In this day and age, there are so many things that might possibly wipe out the entire planet. We’re always coming up with new ones. So, everyone mostly talks about 2012 and the Zombie Apocalypse. I can’t discuss 2012 with you right now, I have a doctor’s appointment in 56 minutes.
But I just thought that I would quickly run through with you my plan for the Zombie Apocalypse. I understand, it’s a touchy subject. There is actually a A lot of people may not agree with my methods, that’s fine. Good luck, probably won’t ever see each other again.
Off topic: Will there be internet in the zombie apocalypse? I feel like there should be. If not, I’ll start a radio news show.
So, I have thought long and hard about what I would do if the Zombie Apocalypse should happen. I have listen to other people’s plans and I have researched the subject. Played a lot of Left4Dead. And I think I have come up with the best solution of what to do.
Should the Zombie Apocalypse happen or should I get lost in the woods, I will lay down and die.
Now a lot of people view this as giving up or quitting, well sorry a lot of people are stupid. Let’s think about this real quick. What would be my motivation in staying alive in these two situations?
Zombie Apocalypse? The constant adrenaline rush from running around and being afraid somethings going to jump out of a bush and bite my arm off? Wow Fun.
Or stuck in the woods? The joys of getting to run around in the wilderness, scared as hell, yelling for help while enjoying the cruelty of nature. What a fun camping trip for me.
I’m sorry, there is no bright side in these situations. Not to mention, it’s only a matter of hours before I start eating people. Because guarantee that I will start eating people.
Now a lot of people like my sister and people on my blog like to say “Oh, but you won’t eat me cause we are close, right?”
The answer? Yes I will eat. I will eat you gladly. I will eat my father when this happens. He’s fat. He is a good person to eat in crisis. I will feast on his body for probably six weeks and he should have thought of that before he got fat.
Now a lot of people when they hear my plan to lay down and die, their reply is “I wouldn’t you die. I would save you.”
Have a fun damn time dragging my body through the wilderness while trying to fight off zombies. Great tactical move douche bag.
I’m going to say this once
THERE IS NO LOVE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
Now, should I decide that I want to live, cause imagine after about 3 hours of no zombies coming and eating me, when I wake up from my laying down and dying nap, I may be bored and want to fight until I die.
I have plans for this too.
Step one, a lot of people feel like they need a fast, flashy car when this happens. False. The Zombie Apocalypse is not the time for all of dreams to come true, it is the time for survival.
So step one, find a mini-van. This may not be anyone’s first choice, but I have my reasons. First off, contrary to popular belief, mini-vans are actually pretty fast. Their dome shaped frame seems perfect for zombies to bounce off of. Zombie aren’t very smart, they will figure out how to grab on. They are great on gas, which there may not be a lot of during the zombie apocalypse. They are durable, I’ve been hit twice in that thing and it has no damage. And most importantly THEY ARE QUIET!
Now, the one majour drawback to the minivan is the fact that there are only 2 windows. But I feel like we really shouldn’t try to shoot out the window, we should just go faster if we are attacked.
Mini-vans are very spacious and I could probably fit the entire amount of survivors in my mini-van. This does not mean that if I see a person on the side of the road, I’m just going to pick them up. No.
I require a full body search for bites or scratches. And I also require that we sit and wait 6 hours in my sight, to make sure that they are not turning into a zombie. Now they may say “We don’t have time for that.” I do. I have all the damn time in the world, I’m the one in the car. You either want to be saved in 6 hours or you do not.
In dire cases, should we be attacked, I will put you in the trunk. Which is far away from me and there is no way you can get to me. This is only in dire straights though, cause if I put you in the trunk and you turn into a zombie while I’m driving, the noises are going to freak me out and I will crash my mini-van.
I have this great idea that when the Zombie Apocalypse goes down, we should eat the zombies. The golden rule is still in effect during the Zombie Apocalypse. Do unto others what you would have done unto you.
Now you may be thinking, she already mentioned eating things, she simply just wants to eat someone. True. I can’t see any other social setting where it would be acceptable to eat someone or a zombie. Did you read Lord of the Flies? I did not, but everyone was upset about it. So clearly it wasn’t acceptable then.
In the Zombie Apocalypse, everyone is dead or a zombie. And none of the survivors I’ll be traveling with are going to say jack, because their afraid they are going to be next.
I have more to say on the subject, but since we just reached 1000 words, I will have to make this a to be continued….