So, my blog has sort have been a guilty thought for me lately. I think about posting on here, but I just have nothing to say.
I even haven’t called my mother much lately since I have nothing to say. There is nothing new happening in my life since I moved to Draper. And I don’t do anything or have a job yet. Also, I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. So…
My Dad used to talk to us about how there are two types of objects in the world. Those that act and those that are acted upon. I have to admit that lately I feel as though I am one that is acted upon.
I saw this online tonight:
I feel a little bit of that. Now, every step I have taken recently I felt was what the Lord wanted me to do, but I do feel very numb and void lately.
Obviously there is a purpose and a plan, I just yet to have figured it out. But it feels lame because it seems I talk about that a lot on my blog. Pretty much the theme of my blog is aimless wandering or more appropriate faith based decisions.
But anyways, that’s where I am at. Again.
So, I actually made this video a few weeks ago, but I’ve been really sick lately and couldn’t go to church.
Me at the Doctor’s yesterday.
But I want to put something up!
So, my favorite movie is called Eagle vs. Shark. And in this movie there is a moment where a man in his 60s says his life is a “complete disaster. The main character responds with:
“Life is full of hard bits, but in between the hard bits there are some really lovely bits.”
So, continuing on with what I did yesterday to help me get through the hard bit I’m having.
- I’m grateful for crying. Which may seem odd, but I was writing a story awhile ago where some of the characters couldn’t cry and it felt similar to dry heaving when they tried. I am glad I can cry.
- I’m grateful for diet soda. Say what you will about the ingredients, but I am going to die anyways at some point and I would regret not drinking soda.
- I’m grateful for hair being so soft. Because it feels cool and good against my face right now.
As silly as these things may seem, it does make you feel better to sit and brainstorm things you’re grateful for.
For the one positive thing in the last 24 hours, I keep thinking about when a person earlier, unbeknownst to them, pointed out a moment where I could have been nicer and less judgmental. This person didn’t really say anything, but more responded with the kindness I should have when I relayed a situation to them.
It wasn’t until later tonight that I realized my error and felt really bad about it. But the reason it was the thing I couldn’t get out of my mind as my positive moment is that I now have the opportunity to be kind the next time I see this person and to change a little. That’s positive, because it means growth can happen and it’s something I have prayed for. I have prayed on many occasions to be humbled and shown what more I can do. I have prayed many times to be humbled and to be shown what more I can do.
I’m just trying my best over here and writing this helps.
I run out of things to put in the title of my blog posts, but the date seems good since it will never be this day again.
Also, I don’t really know what I want to say, but my blog has been on my mind the last couple of days and I feel the need to put up something.
My current state I would consider as “trying”. Last night I wasn’t so happy about things and tonight I am just exhausted. I am also only being texted/messaged by one person, which is a guy bragging to me about the size of his TV….yeah. For 20 minutes now.
So, I’m just going to write three things I am happy for and one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours.
This is something that is suggested to do when they teach psychology of happiness to people. Although usually for more than one day, but yeah.
- I am grateful for pillows and blankets. Since I am currently laying on couch cushions on the floor and even slept on the floor this week, I am grateful for having these luxuries that make it comfortable even for the floor.
- I am grateful for living close to family. I am currently living with my sister and her husband (and soon to be my nephew who is still at the hospital). This is such a blessing, despite the difficulties that may arise, because a year ago I was living in a place where I knew no one longer than a few months. There was no intimacy or closeness of any sort in my life and even just having them near is amazing.
- I am grateful for dogs, specifically my sisters dog Aspen. They are pure happiness and love.
(We nap together often)
And the one positive thing that I want to share that happened in the last 24 hours was me finding out that guy had a 120″ tv.
No, it would probably be just getting to come home in not storm weather and getting to spend time with my sister. It was simple and not a unique experience, but we had fun and with how tiring today was, it was good.
I don’t know how to end this. Go team. 👍🏼
(There is a video. You can see it here.)
I was on the phone with my mother two days ago and she asked me what my Christmas List was.
I thought I had almost gotten through the season without anyone asking me that.
It’s such an awkward question now that I am an adult, because most of the things I want I just buy for myself.
Or I want it, but it’s super expensive and I don’t want to ask someone for that gift.
I suddenly understand why every year for Christmas we would get my dad mints or gum or his favorite nuts instead of a gift like anything else.
Even now I get him a gift card to his favorite restaurant, because it’s not like adults really have a list of toys they have been really wanting, because adult (non-sexual) toys are expensive.
I want a Fitbit, so please drop $150 on me.
(You can see me give an awkward thumbs up.)
I have no problem giving people gifts, especially joke ones or homemade ones, but if someone asks what I want, I don’t really know what to say.
And then when you say nothing, people get weird about it. And also then I can’t ask them what they want cause they will feel it’s a double standard.
It IS a double standard.
I can get you gifts, but I don’t need you to get me gifts.
I love you and want to express my love by purchasing you something, but I don’t need you to give me something to feel your love.
Please adhere to my messed up rules, thank you.
Anyways, I found this meme and I felt like it explained everything (except I don’t want alcohol. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.)
So, a few days ago I spent all day coming back to my blog’s posts area trying to think of something to write about on here.
I have been really wanting to post, because I feel like most of my posts lately have been about religion. Which is fine, obviously it’s a big part of my life.
But it’s not the only thing that I think about.
After thinking that, I then had to sit and ask myself what do I think about when I am just going about my daily life.
And the first day that I thought about this, I realized that I don’t really think about anything important most of the time.
For awhile I was really into thinking about politics most of the day, but I got tired of that since it is always upsetting.
The next couple of days that I sat and thought about the things that I am thinking about while going about my day, I realized that I don’t really think about many important things.
Like I will think about my make up and think about different things that would be fun to do occasionally, but for the most part I think about things that are happening to other people and my budget or trying to get out of debt.
And obviously for the last few days I have been thinking about what things I sit and think about.
I have realized that the reason I am not thinking about anything or dreaming about things that could happen lately is that when I do sit and think about the things that normally would excite me, I don’t really have any goals or things happening soon that would.
So, thinking about it just makes me feel sad.
And that is the current state of affairs. It is me almost treading water til I can figure out what I am going to do with this situation I am in.
Also, before you even think about it, the situation I am in is the one I am supposed to be in. The first reaction anyone has is “You should change your situation.”
You can’t always just change the situation, sometimes it is more about what you do in your situation.
Anyways, I feel bad that I haven’t been as active on my blog.
There isn’t much to say. The current state of affairs is my mind is pretty blank and then I just fill it with temporary things until I can figure out the place in my situation.
So, continuing on with the Light the World campaign (I haven’t been consistent) I went ahead and made this video for today’s prompt.
Jesus Showed Humility and So Can You
(There is a video that you can view here.)
I woke up this morning with this song in my head:
(There is a video that you can watch here.)
It was a nice thing to wake up to.
I have been reading the 4 Gospels in the Bible and will read 3rd Nephi afterwards just to get in the Christmas spirit.
I was hoping that reading the words of Christ would help me to better have him in my heart this Christmas season and also help me to remember the things that he did for me.
I wasn’t sure if it was working outside of thinking about him when I am actually reading my scriptures at night, but waking up with this song in my head makes me feel a bit better about my efforts.
I know I am not always thinking about Christ and God as much as I should, but I try my best to keep them in my heart and hope they know of my love for them.
For those who read my blog that are not religious, I am serious about all of this and I do have a deep love for my religion and for God.