There is only a few ways this can go.

So, you get a text from a number that is not in your contacts. And you may have a smart phone, meaning this person isn’t your Facebook friend either. But the text is something that implies you know each other on some sort of more than strangers basis. Like “Hey, I miss you. Let’s hang out.” or maybe it’s “Hey, I miss you. Let’s make out.”

Anyways, this message has caused a little bit of confusion and a little bit of excitement. So you reply with “Who is this?” or “Meet me in the bushes.” Either one will work.

Well there are only a few ways this can go.


The person is someone you know and love. You rekindle whatever twisted relationship you had and live happily ever after, in Candyland.


It was a wrong number. At which point, the only thing you can really do is cuss the person out for getting your hopes up. This will also help make you feel better about the relationship you had with your father in most cases. You can also hunt them down and really gain some self-esteem, but that is just for overachievers.


Now this is where things get a little tricky. The person replies back. Oh it is someone you know. Someone you know real well and do not want them to be texting you. You may be wondering how they got your number? Well they are stalking you. It’s fine.
But how do you get rid of them now that they have your number?

By a little something called bending the truth. It’s like lying, but for good people.
You may do this one of two ways:

  1. Reply in a foreign language. It doesn’t have to make sense, random words in another language will do, but use English profanity as well. Then somewhere in the middle throw in the name Bruce.
  2. Fake your death.

That is all.


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