But I’ve Got the Personality of a Greek God!

So, I just recently went through that monthly week where I get so bloated it’s like I randomly gained 20 lbs at a moments notice. This week is a fun one full of crankiness and inexhaustible worry about my weight.
You see, being someone that used to be 275 lbs and now isn’t, anytime something doesn’t fit a little or your don’t look as trim, something in your mind screams “NO! NO! NO!” And you go into a panic mode.

I have lost a lot of weight, however, Objectively, because anyone who comes here consistently knows I love to think about myself objectively; I realize my opinions about my body are unhealthy.
It’s gotten to a point to where I sometimes feel like all my problems would go away if I would just lose another pant size. That final pant size to look really, really good.
If that would just go away, all my other problems would fall away too, right?
That’s science based.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I joined a gym and I paid for a few sessions with a personal trainer. This was uncomfortable because anything physical is difficult for me.
But he actually said I reminded him of his sister, which caused him to really open up to me.
And during one of our sessions, he started telling me about his high school experience. About how people used to tease him so bad for being skinny that he ended up taking a bunch of steroids until he had body dis morphia.
I’m sorry, you had low self esteem because people called you skinny? The thing I spent all my high school years craving to be is what made yours a misery?
The hell?

Remember that one time I posted about taking some of the past things that men have said to me and still apply it to my self esteem?
Well, a couple months back I met this boy and the whole situation is one where I really wasn’t in a place that I should be, but I was also really lonely and I hadn’t been kissed in over a year.
So I met this boy (he was really a man) and he did kiss and things went further than that as they normally do when you are in the wrong place, but there was moment when we were “together” that he whispered the words “You have nothing to be insecure about.” to me.
I think about that all the time. Here is a man who didn’t know me. He didn’t care about me and we never saw each other again. (Really not proud of this story, definitely before I went back to church, but my blog is a place of truth) Why would he say that to me? He had nothing to gain from that and it’s not just a passing thing to say, in my mind at least.

He thought I had nothing to feel insecure about, and even though I know I won’t ever get rid of my insecurities, in a way he is right. Because the grass isn’t greener. The gym personal trainer was insecure about being too skinny, I’m insecure about needing to lose 20 lbs.
I wouldn’t suddenly have a boyfriend or be respected at work or have my bachelors if I lost 20 lbs. Things would probably be the same.

Anyways, just some thoughts.


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