F is for friends who do stuff together. It’s also for Failure.

You know how every once in a while you get super unhappy with how you have done something for years and you know that there is a better way or even a more “normal” way to do things? Then you get super self-righteous and decide you are going to change. Then you tell someone you are going to change, so when you slip up they can bring it up and rub it in your face?
Does that sound familiar to anyone except me?

Okay, I have always had a problem making friends. I ate lunch in the bathroom during middle and high school. That’s not just something that happens in movies. There is a real person with absolutely no friends who therefore has no place to sit. That person is me. And that is also the reason why the handicapped bathroom stall was always taken. I was in there reading books and eating lunch.
Too much information? Always.

So, how did I ever fulfill all the needs of social interaction? How did I ever move out of the bathroom and have multiple romantic relationships? Well, it’s pretty well-known by those who read my blog consistently that I am very much into Internet People. I meet people online, have very deep intense conversations and occasionally I will actually meet them face-to-face. It happens.
But I happen to know that this isn’t “normal”. That these aren’t necessarily the full potential of friendship that I could have if I met these people in person and our relationship developed on that level. So eventually I get fed up with my online friendship making. Like I did 3 months ago.
So then you do things like you move to California because you think it will change things and you make a definite goal that you will not go back to meeting people online just so you have someone to talk to.
Then you wait. And wait. Then  you make one friend and they move away. So you wait again. And wait. And wait. Then you realize that nothing is happening. Then you have a night where you feel so rejected, not by anyone in particular, but by everyone in general and you get that itch. That feeling that you know if you would just sign on to one of those websites (which makes them sound dirty, when they aren’t). If you could just sign on, you would have one or maybe even two people to talk to by tomorrow.

Now, I know what you are going to say.

OH! I know how you feel, but you just have to put yourself out there. You have to be friendly and talk to people even though it’s uncomfortable….

Let me just stop you before I push you out the window. One of the biggest reasons I have always felt so much rejection in the “friends” department is because I am not an awkward person. I don’t have social issues. In fact, quite the opposite.
I talk to EVERYONE! I am super friendly, not obnoxious friendly, but just the right amount. I have great social skills, in fact I have spoken publicly on many occasions. People like me.

That right there is the biggest problem I have with not having friends. People like me.
See, if people didn’t like me, it would all make sense. All the dots would be connected. I don’t have friends, because people don’t like me. That makes sense.
But people in fact really like me and I don’t have very many friends. Huh?
People like me. People will sit and talk to me for hours at work. Tell me very personal things. But then they never ask you for your number or to go anywhere outside of that.  Or they do ask you to hang out and they never call. Your friends, but only in one sense.
Maybe I just have a different idea on what friends are.

I don’t know. This is turning into one of those “woe is me, let me post about it to the internet” things. But where else do you really put these thoughts? I mean, come on. Everyone you talk to, it’s not like you can just bring it up mid conversation.

I’ve been listening to what you are talking about and that is mind-blowing stuff, but I am super depressed right now. Can we talk about that for a minute and maybe come back to what you did today?

That doesn’t really work out. So you end up just sitting there listening to whatever they are talking about and you just keep hoping that they are going to notice that you really aren’t being norma. But they usually don’t, because people don’t really notice other people’s feelings. So the conversation goes on and then you end up taking everything they do/say as a hit against you, because Hey! I’m already upset and clearly you don’t care. It’s not fair to the other person. It’s not fair to my blog. But life is selfish and so am I.

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3 thoughts on “F is for friends who do stuff together. It’s also for Failure.

  1. Awe I miss you babe <3 keep your head up. Their is nothing wrong with you! It is NOT an easy task to make friends, no one should ever tell you otherwise too! I am working my best to make it back up :-3 love you lots sis! <3

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