life that I have looked forward to and should be a time of peace and preparation.
But I never knew it would be so stressful.
I mean, worrying about the interviews and whether I am ready. And the whole realization that after all of this preparation and striving towards it, making sure I feel I’m ready, my stake president or bishop can tell me I cannot go.
It weighs on me.
Not that going to the temple is stressful or that I would never go if they said I couldn’t now.
But at the moment I only have long term goals and nothing short term I am looking forward to. This is the closest thing I have.
But I need to accept the Lords will either way.
Yesterday my sister introduced me to her work friend and I had only had one encounter with this man before and in this encounter he commuted a tech support faux pas.
The classic “Call me when it’s fixed.”
Someone who gives you no information and then wants you to fix it.
“The computer is broken, call me when it’s fixed.” (Actual calls/emails I’ve gotten.)
The bane of tech support existence.
This guy did that, which I can get over, but then as she was introducing him to me, this situation was brought up.
Afterwards she told me that I am not nice to people. I need to not be so rude.
The answer is no. I’m at a point this week where I do not want to be nice. That takes too much work.
I feel like I’ve been running and running and there’s no peace. There’s no end goal, there’s just more running tomorrow. Nothing I’m working toward seems obtainable, so I’m just on a wheel.
I just want to spend time with my introverted self and just exist.
Not think. Or be nice. Or talk to anyone. Or worry about where my purse is. Or how many calories I’ve eaten. Or whether I’m cute. Or whether I have good self esteem. Or people like me. Or listen. Or how I come off. Or not making people mad. Or anything.
I just want to exist.
I remember a few months ago laying in bed all day and watching ocean documentaries by myself.
The calming British narrator. Nothing to do but watch all day and nap if I needed to by myself.
That was a good day.