When I grow up I want to be an Atomic Bomb.

This gallery contains 6 photos.

So, today marks the 63rd wedding anniversary of Rue (my grandfather I live with) to his wife. Anytime I bring up my grandmother, people are always shocked to hear that she is still alive since I don’t talk about her as much and since Rue and I live alone together. She is actually in a […]

Blissfully Aware

I have mentioned on here a couple of times that I take part in the very “fun” practice of online dating.
Or app dating, which I feel is in the same category.
Which many may roll their eyes at, but it is really not as bad as online dating used to be and almost is necessary nowadays.
But I will save the for another post.

One thing I made sure to do when I am on these sites is put on my profile that I am LDS.
I do this, because being religious (outside of Utah at least) is not such a common thing anymore.
By putting it on my profile, I am hoping that I am letting people know about a huge part of my life upfront and saving some time with certain questions that might be asked.
A big one is the hooking up question or grabbing a drink.
It doesn’t save this time though.
In fact, to date, one of my favorite first messages I have gotten on one of those sites was:

“What does ‘LDS’ mean? Likes dirty sex?”

Super close.

Anyways, this past week I got a message from a man who in the first couple of messages let me know that he used to be LDS until he had an “awakening” and realized that all religions are wrong and to just do the best with the time that he had here.
My response was just “Oh, well that’s nice.”
Cause really, what was he expecting me to say to that?

“What?! You’re so right! I’m going to change my entire life right now!”

That was said with sarcasm, in case you cannot tell.
But not meant to sound rude, just to illustrate that there was really nothing else I could say in that moment.

He then said “If you found out today that I was right, would you keep living your life the way you are now?”
Continuing with my simplistic approach, I just responded with “Yes.”
He then said:

“Really? You wouldn’t try all of the things you haven’t been doing because they are ‘bad’ or ‘sinful’?”

Okay, it’s in moments like these where I get this huge smile on my face.
Because when these moments happen, and not just with religion, where someone is trying to apply a stereotype or social stigma to me and I can’t help but smile and think in my head “Oh, you’ve got the wrong person.”

I responded back letting him know that I had left my church for a while and did a lot of those things that, in his words, were ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’ and that they did not make me happy. That my church was what made me happy and even if I found out that it wasn’t true, I would still do the concepts in the church because it’s how I am happiest.
I ended by saying that I would want him to continue to do the things that make him happy.

…he blocked me after that.
Which is why I couldn’t take screenshots of this conversation for this post.
But keep in mind that this conversation happened over the course of 10 minutes and was only about 6 messages back and forth.

Now, maybe I am sounding like a jerk here in this post in how I responded to him, but I used to try to do something similar when I was not in my church.
I cannot say how he was feeling, but when I left I felt like I had been repressed and that everyone who is in that religion is ignorant and repressed and secretly wanting to do all the things that they “aren’t supposed” to do.
So, I would try to get them to admit it, because for me when I used to do that (I cannot speak for this man) it was a way for me to justify myself and what I was doing.
It was that small moment of condescension and “HA!” of proving that they were wrong and I was right.

I would be lying if I said that living a religion isn’t hard. It’s not popular right now and it is definitely not cool.
And there are a lot of people who do feel repressed in religious settings. I know a lot of people who wish they were out partying or doing some of the things that they would do without our religion.
I know a lot of people that follow my church just because that’s what they’ve always done and that’s what their parents did, so stick with what you know, right?

But that’s not everyone and that’s definitely not me.
I go to church every 3 hours every week, because I choose to. When I am faced with a situation that is, again in his words, ‘seen by my church as bad or sinful’, I actively choose to not be a part of it.
Why?
Well, I would be lying if I said it was easier or that if I said I have no desire to partake in some of those things.
But I choose to, because I know that I will be happier in the long run when I do follow the concepts in my religion.

I feel like I am probably rambling at this point and that relating this story is not as impactful as it was for me when it happened.
So, I will just finish by saying that I am a huge believer that people should conscious choose what they believe. Whether it is religion or lack of.
That in order to truly devote yourself to any belief, as you should or is often required when choosing a belief, that you should do so actively.
If someone is having doubts or feeling repressed, they need to work through those feelings until they can find what makes them happy.
That is something that I have done in my life and has made all the difference. It has made it to where when I am faced with a situation like I had with this man, I can easily tell them that I know that my church is true and that even if it wasn’t, I still would be doing the same things I am doing today.
And that either way, I am doing so with every bit of awareness of what my options are.

Rue and the Arcade

For some reason this never made it to my blog, which is a damn shame.
This is a video I made a few weeks ago of when I brought Rue to the arcade with me.

(Video Link Here)

No matter how he may look the whole time, he loves all the crazy places I take him.

FAKER!

I may have talked about this before on my blog and forgot about it, but it’s okay to talk about things more than once.
I will probably post about it again at some point too.

Anyway, I am sick.
There has been something that has been going around lately. The girl whose desk is right next to mine has been coughing up a storm.
Well, I didn’t end up with a cough, but a really sore throat, light headedness, heavy weights on my chest, and body aches.
It started during Monday night when I was trying to sleep. I kept waking up all achey and finally at 4 am I was woken up enough by it to go and get some pain reliever.
Then when it was time for me to get up for reals, I have a fever breaking.

Well, since then it has just been a little bit of that sickness unhappiness.
But coming from a household with six kids, it’s always hard to admit that I am sick.
I can usually admit that I am not feeling well, but actually saying that I am sick is a little difficult.
When you live in a house with 6 kids, there is not a lot of time for one child to be sick, but also, since children are by default jealous of any other kid getting more attention than them, you get called a faker a lot.

Even as an adult you get called a faker sometimes.
This comes in the form of the following phrase:

Are you sure it’s not all just in your head/psychological?

Such comments, no matter how innocent they are, over time lead to an adult like myself.
When I begin to feel sick, I immediately think that I am faking it.
Or that it is all just in my head.
I have to check my temperature or look up my symptoms for justification of my not feeling good.
Or wanting to go to bed early.

And then the logical part of me jumps in and just thinks “Why?”
I mean, why would I fake not feeling well.
I still go to work each day and I don’t sit and tell people I am not feeling well except Rue and one person at work.
I still do any errands I need to, make any calls, and basically keep functioning except I will go to bed earlier and most likely take a nap as well.
But what’s the point of faking sick when you aren’t really getting out of anything?

I mean, I even do my make up still, because I will wake up in the morning and see my pale face, bloodshot eyes, purple under eyes, and sweaty forehead and think:

You’re looking pretty scary, Corz.

So, I do my make up to cover that up.
And I must be pretty good at it, because when I tell someone I am feeling sick, they will say “You don’t look sick.”

Sick

Yeah, that’s a picture of me today.
I did my make up to cover up the sickness.
Totally working.

The point is, when I feel sick, I doubt myself and I am the first to think I am a faker.
And then even after I have verified that I am in fact sick, I will still be sitting here thinking “Oh, it went away.”
But then I will stand up too fast or walk up a flight of stairs and drain myself completely.
Dammit.

 

 

It is still silliness though, because the only thing that really stops when I am sick is me going to the gym.
Which is a choice that is actually smart considering I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without passing out right now.
But despite this, I got this lovely message from a guy last night on an online dating platform:

Don’t be lazy. Get to the gym and sweat out this sickness.

…I’m out.

Rue says No.

One of the “great” things that my grandpa, Rue, has gotten to experience since I moved in with him is all of my so-called dates that I go on.
I may have mentioned before, or at least thought about mentioning it, that any date I go on is either ridiculously bad or just okay.
There is never a good date and there is never really a second date.
And after each experience with a male, I come home or I come to Rue and tell him about what has happened, because we are best friends. (Whether he wants to admit it or not.)
These experiences usually get the same sort of response from Rue:

Man, times have sure changed since I was younger.

Now, maybe it’s social pressure, but I feel it’s important to point out when discussing dating and someone advocating for me in the dating scene that Rue does not think I am terribly physically attractive.
In fact, no one in my family thinks I’m crazy physically attractive except for me.
I can’t stop taking selfies of myself.

08/19/2016

But since the bulk of what it seems men look for in a woman is physical appearance, I feel it important to mention that my advocates are not advocating for me in that area.

One thing about Rue’s feelings towards my dating experience is that I am too nice.
He always is suggesting things that I should have done or said instead of what I actually did, because I am way too nice when on a date and take a longer time than he would to call someone out on the things they are doing.

Anyways, last night I had one of those moments with Rue and men that just made me smile to no end.
This was the extent of the conversation:

Me: So I wrote him a letter trying to be cute and he said ‘It was nice, but I was expecting it to be a joke.’
Rue: Did you say to him YOU’RE A JOKE!?

I was dying.
Not only because it was funny, but also because it’s just awesome to have such an advocate for me.
Also, I would call someone a joke when they bug me in any other situation other than a dating one, because I am trying to be nice.
(You can’t see me roll my eyes at myself)

But I wanted to write about this, because I want a record later on of the “advocation” and support I got from my grandfather.
And also how sassy and funny he was.

I have been reading a book on the history of Modern Psychology and the most recent chapter is about the anatomy of the human brain.
It started by discussing this painting.

Extracting the Stone of Madness by Hieronymus Bosch, ca. 1690

Extracting the Stone of Madness by Hieronymus Bosch, ca. 1690

The reason I like this picture is that there is so much going on that is completely relatable.
I mean, let’s start off with the hat that looks like the hats you wear to prevent aliens from reading your thoughts.
Or maybe this isn’t a hat so aliens can’t interfere with this process, maybe it’s one of his tools for all the things about to happen with this lobotomy.
Either way, any doctor I have ever been to was never this prepared and now I am curious what medical school they went to.

Second, there is the priest that is clearly trying to backseat drive this lobotomy.
Come on, man!
Look at the surety in the man performing the lobotomy’s face. This obviously isn’t his first rodeo and he does not need some Catholic dude telling him how this goes.

Also, since they have not actually penetrated the guys’ head yet, the look on his face tells me that they probably got him drunk before actually stating this process.
But not the fun kind of drunk, but drunk enough that he hates himself and doesn’t want to move.
That’s obvious from his face.

Finally, we have the nun that is looking on and obviously so bored with this process that she feels she needs to work on her posture while this whole situation is happening.

You want me to watch you drill into another guy’s head? Greaaaaat.
You don’t mind if I put this book here, right?

Good help is so damn hard to find.

Dear Utah

Okay, this is my second time living in Utah, which the place I live are usually a bit of a theme on my blog.
Well, I experienced this the last time I was living in Utah and didn’t really say anything, but now my second time around I am a little over it.
I have been here 3 months and I would just like to announce something to all the people collectively in Utah.

Dear People of Utah,

I do not want to go hiking. Really ever.
I hiked when I was at camp each summer of my teenage years. It was the worse.
One time I slipped down a mini mud slide and had to hold on to a branch so I didn’t fall off a cliff. That was ridiculous and I would never recommend it.
Another time they took a rope and tied it around all of us hiking to help us feel unity while we hiked.

I’m going to pass on commenting.
Utah has beautiful scenery, do not get me wrong. The Mountains here are ridiculous. That’s why they put National Parks here in Utah.
But the point is, I am living in St. George and it is a minimum of 105 degrees out almost everyday. I don’t even want to walk from a building to my car, let alone wander around in the wilderness.
But the main reason that I don’t want to go hiking is that I hate being hot and I hate being sweaty. For a lot of people, hiking brings enough benefits to where they are willing to ignore those aspects.
The return on investment (the investment being sweat and physical effort) is there for almost everyone in Utah.
It is not for me.

But I know what you are thinking, people of Utah, if I don’t like hiking, you have an alternative.
To quote a man’s dating profile that I saw this morning:

“Please like climbing. Please Please Please!”

Now, it’s not just men on online dating sites that are into climbing.
People from around the world apparently come to this area of Utah just to go climbing. I have met a few recently that traveled here just to climb and hike. (Again, the scenery is amazing.)
But if I were to make a list of things I don’t want to do ever or even consistently, climbing would be a few spots higher than hiking.
I tried repelling once and I cried the entire way down.
I can’t imagine going the other direction being any better, especially since I have absolutely no upper body strength.
I’m willing to work on the upper body strength, but not through climbing.
These all sound the worst to me.

I went ahead and looked up #Utah on Instagram and just to illustrate my point, this is what I got:
Utah1
Utah2

Quit trying to force your outdoor activities on me!
Also, do not look up this Hash Tag, you will get a lot of porn too.
But seriously, almost every photo was of the mountains or doing something outdoors or porn. And I am not into porn at all either. I felt guilty for even looking up the completely innocent hashtag I did after seeing that.
Any guy online or people you meet in person, what do they want to do? Go on a hike.
Go for a climb.
Murder me through the proxy of Nature.
How is that fair? Is there no one in this freaking state that wants to eat ice cream with me on a couch with a fan blowing on us?
We don’t even have to have ice cream.

Anyways, my letter to the People of Utah at this point in time is just to collectively let them know the following:

I don’t want to hike with you.
I don’t want to climb with you.
I am willing to camp or fish or even appreciate/stand in nature with you every once in a while, but not if we have to hike to get to the spot.
I just have no interest whatsoever in the hobbies the majority of you care about.
As I mentioned in the picture I made at the beginning of this post: Please understand that it’s not you, it’s definitely me…But I feel like I am right.
We are just different people and it has everything to do with my upbringing.

Anyways, obviously you aren’t very understanding of this, but I just wanted to make my position clear and announce it to all of you at once.

You can’t see me shrug.

Next

It is my personal opinion that my posts I make in the middle of the night are some of my best
Why?
I just feel like anything I say during these times are very raw and slightly less censored. They have run studies and found out that 24 hours of sleep deprivation is the same as having a blood alcohol level of .10%.
I haven’t been up for 24 hours, but I am sure that staying up late is when you start gambling.

Anyways, tonight I just started to get a feeling of uneasiness. Like an eerie uneasiness of how much I didn’t what was going to happen next.
Just a sort of realization that I had no idea what was going on and I am not sure of anything.
I don’t even know what I want to eat tomorrow, which is super fun for me.
Maybe another hotdog, cause I am really into those lately and always.
But more importantly the big things I am unsure about as well since my life has been in a state of flux for the last little while.

I took a really late and rather weird nap this afternoon. I fell asleep at 6 pm and work up at 9:45 pm.
It was in this time of waking up that I was standing in the kitchen looking around feeling this eerie feeling.
Like something was supposed to happen or there was something that was going to happen and I just did not know what.
It was very much an out-of-body experience, but I am trying not to over think it, because that’s when my imagination takes hold and I start thinking fantastical things like:

Maybe this was the moment that everything changed.

It wasn’t, but I am a writer by nature and so my mind creates stories just to make things seem more interesting.
My life is not that interesting and my eerie feelings are not that deep at all.
But it was a feeling that you don’t get every day. Very much an out-of-body experience (repeating myself) and I think not knowing what is going to come next just added to that eerie feeling.
Great…

Rulon, my grandfather, ruins my sleep schedule like no other. The only reason I am up this late or taking weird naps is that I have found even if I don’t take a nap, I will end up staying up late with him.
So, I take a nap, which makes me stay up even later.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Tonight it was that we were watching Quentin Tarantino movies, not my favorite. Now I am sitting on one couch writing this while he decides which Hallmark movies he wants to TiVo. I will then read scriptures to him before we go to bed.
We don’t even do anything exciting when we stay up late, we just stay up late.

Anyways, my weird sleeping schedule has nothing to do with me getting these eerie feelings.
There is no way that my lack of sleep could leave me weirded out suddenly in any way, shape, or form.

Late Pic 8/13/16

I have teenage siblings. Super accidents, but everyone likes them.
A classic example of learning to live with your mistakes.
Literally.
But they don’t really talk to me. In fact, most of my siblings do not talk to me very much at all.
Middle child syndrome is actually something that seems to take place in my life more than I would have originally admitted when I was first told about it.
But there have been a couple of times where I was going to give advice or something to them and they weren’t very interested.
The reason behind this, is that I am not very “cool” and this is what makes a source credible to teenagers.
Like out of all my siblings, I am just the most neutral when it comes to that area.
I have an older brother, who when he walks in the room, you can just immediately

Normally this does not matter, because I have been successful despite the fact that no one liked me in high school.
But now I am actually living in a small, college town and the last few weeks when I have been at church, it was like being in a high school again.
In fact, a lot of the time when I am at these activities, I feel like an alien (and not in a good way). Probably because I am surrounded by that teenage mentality.
There is a feeling that you get when you are around a bunch of people trying to impress the each other. There have been a few times that I was talking to someone and they were looking around at other people rather than focusing on me.
Or you may be having a serious discussion, which happens a lot at church, and then a few of them have to very loudly make jokes out of the conversation to try get everyone laughing in the middle of the serious conversation.
It derails it.
And even me complaining about that makes me un-cool.

Anyways, I don’t feel that it is being insecure or down on myself when I say that I don’t really have a lot to offer in this instance.
The best way I can describe it is similar to when someone recently talked to me about applying for a management position at a gym.
Though I have management experience, I have never worked in a gym and don’t much about them, so I do not have a lot to offer an employer looking for that position, because though I have good qualities, I do not have those good qualities.
The same can be said in these situations with teenagers (or those with a teenage mentality). Teenagers and college kids are looking for someone who is cool to be their friend/date/be in the same room as them. They want someone who can impress the other teenagers when they walk in the room with them.
I know what someone with “cool” qualities looks like and though I am fun and smart and have a lot to offer as a friend, I am not cool.

Because this has been on my mind a lot, I decided to ask one of my closest friends if I am cool.
Keep in mind that she is a woman in her 50s, which again shows how much teenagers and I understand each other.
But this was her response:

“The word that comes to mind more for you is “hip”. You are comfortable in your own skin most of the time.”

Hip.
Like these young kinds.
(You can’t see my huge smile at this.)

But even though I loved that response, I decided to take it a step further and ask my mother if I am cool.
Now, most people make jokes about how “My Mom thinks I am cool” or “My Mom thinks I am handsome” because most mothers will always say that about their kids.
My mother is one that you can always tell when she is trying to not hurt your feelings, but also doesn’t want to lie.
So, when I asked my mother if I am cool, her response was:

“I don’t know….Uh, I thought you didn’t care about that?”

I still laugh just thinking about it.
I asked my mom if I am cool and she said I don’t know.
And I am her best friend even!
If there was ever a bigger testament that even though I am happy with who I am, I will never be popular in a high school, it’s that even my mother does not think of me as cool.

Killing it.


(Trying to be Cool by Phoenix. You can listen to it here.)

Outsider

So, I have a sense of humor that is a little bit…different.
It’s very dry and often times very dark.
It does not include toilet humor in any sense.

Anyways, I have moved again as everyone knows who have read my blog the last little bit. In with my grandfather.
This means that I have gotten a new job and this time around I was more looking for something that could fit the schedule of helping him and not just something that fit what I am used to working in.

So, I just barely started at this company a few weeks ago and they are very closely knit and casual.
They have a lot of inside jokes.
And I have made the mistake in the past before of walking into a job that I am new at and acting like I have always been there. I have the confidence to do that and I am rarely uncomfortable in situations, but in the past that approach at new jobs alienated coworkers and made me appear cocky.
Go figure.
Anyways, at this particular company, I have been told to interact more with the group since I was very reserved when I first came to the company.

So, today they put a Birthday card on my desk to sign.
Ehhhh…
Maybe I am just weird, but I have only had one conversation with the person that this Birthday card is for.
I didn’t know what to sign it.
I kind of pushed it away a little bit and one of the ladies at my work who really likes me and really likes to have everyone included told me that I needed to sign it.
It was important, apparently.
But I have never known anyone that really read a corporate card and gone through the different messages people have written.
I know that I never have. Even the card a company got me when I moved for them and everyone signed it.

So, I sat for a while thinking about what I could put that I would find funny if I opened up the card and saw it.
And I suppose that maybe it was a little passive aggressiveness on my part as well, because I didn’t see why they needed me to sign the card, but this is what I ended up signing:

Card Sign

I thought I was so hilarious and I still think I am.
Nothing was ever said, probably since the person never read the card, but I just thought I would share since I think that Birthday cards and cards in general can be very pointless when it comes from people they do not know well.
My favorite are the “Sorry for your loss” cards.
That will really make you feel better.

I’m probably just a brat.

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