Waiting for You

Recently for the first time in my life a man looked at me with such affection, it was that “special” look girls always talk about men giving. I have never had a man give me that look before. It hit me like a ton of bricks, took the wind right out of me.
The man who gave me that look doesn’t love me, strangely. He was probably a good actor at one point. Quien Sabe?

Afterwards I was upset that someone would give me that look and not mean it. Whether I read into it or not, the look meant something to me but not to him. I recognize that.
Well when I was upset about this, my mother told me that it “was just the first look, there will be many more.”

The problem is, I don’t want many more. I didn’t even want this fake one really. I’ve only wanted one. One look. From one person.

This week I was put in a situation of enormous unfairity and betrayal. A situation that reminded me of the rest of my life.
Often times we hear of people’s “cross to bear”. Something they battle with their entire lives. Mine has always been the fact that people just seem to treat me in the cruelest ways. I learned when I was young that anytime I opened up to someone, they returned the favour with malice. Often times not at first, but after I was close enough to really be devastated. After awhile I just learned to let it go and be alone. It wasn’t hard, I have an amazing family who love me loads.
Recently I opened up like that again, and this week has been a result of it.

I’ve been told many times that I have the ability to focus on my Eternal Companion in a way that most people can’t. It’s because I have so much of me that I feel other people just don’t understand or see. Secrets only for him. All my life I have been waiting for someone to leave everyone else to stand with me when I’m alone. I feel like he is the only person who would do that.

I have told people before that I miss him. Everyone always says the same thing “How can you miss someone you have never met?” I can’t break myself down enough to believe that I wasn’t with him before I was born. There is no way I could feel so connected to someone if we truly hadn’t met before. And we were happy before.

Someone once asked me whose face I see when I picture him or think about him.
It’s not so much that I picture him or think about him. I feel him. I feel him when I’m alone or when I’m with other people. Like a ghost surrounding me.

It’s times when I don’t feel him as strongly that I feel my most fragile. Times when it seems like  he is really far away or like he doesn’t even exist. The thought makes me feel like I am breaking. The thought of dating around or being with anyone else makes me sick. I ache for him like no other. I know this makes other people nervous that I am going to miss him. I promise I won’t. If he is aching like I am, he won’t let me anyways.

So, I can’t tell you his name and I can’t tell you what he looks like, but I can tell you who he is.

He’s the most beautiful person alive.
He’s the person who sees me.
He’s my laugh and my tears.
He’s the missing piece to the puzzle.
He’s the most perfect imperfection.
He’s the holes in my soul
He’s all the joy and all the pain in the world.
He’s the current I feel all around me.
He’s the worst ache I have ever felt.
He’s the most spectacular person I’ve never met.
He’s my real imaginary friend.
He’s the blood in my veins.

I’ll love you forever if I ever love at all…

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