And my body pillow’s name is…

Okay, I have talked about my body pillow on my blog before (remember this?) and the “special” somewhat laughable connection I have with it.
No, I have not really named my body pillow. That would be weird.
But my body pillow is a representation of the craving I feel to have an intimate connection with another person.
An intimate connection where I can trust them enough to let them sleep with me.

Well, lately I haven’t been kissing my body pillow as much as I have just been letting it lay next to me.
Like I just want to feel another person beside me.
And I’ve noticed that I have had less anxious sleep because of it. Just because I can feel something that is big enough to be a person laying next to me in bed.
There is an ache that comes with this, but that is natural with body pillow situations.

What I really wanted to do with this post is talk about men. However sad it may be, it seems natural to bring up my body pillow before talking about men.
When I looked at the post I mentioned about, I saw that I had commented this:

“That’s what my body pillow is. My pretend boyfriend. We are very happy together, but I could debatabely do better.”

Recently I have sort of pushed any thought of guys from my mind. I mentioned in an earlier post (I keep mentioning other posts here, what is the deal?) that I was getting ready to make some big changes in my life since was I was so restless lately.
Well, this has made it to where I am not thinking about guys lately. In fact it has gotten to a point where any guy I could potentially be interested in, I look at them and just think “You’re probably going to disappoint me at some point.”

Oh Man, I’m such a jerk in my head. Projecting all my past disappointments with men onto men I have just barely met and find attractive.
I actually went to dinner with one recently and I was the biggest jerk to him. It was like I wanted to make it a point that I did not care about him, because at some point crushing on him would disappointment.
So I will just disappoint you instead.

Just thinking about it again makes me shake my head. I really chastised myself for that one.
Cried a little bit too.
Felt so bad.

But I am at a point where I am working on myself, working to make myself happy again with this restlessness and so I just don’t think about men.
I know it’s super lame when women say “I’m just working on myself” and it’s even worse when someone says “You should just work on yourself and not worry about dating.”
Well, you should just take your advice and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Get out of my face.
…But I am seriously just working on myself right now.

I don’t think there is ever a time where I don’t secretly wish I had a boyfriend. There is never a time where I don’t ache to have someone to tell all my thoughts to and to just lay next to me at night without even cuddling or kissing.
And even more so, lately I have been secretly wishing to find that “one” who I can build my life with.
But I also don’t want to find that guy with me right now. I want to find him when I am feeling like I would be finding the best person, because I am at the best I can be at the time.
I don’t want to look back 5 years later wondering if I could have done better if I had just been in a better place in my life.
That would be worse than looking at a guy and deciding he would disappoint me right off the bat.

Anyways, this is some of the thoughts I have been having lately and I am pretty dang sure that all of you were wondering the status of my relationship with my body pillow.

You can’t see me smile and shake my head at myself.
Or wink.


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