“Are you still feeling depressed?”
I hate this question, more than I could ever express to anyone. Because even if I am depressed, I don’t want to talk about it. I have found lately that my blog has been the only place where I can say the things I’m feeling, so here we go.
I’m not depressed, not today at least. One thing about me is I’ve always been an introvert, it’s a little known fact about me. Most people find this unbelievable because I’m so social and outgoing, I’m the exact opposite of a shy person. Which leads people to think that I’m just a homebody. But a lot of people don’t realize that being shy really has nothing to do with being an introvert. Being sociable and talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean one isn’t an introvert either.
Now this is funny or just plain unbelievable when the number one definition of introvert on Dictionary.com is “a shy person”. Makes me look like I don’t know what I’m talking about. The short definition of an introvert would be an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Either way, a definition leans heavily on perspective.
Saying someone is drained of their energy always reminds me of running a mile and afterwards one is just completely fatigue. For me, it has never been that quick of a process. I could go weeks where all I want to do is be around as many people as possible, I want to go out and party. But afterwards, I need almost the same amount of weeks to sit at home. The “energy drain” they talk about isn’t necessarily a quick one event thing for me, though I have had felted “drained” after a party before.
I have always gone through these cycles. A couple of weeks of not wanting to talk very much, just wanting to think things over. Then after a while, I start to feel isolated and starved for conversation. I’m not sure if I ever find the right amount of conversation I am looking for, but eventually it becomes too much for me and I have to retreat back into my thoughts.
I can honestly say that I have become less introverted than I used to be. I remember when I was in grade school, where every 6 weeks or so, I would have a week where I would board myself up in my room. I wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t answer my phone and I would only come out to eat or when I absolutely had to. This behaivour would go on for sometimes even two weeks at a time. Why? Because school just became too much for me and so did going out.
My biggest problem is I have been born into a family full of extroverts with really no understanding of privacy. I’ve mentioned this before, when you live with 7 other people, what is privacy?
The place that I’ve always felt safest has been my closet. My walk-in closet, sitting on the floor, with all the lights off. There is no windows, the only opening is a small slit in the door. Most people find sanctuary in their room, but for me a closet has always been the next step up. One level higher of security. My family always takes this as a sign that I’m depressed, so I don’t sit in there often. But I can often do my best thinking in my closet.
Lately I’ve been finding myself envious of people who live in areas where it snows and there are scenic paths to walk down. But mostly the snow. I think it would be extremely easy to think while walking in the snow. Maybe I’m wrong, but this is just a desire I’ve been having lately. In the snow is where lately I can picture my thoughts coming to life.
I’m not depressed. I really am not. I just really haven’t felt like talking too much lately. I haven’t even replied to a letter that I had been waiting 2 months for. I’ve been caught up in all the thoughts I’ve been having. Obviously my mind skips from one topic to another, but I still have so much to think about. I don’t consider myself an intellectual. My thoughts aren’t full of wisdom or even valuable in any sense, but I personally find them fascinating enough to want to be left alone with them for a while.
Now when I say that I don’t really feel like talking, it doesn’t mean I won’t. In fact, so many times once I start talking, you can’t get me to shut up. I mean one on one. I crave for one on one conversation more than I can express. All the time. Most of the time, it doesn’t even matter who the person is, if we could have that intimate one on one conversation where we can actually discuss ourselves and talk about real things, that’s when I feel energized most around other people. And once we start these conversations, I will almost do anything to keep it going.
I feel the reason I am having such a dramatic reaction to where I am snapping at people for talking to me would revert back down to the fact that I have a broken ankle. Before, I would jog or go for long walks. It was always a set time when no one could bother me and all I had was that hour and a half of time to myself, left to my thoughts. I didn’t even have to bring my phone. And even though at the end of the run I was exhausted and ready to go home, I hated that it was over.
Now, with my limited mobility, I usually go downstairs and stay there because it is so hard to get back up the stairs. So I end up sitting down there with everyone the whole day. I can honestly say that my newfound insomnia is really just me laying in bed by myself with only my thoughts because I didn’t get to all day. Probably a good reason why I’m not with someone.
I’m sad to say that today these feelings have trickled on through to my blog. I must have made 5 drafts today of things that I wanted to talk about and share on my blog, but after titling the post and thinking of what I wanted to say, I just didn’t want to even discuss it on my blog. I didn’t want to talk about it, just continue to think about it. The strange thing though is, tonight I also held one of my best friends hostage for almost 2 hours just talking to her one on one.
This is a huge common misconception about me. I’m pretty sure that no one would ever peg me as an introvert if they met me. In fact, it’s not often that a person walks by me without me introducing myself to them. I’m extremely social, a fact that bothers me sometimes. This is often the reason why people are so shocked when I don’t answer them or even turn them down on hanging out. It’s nothing personal. In fact, I probably would love to be out with you. I just need sometime to be by myself.