I wanted to start it off with that. Perfection.
Moving on, one thing that my mother has said about me multiple times in the last couple of years would be that I am a very private person and that I am very “secretive”.
I always thought that she was just misinformed and was a little put out that sometimes I don’t tell her everything ever.
Now, secretive to me seems like someone who is very shifty. Someone who won’t answer questions. Someone who sneaks around to do things without telling anyone.
I have always considered myself to be an open person. I have no qualms talking to people or posting my thoughts on the internet (obviously).
Yet recently I have realized that I may not be as open as I originally thought that I was.
For example, one of my close online friends of mine the other day said to me:
Corrie, you always tell me you are having a bad day, but you never complain. You never say what’s wrong. You never tell me what you are thinking.
I want to be there for you.
I replied with “Thank you”. Retrospect says I am a douche bag.
The funny thing is though, my sister said the exact same thing to me yesterday and I have had people say those things to me before.
People would tell me that they feel they don’t really know me that well even though we spoke everyday.
I realized that even though I can sit and talk with a person for hours about various different subjects, there are very few times that I actually divulge some of the things that I am thinking. Very few times that I truly open up and tell people the things that worry me or bother me. Or the deeper things that I think about often.
When I came to this realization I couldn’t help but feel a little weird about it.
I mean, here I am on a blog writing away every single day about most of the things that float through my head, but not all of them. There are some that are locked away in the vault of my mind and I am not sharing those with anyone.
And it is not a conscious thing either, although maybe now it is. But most of the time I don’t even notice. I guess I just figure that the people around me don’t care to hear it.
Or maybe I really just don’t trust anyone.
Either way, this new development in my personality is shocking. Utterly Shocking.
I don’t know how I feel about that.