9/8/2017

I have been sitting here for about 30 minutes just looking at this blank post. I obviously have answered a few texts and looked at a few things on my phone while trying to spark some inspiration on what to say.
I am trying to be more consistent on here. I think that journaling is very important and I somehow cannot stay consistent with an actual physical journal, but I have been able to stay somewhat consistent with this blog.

The reason journals are so important to me is one time I heard an older lady talking about her mother who recently had passed. Her mother hadn’t kept any journals or anything, but when she was going through some of the old cookbooks her mother had, she found notes her mother had written notes on.
She talked about how comforting it was just to see her mother’s handwriting and read the different words she used.

Anyways, I didn’t really do anything today, except I saw a picture I took 3 years ago when I was super excited about my Dairy Queen cherry dipped cone.

I liked my hair dark in that picture so much that I ended up dying it dark again.

I took that just a while ago. And now I am sitting watching Netflix with one of the best sights.

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9/7/2017

I’ve been thinking a lot lately like I typically do. Someone asked me recently what my favorite thing to do is and I responded with thinking.
Because it is the thing I do the most and I do think about various different subjects.

But one thing I was thinking of when I was on a long drive today for my work was just thinking how boring I have become.
Lately, I feel like I am too tired to do anything. I haven’t even done my make up that much recently.
My sister asked me today if I was lonely and I said not really, just occasionally I wish I had a male best friend and more interaction with males.
Then I mentioned that it would be too much work and I was too tired to proceed with finding a friend or trying to build the relationship. The idea of even starting a relationship (friendship or otherwise) just sounds so tiring and the return on investment is not there.

Even when I meet someone new and they start asking me the standard questions, I just feel tired and want to say the simplest thing so we can move on.

Anyways, I just am wondering if I am boring or if I am just burnt out. I do kind of look boring nowadays with no makeup and no flashy clothes.
But if I am boring, I am okay with it I guess.

8/17/2017

This morning my sister and I went to clean out her car that was totaled on 7/26/2017. The car was in my name. I signed for it at the beginning of June. The first payment hadn’t even been paid yet. 

The afternoon of the 26th, my sister and I were driving home with her son who is 7 months old. She suddenly started having a seizure while turning left in an intersection. She had never had one before. We hit the person across the intersection from us and then didn’t stop until we hit the curb. She was still seizing for at least a minute after we stopped while I called 911. I had been in the backseat with the baby and could not grab the wheel.

These are the pictures from that day:


These are the ones I took this morning before we cleaned out her car.


My sister broke her back in two spots, broke her ankle, and cracked four ribs. Since I was in the backseat, I ended up with just a concussion from hitting my head. The baby was completely fine. His car seat protected him, not even a scratch on him and he didn’t cry once.

It’s hard to even say how I feel about what happened, because it feels more like a dream if anything. It’s something that happened, but then life went on after that. Life just kept going and everything kept moving on.

Which makes days like today when we had to look at the car again in person so surreal. Or times like today when I get a headache and then I get winded and weak to where I can’t do much as a result of my concussion. It seems almost out of left field since everything carried on after our accident. Like if life can carry on, why can’t we?

Anyways, that is what happened and I don’t have any feelings towards it. There were a few days after the crash where my head/body hurt so much I wondered why I didn’t die, but now thinking about the accident just leaves me feeling tired.

8/16/2017

I’m at a point in time right now where life just seems really long and really hard and really lonely.

I have been feeling it for a couple weeks now and the typical things I use to comfort myself aren’t doing it so much for me anymore. When they are comforting, it’s just temporary.

I don’t really have a direction for this post or even had a ton I wanted to say, I just wanted to write down my feelings, because I am having them again very strongly tonight.

I know I will feel better after reading my scriptures and this reoccurring feeling that will pass over time. Kind of like a slump, but it is one I’ve had for the past while and I just can’t shake it. It’s a waiting for it to pass thing and I just wanted to talk about it.

That’s all.

7/20/2017

As long as you are still breathing, there is still time…

That’s something the speaker in church said on Sunday and it struck me really hard.

Today my sister and I were driving with on a highway in the middle of nowhere for our work we do together and all of sudden it started pouring rain. 

The thing about driving in the pouring rain is it’s a lot like driving in the snow. And once the road gets covered in water, it can be like driving on black ice.

We slid off the road and probably were out of control of the car for about 40 ft of driving through bushes and desert terrain. Luckily there were no signs or anything for us to hit, we just plowed through a few small bushes. It was also lucky that we were in my sister’s SUV and not my Prius.

Last week I was listening to a talk and in the talk the speaker was telling a story about a time when he was walking on a bridge and the footing gave way. He fell and the first thing he did was yell out:

Father! Help me!

Praying out loud. He immediately thought to turn to his Heavenly Father and he was caught by one of the other hikers.

As I listened to the talk twice (I like to listen to them twice so I can hear the message and let it sink in) I wondered if I would immediately know or think to call out in prayer.

Fast forward to today when my sister and I were praying to see if we should make this drive, I received a response of “Trust me”.

And as we slid off the road and had a very tense 60 seconds, the first thing I did was scream my sisters name (to alert her of the situation in case she somehow missed that she had lost control of the car.) and then my heart praying to Heavenly Father for us to be safe.

And we were. A little whiplash and definitely shook up, but we were safe.

Then when we had turned around and said a prayer of gratitude, that saying from the speaker on Sunday came to my mind.

Even when you’re sliding out of control in the pouring rain, as long as you’re still breathing there is still time to call out to your Heavenly Father.

07/17/2017

I’ve really missed my blog lately. I’ve been running so crazy that I couldn’t even think of anything to write about on here.

I mean, I haven’t even done my make up in like a month, let alone written on my blog. That is just not like me.

Actually, it is like me. I’m very inconsistent with my blog over the weeks, but over the years, I have been killing it at this for almost 6 and a half years.

Anyways, the last couple of days there has been some lyrics from a song stuck in my head:

All will be well

Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself

All will be will

You can ask me how, but only time will tell.

This has been coming to my mind since there have been a few situations recently where things haven’t panned out and the aftermath leaves you just trying your hardest to manage.

In other words, trying to keep your head and then keep it above water.

But I just like the words of that song about how even after breaking promises to yourself, which I have done quite often, things will get better after time.

And that is comforting to me right now.

(All Will Be Well – The Gabe Dixon Band)

05/11/2017

This is something on my mind a lot tonight. I had decided a couple of weeks ago to start reading the Doctorine and Covenants for my scripture study each night.

But a few nights ago I felt I needed some peace and so I ended up switching back to the Book of Mormon. This happens almost every time I try to read the Bible or any of the other books of scripture, I end up missing the peace that comes from reading the Book of Mormon.

So, if I want to read one of the other books of scripture, I have to read the Book of Mormon with it just for my spirit to be at peace.

And that’s not a bad thing.

05/22/2017

The other day I watched this Ted Talk about stress and how it is actually healthy for you to feel stress.
The scientist discussed how if you view stress as healthy and the reactions your body has as rising to the occasion instead of getting stressed out, you will not have the negative reactions health-wise to stress that we normally hear about from doctors.

When I watch these sort of things, I see the benefits of knowing the results of these and trying to change your habits to be happier and healthier.
However, the last little while has been a very stressful time as we moved from our apartment to a house and I ended up having to quit my job in order to help with some of the things happening with my sister and her baby.

So, during this time, I kept thinking about that Ted Talk and how it was my body rising to the occasion….yeah that did not work.
Even though I understand the logic behind the idea of how stress is actually healthy and natural for you to experience.
That makes complete sense to me, however, it does not take away from the actual experience of being stressed and trying to function in that situation.
I think I do okay when I am in stressful situations, but being able to try to be super stoked or see my stress reactions as being ready for what I am about to do.
That may just be due to years of seeing the stress reaction for what they are, but I guess it helps to just keep the idea in the back of your head that it might be healthy?

Who’s to say, but I still am feeling stress as not the best feeling in the world and ready for it to go away.

04/28/2017

I have a lot of things on my mind tonight and I am not sure how I feel about any of them. Lying in bed right now I am just thinking about all these things and coming to no conclusion.

Today was one of those days where you wonder if the decisions you made were the right ones to make. Particularly socially in this case.

I was supposed to go on a firsts date tonight, but he cancelled because better plans came up. I told him we shouldn’t go on a date at all then. 

Telling a guy I don’t want to go on a date with him because of something he did is something that always sticks in mind for awhile. I haven’t done it very many times, but a few times my mother has said I was too critical and hasty. I now sit and wonder if I was, even though I still don’t want to go on a date with him.

 It’s not about him specifically, I just think it’s that you closed the door on an opportunity permanently and was that right? It seems like a simple thing, but what if it wasn’t? Who’s to say.

The other social situation on my mind is that I don’t have any friends in Draper. I live with my sister and brother in law who are my best friends, but at work or church I don’t really know anyone.

Today at work, after the date thing, I was craving some social interaction, so I started IMing this guy I’ve been in a few trainings with while I worked. It was great! We IM’d almost all day and it helped the day go by. 

But as I drove home, I wondered if being a single woman in my 20s and him having a girlfriend made that inappropriate. I enjoyed talking to him and nothing inappropriate was said, just chatting.  I want to be respectful, but I need a friend as well.

This is all just classic overthinking. That coworker probably doesn’t think anything of it and that date doesn’t matter. It’s just had because you grow up and try to interact socially and it’s constantly like “Am I doing this right?”

I guess these are just the things I worry about before falling asleep.

04/26/2017

A couple of days ago I wrote that I was going to post my positive thoughts for 21 days.
I would just like to show this as evidence that I have no follow through and want to be able to post what I want and not be held to a deadline.
That is why when people ask me what my blog is about, I tell them there is no theme or topic.
Why?
I don’t want to be confined to only writing about the things that I previously thought I would want to write about.
Like one time I tried to write a movie review. That was dumb.
I don’t want to review movies, I want to just write out my thoughts when I have them.

Now, the idea of posting things I am grateful for and a positive experience I have had would have been a good idea and that probably would have worked out great.
But I just don’t have the follow through and now a few days later I want to talk about something else, but instead I am spending the time to write out this explaining why I have no follow through in that area.

You see, though my blog is a public arena where anyone can come across it and read what I have written, I still write my direct thoughts I am having on here.
It has become an avenue for my free creative thinking to be expressed and like most not artist people doing something artistic-ish, I don’t want that bogged down by previous restraints I have put on myself.
I want to still write about God, psychology, eating hot dogs at a gas stations, or whatever else pops into my head at the time without being worried that I didn’t follow-up on the previous promised post of positivity.

So, this is me back tracking and letting you know I will probably work on the positive thinking outside of posting it on my blog, because I have no follow through on here.

That’s all.