When I grow up I want to be an Atomic Bomb.

So, I have a sense of humor that is a little bit…different.
It’s very dry and often times very dark.
It does not include toilet humor in any sense.

Anyways, I have moved again as everyone knows who have read my blog the last little bit. In with my grandfather.
This means that I have gotten a new job and this time around I was more looking for something that could fit the schedule of helping him and not just something that fit what I am used to working in.

So, I just barely started at this company a few weeks ago and they are very closely knit and casual.
They have a lot of inside jokes.
And I have made the mistake in the past before of walking into a job that I am new at and acting like I have always been there. I have the confidence to do that and I am rarely uncomfortable in situations, but in the past that approach at new jobs alienated coworkers and made me appear cocky.
Go figure.
Anyways, at this particular company, I have been told to interact more with the group since I was very reserved when I first came to the company.

So, today they put a Birthday card on my desk to sign.
Ehhhh…
Maybe I am just weird, but I have only had one conversation with the person that this Birthday card is for.
I didn’t know what to sign it.
I kind of pushed it away a little bit and one of the ladies at my work who really likes me and really likes to have everyone included told me that I needed to sign it.
It was important, apparently.
But I have never known anyone that really read a corporate card and gone through the different messages people have written.
I know that I never have. Even the card a company got me when I moved for them and everyone signed it.

So, I sat for a while thinking about what I could put that I would find funny if I opened up the card and saw it.
And I suppose that maybe it was a little passive aggressiveness on my part as well, because I didn’t see why they needed me to sign the card, but this is what I ended up signing:

Card Sign

I thought I was so hilarious and I still think I am.
Nothing was ever said, probably since the person never read the card, but I just thought I would share since I think that Birthday cards and cards in general can be very pointless when it comes from people they do not know well.
My favorite are the “Sorry for your loss” cards.
That will really make you feel better.

I’m probably just a brat.

The Old Man and I

I live with my grandfather.
I have made a few posts recently that have shown a little bit what our lives together is like. A lot of them show us being generally snarky to each other, which is pretty much the basis of all of our conversations.
My grandfather is very sarcastic and has a very dry sense of humor. He also likes to tease a lot, to the point that most of what comes out of his mouth is him teasing me.
Luckily I worked in automotive for the past year and if you are going to work in that industry, you have to roll with the punches. My old boss would introduce me at parties/meetings as the “Corporate Pain in the Ass”. He also told me once that I would probably never find love because of my personality.
And how did I respond to those comments?
You throw it back. Top it if you can.
And none of us ever got offended, because we knew that it was said in affection and jest. It wasn’t really meant to hurt the other person.
We also were in positions where we would have to do deal with people saying really mean things to us and so in a way it prepared us for the real deal.

Fast forward to living with my grandfather, who I didn’t really know very well when I was younger.
He was around a lot of the time, but he didn’t really get on well with kids so it was hard to talk to him.
Today he tells me that he gets along better with “kids” in their twenties. I would agree (except about the kids part) since now he is a very easy person to talk to and he is very fun to banter with.
Well, here is an example of some of that banter that I posted on Instagram from last night:

rutext

So, he is in a wheelchair.
Not paralyzed, but just can’t use the right side of his body and I feel a lot of people look at that and immediately feel sorry for him.
They see him in his wheelchair, that he is 85 and immediately start to judge these sorts of interactions.
This post I made on Instagram got a response from my cousin commenting

#PoorGuy

I just rolled my eyes.
He is not a poor guy. When I got there to pick him up he said “About time you showed up”.
He was obviously super upset about the text.

But people don’t understand that sort of relationship I have found.
They will look at us shocked or even say something to me about it and he eats it up. A lot of times he will be smiling at me when they are saying something.

(Seen Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj_tlHqnWj0)

The “something nice” he said in that video was “Good For You” when I told him that I had gotten him a Pepsi from the store.
….Yeah, homeboy gives as good as he gets.
My aunt actually apologized to me that he is so “mean to me” a couple of weeks ago.
And yet, we are both fine.

Last night we went to Cafe Rio together and as we were leaving he told me to take our leftovers out to the car and he would roll himself out to the side-walk while I did it.
So, I was holding the door open for him and he was having trouble getting through the doorway.
This lady came running up to him asking him if he needed any help and he just kept trying to get through the doorway on his own without answering her.
She then looked at me as if I was going to answer for him.
I just said:

“He needs to learn to do it on his own.”

She gave me the most horrified look ever and then looked at me like I was the worst person in the world.
She missed him just rolling his eyes at me and then said “Well, I think you’re doing a great job.” to him.

I don’t expect everyone to understand the relationship that my grandfather and I have.
They see the snarky comments and the back and forth, but they don’t see the affection that happens between us, because it’s mostly through acts that happen when no one is around.
Like the other night he had an accident in his chair and I ended up cleaning it up and I couldn’t help but think that there was no way I didn’t love him when I was doing it.
Or the other night when I wasn’t feeling good and fell asleep on the couch, I woke up at 2 am to find him fixing the blanket on me.
He got embarrassed when he saw me awake and quickly said:

“It wasn’t fully covering your feet!”

And rolled away.
The same man who 5 hours earlier when I told him I still wasn’t feeling good told me:

“You know, we shoot sick horses.”

Just the kind of comment we both expected.

the old and I

Fire

I am sure I have talked about this before on my blog, but we actually don’t know the reason that we have dreams.
It’s an interesting process with the REM cycle and the sleep paralysis that happens, but they are not entirely sure what reason we have dreams.
One theory is that dreams our simulations by our subconscious to see how we would react to certain situation. It helps us prepare for survival in situations we may have not experienced yet.

Anyways, last night I had this dream where I was trying to run a 5k and my sister did not want me to. She told me that she was worried about me and I told her that she could just follow me in my car to make sure it worked out.
(But the 5k was on the beach? Not sure how it worked. Dream logic.)

Well, long story short, I did not end up finishing the 5k, because my car actually started to have problems. So, I told my sister that I would try driving it instead of finishing the race.
When I got in the car, it would not start and I could not figure out why the car would not work. After trying for a few minutes, I saw a light on my dash saying that the car was on fire.

I got out of the car and opened up the back (it’s a hatchback).
It wasn’t a raging fire, but specific areas that were on fire. I then attempted to blow on the flames in the trunk of my car and it actually worked.
I used my breath to put out the fire in the back of my car, but that was when I noticed that all of the tires were gone.
All that was left was the rims and the tires had been shredded off and my sister had been driving on the rims for the past while of following me.

It was then that I just sat down next to my car and my sister called my mother.
When my mother came, they were trying to discuss what they would do next and I was just sitting next to my car thinking about how it would work out. How I would take the bus to work until I had money for the new tires and whatever the cost would be to fix what caused the fire.

That was when I woke up.
I have no clue what this dreams means or what the test was. (Pretty sure I failed if my response to a fire is trying to blow it out.)
Or even what my subconscious was trying to tell me, but I felt like writing it down that my car caught on fire and all I do in a situation of losing my car was just sitting next to it.

Go Team.

Do you even lift, bro?

One of my favorite things about living with my grandfather is the simple moments I get to see everyday.The small things that you wouldn’t get to see unless you live with someone.

Today it was this moment:

I would never have seen that without living here. It’s one of those small things people do that you can appreciate and hope you remember. 

Mostly for the faces he made and how cute he is trying to build up his arm strength.

Dear Diary/Blog

I normally don’t address you as “diary”, but I thought I would change it up. In fact, addressing my blog as diary was what gave me enough push to post on here currently.
Maybe someone has noticed, but I haven’t posted on here in a minute and I have felt guilty about that.
I just haven’t had much to say until I got to call my blog diary?
I don’t keep a real diary. I have found in the past when I sit and talk about my days later on I would go back and tear pages out, because I would read it and think I sounded like an idiot.

“I’m in love with (past boy name) and he hasn’t responded to me in 48 hours.”

Who cares, Corrie? Not that boy and even 6 months later you don’t even care.

My blog has been exempt from that since on here I mostly talk about my feelings and perspective on the world or small instances that happen. There are no specifics and there is nothing to feel embarrassed about later on.
To date, I have only gone back and deleted or marked private about 3 posts, whereas, in past journals I have gone back and tore out half of the journal before finally throwing it away.
It turns out that my blog and spiritual journals are the only things I can write about in my personal life.

Anyways, it is hard to write on my blog when there really isn’t anything happening right now.
I mean, I moved in with my grandfather and got a job and that’s it.
Nothing else has really happened besides snarky conversations and a lot of Hallmark movies he watches while I sleep on the couch.
(The beauty of that sentence is you can’t tell which person is 85 and which one isn’t.)

However, I do find myself doing things that are different from what I normally would do by myself and if someone outside the situation asked, it seems like we are really busy.
Like my dad called my grandpa (his dad) tonight and asked what we were doing, the response was:

“We are taking apart this lamp to see what is wrong with it.”

It sounds like we are killing it and engineer/mechanics.
But in reality we were trying to change the bulb, so we unscrewed the stand and it looked like one of the wires had snapped. Then we took the whole thing apart and then threw it away.
We learned nothing.

Recently someone asked me how I was doing and I responded “fine” and they got all up in a knot about it.
But I am just fine. I’m not skipping down the road, but my shoulders aren’t slumped either.
Sometimes things are just fine and it’s not negative, it just is.

So, Diary/Blog, if any of you have something you would like me to talk about, please feel free to let me know.
But until then, I am still here.
Doing just fine.

Where am I?

So, a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I just haven’t really talked about it, because I have just been kind of rolling with it.
Some people may feel that this is the best way to be in life, I am still on the fence as to whether it is or not.
However, I have found that I have just surrendered to living that way, because making a lot of plans or having a lot of expectations has never really gotten me anywhere anyways.
But that could just be my personality. I am sure if I was someone that really stuck to plans and had to have one, I would be more married to the idea.

Either way, life happened in the past few weeks and I let it.
I am now living with my grandfather in St. George, UT. I moved here last week and I am still not even used to waking up here.
It is one of those things that just happened.
My cousin was living with him, but he got married three weeks ago and I still didn’t have a job, so I ended up taking his place.
I was just in the right place, right time for it to happen.

I was in an interview the other day here in St. George and they asked me how long I was planning to stay.
I told them that I didn’t know.
I know that I was moving to Utah to start building an adult life that I could have for the long term, but I guess I am just going to do this first?
Or maybe this is where I am supposed to be?
I’m not sure. It is still Utah, but a little more desert than I was hoping to move to.

The point is, I am just winging this and going to see how it goes.


(Young Lion by Vampire Weekend)

Back when the was a teenager, if you had asked me what my favorite thing about myself is, I would have told to my hair. 

I have always had a lot of body to my hair and ever since puberty it has been naturally curly. Sometimes more curly than other times, but there was always body and curl in it.

Ever since I bleached my hair the last time, the body has been less prevalent, but still there. 

Because of this, it’s always inevitable when I am working with someone or see them consistently enough that they ask:

Corrie, why don you straighten your hair?

Or

Will you straighten your hair tomorrow?

This happened late last week at my temporary job and I finally got around to it last night.

It actually is a process, because I takes too long to straighten in the morning. You have to straighten it the night before and then touch it up in the morning. This means that you have to be clean enough to be able to go with just dry shampoo.

Last night was that night. This is the coveted look of me with straight hair:


I don’t like it straight. It feels boring to me. Also, with the length that it is, that’s usually the straight hair cut they give actresses playing women who are supposed to be cold and removed. Thanks. 

In reality though, I like when it’s wild. Yesterday another woman at the job was laughing because I was shaking my head and ruffling my hair because I thought it was too flat. 

I like it wild.

So, the same thing happens almost everytime I straighten it now. It takes only a few hours for me to put it up.

I check to make sure that everyone who wanted to see did, then I put it up. 


Now, I know what you may be thinking, “Was that a top knot?”

It was, kind of drooping when I took the pic, but it was. Sometimes I try to attempt the “in” styles.

Like I also have an undercut


I feel slightly weird when I do in styles. Kind of like when I was in high school.

Wow, look who’s trying to fit in.

Instead of it’s just cool, it takes me awhile to adjust that I’m wearing this. 

The jokes on me, no body but me notices these things.

Anyways, I just wanted to talk about my hair, because I put in effort today.

👍🏼

To Be Amazing…

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he came back at me asking:

So, yesterday I was talking to this guy on Tinder (which I am not afraid to tell you that I am on Tinder, because I am a single millennial and this is how we do it) and he asked me if I had done anything fun lately.

When I said that I had not, he responded with:

“What, why? I thought you came to Utah to be amazing!”

 Ehhhh.

Obviously, since it’s me, I have thought about this a bit before I responded.

I didn’t come to Utah to be amazing. In fact, I didn’t really move anywhere to be amazing. I feel like with each move all I was expecting for things to be different than they were before. 

So, I just showed up one day in all these places and, because of my personality, when I just show up somewhere I act like I’ve always been there. Then I memorize people’s names and act like everyone is my good friend.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t remember ever going to a place or situation expecting to be amazing.    

 Recently a couple of people have asked me to describe myself or, even more challenging, to tell them what makes me different from other people. I was asked also to tell someone one thing they needed to know to understand me.

In almost everyone of these cases my answer was “Nothing.”

Now, don’t mistake anything I’m talking about here as low self esteem or a lack of self confidence. I actually enjoy myself quite a bit. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and I wouldn’t have been as successful in some areas or met a lot of the people I have without my high self assurance.

What I am talking about is not feeling any different than anyone else and not feeling like I am just amazing. 

I am very fun, I am friendly sometimes, sassy sometimes. I am easy to be around. I can be quick, but I don’t think any of those adjectives lead up to amazing. It’s not like a math question where fun+sassy-clumsy=amazing.

I am a little eccentric, but at this point I feel like that is perspective based and once you realize that, who isn’t eccentric? And eccentric isn’t different.

At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing that makes me different from anyone else that I see is my experiences and the choices that I make, which all leads back to my perspective on life. That is the only thing that can truly distinguish me from another person, because no one else has exactly gone through the experiences that I have, which is what then shapes my decisions and my perspective.

All I’m saying is that when I look around, I don’t feel any different than anyone else besides those three factors. And though I really enjoy myself, I do not feel “amazing”. 

But all of this is not something that I can explain to someone who simply asks me what makes me different. Discovering that takes effort and time and I feel like someone wanting to simply ask that is expecting a simple answer.

Oh Well. 


(There is a song, you can listen to it here. Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson)

Utah: Day 13

So, tomorrow marks the second week that I have been here in Utah.
All week I have been feeling like I should post something on my blog, but I really just didn’t have anything to say.
It’s like avoiding the question “What’s new?” that you get from people sometimes.
Nothing. Literally nothing is new.
I have not figured out any new truths. I have not met anyone new or done anything interesting or note worthy.
I have nothing that I could say to respond to that question.

How is that possible when I just moved to a new state?
Well, I did live here before, so it’s not like I am in completely new terrain.
But I just feel like I have re-started my life over so many times that it’s not really unique anymore. The process involved in living in a new place is just tiring now, not really exciting anymore.
(Part of the reason that I have decided to stop with the jumping around.)

What I have been doing since I moved to Utah is mostly apply for jobs, interviewing and when I am not doing that, I discovered a couple of the Walking Dead game apps on my phone that have been occupying my time.
It’s really exciting, but not enough to tell someone when they ask what’s new.
Especially since my virtual apocalypse team isn’t very good. We can’t beat any other teams and I almost feel like I might be better at it in real life, which is far-fetched.
Oh! And I also started running again in the mornings, because there is no excuse for not working out if you aren’t going anywhere for a while.
My endurance is shot though since I sprained my ankle last November.

To sum things up, after two weeks of being in Utah, nothing is new.
I have gone on a lot of interviews, gotten a couple offers that didn’t pan out and can only run 4 miles an hour for 20 minutes.
My sister keeps reminding me that I can’t expect for things to happen immediately for me and I need to be patient.
So, that’s what I plan to do.
Just take things as they come and as for it being a “good move” or a “bad move” I cannot really decide and it does not matter since I won’t be leaving any time soon.

What’s new with you?

Utah – Week One

I don’t really have anything specific I wanted to write here, but I feel the need to update lately and so that is what I am going to do.
I’m currently in the middle (well, Tuesday) of my first full week back in Utah. I got here in the early morning last Friday.
I ended up staying longer in LA than I wanted to.
I got a flat tire and it turned out I needed not only a new tire, but a new rim as well since it cracked.

As it turns out, the person who owned my Prius before me put custom rims on it.
Because everyone pimps out their 2013 Priuses with custom wheels, right?
It took me 8 hours to find something that could fit and it doesn’t even match. I now have the three custom silver wheel rims and one black one.
I didn’t really care about looks at that point.

Now I am just in Utah looking for a job full-time.
I have had an offer and quite a few interviews, but nothing that has stood out as what I should be doing full-time from now on.
I am looking to slow down from what I have been doing before. Travelling at least two nights a week and working lots of nights and weekends?
I didn’t really have a full social life.
So, I am looking for something that is a little less time intensive. Focus on things that are actually not work related, like I mentioned in my previous post.

I am in limbo.
I don’t know what I am doing, which I feel is a common theme on my blog.
Please read my blog that completely lays out how much I do not know what I am doing with my life.

Killing it.

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