(There is a video that you can view here.)
(There is a video that you can view here.)
So, tonight I was looking in my closet for my Christmas sweaters, because tomorrow is the first of December. And when I pulled out my Christmas sweaters, I also found a bunch of winter clothes. Like sweats and sweatshirts.
It was honestly like I had found buried treasure I was so stoked about it. All these clothes that I knew about, but forgot I had still. There were only like 6 items, but I had just assumed I had donated them at some point. It was pretty exciting.
But it was also exciting because I realized that I had at one point packed away some of my winter clothing. Like a normal person you hear about doing that. I had the foresight to put away winter clothes for a later date in a place that wouldn’t be in the way instead of just hanging in the closet.
I’m so impressed with my past self for doing this. I’m not as impressed with my current self, because obviously I forgot about doing this, but I am still impressed with my past self for it.
This realization was actually more exciting than finding the clothes. But the clothes are important because it’s getting cold here finally.
Win all around.
So, I definitely want to do more of those videos, because the ongoing search for hobbies is still very real and it killed about 20 minutes that night. Plus, it’s a way to keep my blog updated that is only slightly easier than writing a post. I do intend to continue to do both.
Anyways, today I wrote these thoughts in my spiritual journal (which I normally don’t record full entries in, more just short thoughts or quotes heard in church) and I thought I should write it out on here, because this is the closest thing I have to an actual journal.
I was listening in church (the LDS church) to the talks that were being given today and a lady was talking about her conversion to our church and how she had wondered about who she was and where she came from and that finally she felt she knew those answers. She said finding out about the Gospel felt more like remembering than learning something new.
I realized then how lucky I have been that I have never wondered about those questions that people often worry about. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going after I die?
See, I was born and raised in the Gospel and so I had been taught those things since I was a little child. And even at the times where I thought I didn’t believe in the teachings of my church anymore, I never wondered about those questions, because I feel deep down I always still knew the answers to who I was and where I was going.
I wrote in my spiritual journal today:
I’ve wandered, but I’ve never wondered.
And I feel that is pretty true. I know what my purpose is through the Gospel. To serve others and to serve God. And I know where I am going and why I was put here.
So, today I felt very grateful that I had never had to go through the trial of wondering those major questions. That makes me lucky, which is a pretty cool realization to have randomly. It makes me feel very loved.
Anyways, you can’t see me smiling right now.
I have a suggestion at this point after seeing so much of what is being said on Social Media and by the people around me:If you’re feeling hurt, scared, slighted, worried, angry, or even targeted, I think protesting is the best thing you can do.
Not lost in a mob of people with signs walking down the street, but in your room, on your knees to your Father in Heaven.
Protest to him about how hurt you are, about your fears, about how you didn’t ask for this or it was all unfair. Tell him exactly what you think about what is happening and how it happened and what you want changed. Yell it at him even. He will listen.
And if you don’t get an answer, go back and protest again. Be louder. More passionate and protest to your Heavenly Father until something changes, because you have been promised something will change. You have been promised that he will give you peace and carry your burdens if you give/protest them to him and not one tear shed will be in vain.
“Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”
So, this morning I was in the process of writing a different blog post when I had an interesting and actually very disheartening conversation.
This morning I reached out via Facebook to an acquaintance of mine who is going through a divorce, which is something we have talked about before, just to see how he was doing.
I just wanted to reach out and lend support to let him know that I was thinking of him and people are there for him.
He started to tell me how things were difficult because some of his friends had sided with her and then he noticed that some of her friends had sided with him.
He said he was not sure who to trust at this point.
I think those are all fair thoughts.
But then he told me the reason his friends sided with her was she was white and he was African-American.
This is where things got…sad for me.
I simply said (Quote):
“I don’t know if it’s about race…people unfortunately feel they have to take sides in a divorce. Either way, I’m very sorry.”
He then went on to tell me that I couldn’t understand because I was white and it wasn’t anything personal against me, but I just wouldn’t understand.
…This was a huge blow.
My heart just dropped in my chest when I read it.
This has stuck in my head all day and I was worried writing about it on here, because no matter what I say, by society’s standards I am in the wrong and have no right to be sad about what happened at all.
But I am.
See after he said that to me, I just simply told him he had made me uncomfortable and it sounded like I wasn’t the right person to talk to.
He told me I couldn’t understand what he was going through.
What made me so sad about this situation was that it didn’t have to be about race.
Perspective is everything and I understand that.
However, that conversation we were having wasn’t about that and now instead of me being a friend to him and able to talk to him, I feel alienated and sad about the state of affairs between us.
I hear about this divide every single day and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Especially having someone directly throw it at me in a situation that does not seem related.
I don’t see him as just a African-American, just as I would hope he wouldn’t see me as just White.
But everyone is so concerned about a divide being created between people due to unimportant differences that people are creating that divide.
At least in this instance and many that I see.
I am not saying that racism isn’t real or that these things don’t exist.
What I am saying is that it doesn’t have to be everywhere. It doesn’t have to be here.
This man and I could have been friends. I never thought about him as just a, in his words, “person of color”. Nor did I ever think that had anything to do with his current struggles.
But now I do feel he only sees me as a white person, which hurts because stereotypes hurt.
My sister has a friend at work who brings it up frequently that he is an African-American and she is not.
I know how often he brings it up, because she texts me when it happens feeling the same sadness I felt in my conversation.
I saw this video awhile back (it’s obviously old):
“How are we going to get rid of racism?”
“Stop talking about it! I’m going to stop calling you a ‘white man’ and I’m gonna ask you to stop calling me a ‘black man'”
This is truly how I feel.
I also wholeheartedly agree with another quote from Morgan Freeman about racism:
“If you talk about it, it exists.”
It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s stop talking about it in these instances. Let’s stop bringing it up in unrelated personal conversations. Or in our workspace just because someone is of a different race than us.
If you have followed my blog, you know I am very devote religious. (LDS to be specific)
And when someone goes to a LDS temple it is required that we all wear white and very similar outfits.
It’s done this way to signify that “God is not a respecter of persons”.
Wealth, race, career…none of this matters to God. We are all on the same level.
He sees us all the same and as his children and we don’t have to talk about those things that can divide us (if we let them) there, because we are all the same.
That is how I try to see people and how I feel.
I’m absolutely, 100% no better than anyone else and when a situation gets brought up where someone feels that I think I am for whatever reason, it hurts.
This is a controversial post and I get that.
I really went back and forth on whether to write it, but then my friend told me that I should because blogging/journal-ling is a “good way to keep a record”.
That is why I wrote this post, because I would want my children to know how I felt about this.
That I never saw anyone differently and when I hear of those filters being placed in any instance, it hurts me.
But I also want anyone who reads this to know that I did not write this lightly.
In fact, I already know I will have to disable the comments and walk away from computers for a minute after pressing “Post” because I am nervous.
But nervousness should never be a reason to stop yourself from speaking what you feel and believe.
So, here we go.
So, I have been a bit under the weather the last two weeks.
I even went as far as going to the Urgent Care to find out what the deal was.
They put me on an antibiotics pack, which I later found out that apparently antibiotics make me very light headed. Like I take one and it pretty much walking up some stairs will almost make me pass out.
I know this, because I work on the second floor.
Anyways, one thing I have noticed having this infection and consistently not feeling well is that for one I do not take any illness I have seriously.
I have mentioned this a couple of times before, so I will not go into it again.
The second thing I have noticed is how much people rely on your looks to determine the validity of whether you are sick/afflicted or not. Especially with the men in my life currently.
They were completely thrown.
I realized that it is my make up that throws people off.
I honestly think that I do my make up pretty well and so it really is difficult for people to see in my face that I am not feeling very well.
To illustrate this, I went ahead and took a picture of myself on the day that I was feeling my worst:
You win germs.
So, everyone is upset about the clowns.
They are all over the freaking place, scaring people and threatening people. One of these people who are dressing up as clowns is eventually going to get shot and then that will be a whole huge deal as well.
Mass hysteria is so easy now that we have social media.
But I just want to point out that these clowns terrorizing people is not a new situation.
(By the way, does anyone remember the post I did where I analyzed why people are afraid of clowns? I do.)
Does anyone remember Wasco in 2014?
I do, because this was around the time that I was starting a new branch for a company I was working for.
They moved me out to Provo, UT to a new building park and we were the only ones in the building that we were in.
Since this was a new branch, my partner and I were the only ones who were in this building in the early morning. Since it was winter, that meant that it did not get light out until about 8 am.
We had to be in at 7 and often times I would get there between 6:30 to 6:45 am, when it was really dark.
I was in this empty building by myself most mornings for about 30 minutes when they were having reports of clowns walking around random places.
Often times there would be banging in the ceiling and I was convinced they were coming to get me. We found out later that we had a bat problem, but we did not know about this in the beginning.
So, I would usually end up going outside and sitting on the bench in front of the building waiting for my partner to get there instead of trying to brave out this scary situation.
Now, I don’t remember hearing anything about clowns last Halloween. At all.
But now two years later, I am working for a company where once again I start at 7 am and I am by myself for an hour before anyone else shows up.
In an empty building.
And what is happening again?
Because the universe hates me.
So, if any of you think that we are getting clown reports because people are messed up and teenagers are dumb, you are mistaken.
We are actually getting clown reports, because I am at my most vulnerable in the early dark mornings.
And this building seems to be making noises as well in the mornings.
Is it all in my head?
I don’t think so.
When I was a little girl and I couldn’t sleep, I would hear things in the house too. My mother would then later on tell me
“Corrie, houses make noises. It’s just settling.”
Not my fears, that’s for dang sure.
Anyways, I am just saying the whole clown thing is not helping me have a good morning each day.
So, over the last year and a half or so my goal has been to get out of debt.
I have also been wanting to be better financially, so I worked on different savings/investment account and even started balancing my checkbook as well as doing a budget.
Now, there is occasionally when I am doing all of this, it seems like I am really on top of things.
Like that huge mountain of debt (not that huge, but still more than I could pay off in a year) is going to actually be attacked.
But then there are days like today when I am making my budget for my 5th paycheck and I realize that making a budget just shows me exactly why I am broke.
It isn’t really helping me to be smarter with my money, it’s really just showing me exactly why I am broke.
For example, random unexpected charges.
Like my gym’s annual fee which is 2x my monthly fee, meaning I am going to be paying my gym payment 3 times this month.
Or Amazon randomly charging me for something that I did not buy, thus over drafting my account.
They did issue a refund, but now I have a nice $35 fee slapped onto me.
I don’t really spend a lot on excess. I really try to be frugal, especially now that I see where all of my money goes.
But in a lot of ways I wish I didn’t know.
Like I wish I could just throw up my hands like “I don’t know where all my money goes!”
Instead I know exactly where it goes and that there is simply a lack of funds currently in my life.
Budgeting is just one of those things that will get better once you do it more and as I slowly pay off my debts, there will be more money.
However, right now I feel like every few weeks I should just create a budget and write “YOU’RE POOR” across it and call it good.
Except once you get in a habit, you cannot stop.
This gallery contains 6 photos.
So, today marks the 63rd wedding anniversary of Rue (my grandfather I live with) to his wife. Anytime I bring up my grandmother, people are always shocked to hear that she is still alive since I don’t talk about her as much and since Rue and I live alone together. She is actually in a […]